Transformative Honeymoons

Stacy Wilderness' semi-annual poetic posting

After this weekend, I won't be able to get dressed up for an indefinate

time (until I start a new job and get some money coming in, whenever

that happens) so since this is the end of my dressing up for now, I wanted

 to consolidate my Drag series into one post -so here it is:

 "Drag #1, #2, #3, and #4"

Drag - #1

Monster comes in the room
"are you the only one here"
"as far as I know"

I like the black gown,
not the one June likes so much,
the other one,
it's pretty

I'll wear the silver sandals
with the three inch heels with it
in drag, 3" heels are like flats
but they're pretty

I have to be careful walking up stairs
the gown is so long the heels can catch
the hem of the gown
and rip

I had to sew a three inch tear
the last time I wore this gown

Nina comes in the room
in guy mode
I don't know her guy name,
so she's Nina to me,
"any one else here?"
"Not yet"

She doesn't say anything
but she's not thrilled
I'm not a drag performer
even an amateur drag performer
I'm a musician
who wears a dress

they tolerate me here
but I'm not one of them
I'm different

that's the one constant in my life
every where I go,
every one I meet
I can always say
I'm different

Lucy Furr arrives
all ready painted
in her new black vinyl body suit
and platform heels,
she projects confidence
and power

She wears black lipstick
with glitter on her lips,
oddly, it's very pretty

I'm wearing hip pads and
a corset under my gown
the corset is pink and black
boned,
it ties off in the back
even with the corset, and girdle and
boobs and make up and wig
and every thing,
I look like a guy

but I walked over to the bar
in drag
in public,
a guy helped me carrying my stuff
and I let him kiss me on the cheek
in the bar
and that felt nice

I cinch up the corset
I ask Lucy for help tie-ing me off,
and I thank her

it's odd,
standing around in my girly under things
but I'm trying to be "one of the guys"
getting ready with the other performers,
letting them see me in various states
of undressed,
perhaps even with my wig off

it's a small crowd and it's just Nina,
Lucy Furr and me
after the first set I'm upstairs in the dressing room
with Lucy Furr
"Well at least you'll win the fifty dollars"
I say as I help her out of her black vinyl
body suit, her shoulders sweaty,
she's still panting from her last performance
it's small consolation
but it's all I have to offer 

Drag #2

No! No! No way! No! he screams at me
By this time I'd gotten used to walking on the sidewalk
in the grey/green wedges - just slightly greenish
but it seemed appropriate for St Patricks day
NONONO you are not a woman NO WAY!!!
at the parade a mother with her children looked at my blouse
and said "it's not really green!"-it was a very funny thing to say
and I laughed (it was turquoise -I don't have a green blouse)
it was nice that she said that and that she, her husband and
children sat next to me during the parade,
You're a man! You know that don't you?
she shook hands with the Mayor of St Paul
I was a few feet away, the Mayor looked in my eyes and nodded
but he did not shake my hand, and I didn't offer it,
but I respect the Mayor
Let me see your penis! she screamed from the window of the bus
I'd worn the wedges before at the Gay90s drag competition
but not out on the sidewalk and it had taken a mile or two
walking around during the day to really get used to the
difference between wedges and heels
Dude you're a guy!
but I walked purposefully and my stride was even and
deliberate -it was important not to feel fear and I didn't
something my brain was wired for - to walk confidently,
purposefully, gracefully, not to fight, not to run
just to walk away - gracefully 
Hey Honey,
Hey you, the sweetheart
I'm talking to you!
I hold my purse close to my side, hold my head up and walk on
You're disgusting
Only 6 more blocks to go........ 

Drag - #3

Smash

my dog jumps away from the window startled and scared
the mirror lies shattered, the plastic moulding
torn clean off from the door
I pull in front of the bus and park the truck
Damn


a lady pulls alongside and rolls down her window
"Are you OK?"
"I'm fine"
"was he pulling out?"
"no, no, he was stopped, I just hit him"
"that's a beautiful dog you have, you really need to 
keep her in back. if the airbag had gone off it would
have killed her I'm sorry but it's true'
the car slowly pulls away


I take the insurance card from the visor
and reach for my purse.
I take my man's wallet
from my woman's purse 
and find my drivers license


I get out of the truck and walk over the the bus,
the door is closed
the glare on the window makes it hard to see into the bus
I walk over to the drivers window I walk back to the door
it's closed -I'm confused - not from the accident 
I was wearing a seat belt and only going 10 mph,
I'm confused from the aftermath - of what to do next and
from being in a skirt and stuff and from going around
smashing into buses with my truck like some crazy person,
and from a big white bus with it's doors and windows closed


I walk over to the mirror lying in the road and pick it up,
I'm not worried about looking delicate,
I pick up the stupid mirror, walk back 
and dump it uncerimoniously it in the bed of the pickup 
I walk back to the bus,
the bus door is open


On the bus I give my license and insurance card to the driver
he calls in that he's been in an accident 
then we have to wait
it's procedure


soon the 7 or 8 people on the bus are antsy,
"let's go!" someone says 
"we have to wait" the driver says
"there'll be another bus coming along" 
"if you want to take that"
he opens the doors
the people walk off the bus
walk past me 
the crazy guy in a dress
and wait for the next bus to come along
it arrives shortly afterwards


"It was good that the people got off, they won't
claim whiplash" he explains, "these things
happen" he says seeing how nervous I am
we wait and talk a little and wait


I find out that he sees about two or three trans people
a day on his routes - I find that interesting
to each his own is his philosophy on that
we wait


The Metro Transit Police arrive and take my information
again,
they take pictures, fill out reports
They're nice to me but official
The supervisor arrives
and he takes pictures
of the rear view mirror
of the black scuffed dent
in the rear of the big white bus


they give me an accident report
and a citation for an expired license
I can't move the truck
someone has to come and get it 
or they'll tow it away


It can't be expired, because it isn't 
it was a snafu last time I went to 
get my license renewed but it's all
straightened out I have the letters at home
nobody believes me
but it's true 
but it doesn't matter 
I panic,
my parents don't drive, 
I don't have any friends
they're going to tow the truck
and I don't have any money to pay for that
I want to die
what a disaster


I go sit in the truck
with my dog


I remember my cell phone and tell them
there might be somebody I could call
I call a woman friend (who is trans) 
She has been supportive in the past,
but we've drifted apart,
we're still friendly,
but it feels like we've drifted apart, 
and I don't really go around asking for help
it's so awkward
and all
I'm pretty much a loner
and being isolated is how I get by
I just take it for granted
you don't ask for favors from people


but what else can I do
I call and she answers, she'll come pick me up
"Thanks" I say


I wait in the truck
and pat my dog
and play my dulcimer
and play my harmonica
and wait, 


I'm playing my harmonica 
with the door open,
the dog on a leash tied to the door
sitting on the sidewalk
Somehow I don't feel very sexy right now,
but I give her kiss on the cheek
(later, she's mad at me for being so cold,
what can I say? nothing, thanks, I'm sorry
nothing - I don't go around asking people for 
help, really, and all I really wanted right then was to
just get out of there




An officer gives her the keys,
I get in the passenger side,
she gets in the drivers side, starts the truck
and drives away. 

Drag #4

I sit on a bench in my blue skirt
and matching blue jacket
and fumble in my purse for the phone

I open it and look at the time
I put it back in the purse
again

I pull the hem of my skirt down
I glance at my ankle-high black boots
with the peek toe
and the 4" heels

I'm not really dressed for sitting
at the Mall of America
on a painted steel bench, alone

I've been sitting and waiting for 10 minutes,
some people walk by and don't notice me,
some notice me and walk by, some stare,
nobody smiles,
you don't smile at the guy in the blue dress
waiting, 

I text "@ the Mall"

I thought I was meeting someone
he said he would be here
but he's not here
I'm pretty sure he's not coming
but I'm waiting
just to be sure,

I might not be a woman,
or a real woman or whatever
but he'll never ask me out again
and I want to make sure I remember
what it was like, just in case he ever does
in a state of drunken masculine stupidity,
I want to remember
I want it etched in my brain
"You coward!"

the neurons and neurotransmitters
and psychologically effecting chemicals
floating across the synapses in my brain
do their work and form that memory,
etch it in my brain

sitting and waiting alone

so I sit and I wait alone

I take the phone out of my purse and text
"I won't wait any longer"
stand up
and walk out