Saturday, February 26, 2011

Re-coming out at an absurd pace

 A couple months ago I did a caption for Jennifer,that I thought was a little too dirty to post
on this site, but I've reconsidered - so warning this one's a little dirty, but it's funny:

in return for which was this caption by Jennifer, in response to my
"Andogyny is cool, too" post - I like this caption, and I'm
pretty sure Jennifer won't mind me using it here (Hi Jennifer!)
here's the link to her site:

So let's see, my re-coming out as a Gay man continues at it's absurd pace -sigh.
There's this site called meetup ( ) that you can join,
and in some areas like Minneapolis, there are some active groups, so I joined
a group of GLBT people who have an interest in theater - and went out to
one of the events - a play in St Paul called "Lesbian Vampiresof Sodom" or
something like that, and yeh, it was different - I didn't get off work until 9:30
and the play was at 11pm, so the other people got together and socialized before
the play, but I just went straight from work to the theater. I did talk to one
of the event organizers for about 2 minutes after the play, but honestly by
12pm on Friday, I'm beat - so I sat there alone, and watched a play for an hour,
then drove home - I know, but I'm trying OK, give me a break, I was tired.

(I have to plug my second play, you know that - so here's the link: it's not Gay or anything, sorry, it is a musical, sort of,
but my next play is going to be about a 1930's cross dressing circus star, based on a
true story: of course that one is not Gay either, it's
about a cross dresser, the two are typically not the same -sorry. Yeh, I kind of suck
at being Gay, but you've probably figured that out.)

 I saw the HD Live at the MET OPERA  broadcast at noon today, and that was good.
"Iphingenie en Tauride" by Gluck.  Susan Graham, who's kind of really sexy, with a
powerful low mezzo-voice was the star, and Placido Domingo played Oreste.
Oreste is seriously Gay and madly in love with Pylade and they want to be together,
and all that - I mean honestly I'm watching this thinking this is Gayer than "Lesbian
Vampires of Sodom" .  Musically it is really good, the pacing is pretty slow though,
but the relationship between Oreste and Pylade is clearly a homosexual relation,
so I thought that was cool.

I didn't go out tonight because funds are pretty tight right now,
but I plan on going to a church tomorrow morning that is pretty supportive
of the GLBT community.  I've been thinking church might be helpful, but
I don't want to hear about how evil I am and all that, so I'll see what this
hippy church is like.  Then I'll  go out  and play one of the local
jams and that's my weekend - sigh.

I decided there's no way I can post the before picture of how I looked before
I started my diet -it's just too depressing, but I went on-line to a site that lets
you apply makeup online to your picture - which I did - so this is what I'd
look like in makeup right now ( )

I know I need to lose weight, but I'm working on it.
I'll lose another 20 or 30 pounds and repost this and the difference should
be pretty noticable.  If you do feel compelled to comment on how I look,
like Elvis said "Don't be Cruel", OK, please.  Thanks, I'm working on it,
but let me know what you think in the poll - I'm interested what you
think of this look (the poll is right below here)

Friday, February 25, 2011

General Status


If there's some artwork or something you like, or would like to see, or whatever,
free to post a comment - anyways....

So I got the DVD/CD on "Finding your Female Voice"
just took a couple days to get here, it's about a hour and a half DVD, and a companion CD
with all the exercises plus theres a PDF booklet you download from there site, so it's pretty
comprehensive, and it looks well done - I'll post some results in couple months because this is
something you work at an hour a day for several months to get results - but Yeah! it's here!
(I went with the extra money for quicker delivery so it was like $31 including delivery)
I felt so stupid using my male voice in therapy, trying to talk about how I felt inside and using
this stupid male voice -it was absurd.-I'm not  clown, and I'm not gonna let anyone turn
me into a f**king joke, so I'll work on how to talk in a way that sounds right for what I'm
trying to say - it makes sense actually. 

I'm pretty close to posting some pictures of my man-self, kind of the standard
before and after pictures - I've lost 45 pounds now, so it has a huge effect on the way
I look and the way people treat me. The problem with being a cross-dresser will be
pretty obvious, because, I'm really not fat right now, but I have a lot of muscle, some
fat, and a broader skelatal frame - so I look like a guy  (yuck).

I've been exercising and dieting for 7 months, and losing 7 pounds per month, and getting
in condition (I work out aerobically 2 hours per day/ 7 days per week -( yeh some
days it sucks)). The machines say I burn 1800 calories per workout.
I'll just keep at it until I start looking good in a dress - I'll get there, trust me.

I'm still in school full-time, looking to graduate in May, I may go back for more next
August, I may not - I'd like to, but I don't think I could afford it.  I'm going to apply
for a loan, just to see if I can get one - but let's be honest our government wants
people like me to die silently -they sure as Hell aren't there to help.

Still working part-time nights during the week, so I get done with school, work out
2 hours, take the dog for a walk, then go to work, do that 5 days per week, and
time goes by pretty quick - not that I ever have any time for anything, but I'd rather
be busy than thinking about things - thinking is a little dangerous right now - so I'm
keeping busy - I'll get through this patch -it's tough, but I'm gettng through and there's
no time to think about it, and nothing you could do about it anyways, so screw it -
it is what it is.

My re-coming out as a Gay man continues at it's absurd pace. I was out when I
was in college, but it was all so casual that it was really repulsive - I want a relationship,
somebody I care about.  It's frustrating, because there's so much I'd like to do and
and feel and give, and it would be with a man, so it's like I'm stuck with the gay-route
but the Gay scene is totally repulsive - I'm looking around thinking "how can you
do stuff like that?" - so I'm being pretty cautious, but I am out there, available, and
talking and trying to make friends and meet someone special, it's all a little awkward
and scary.  On the plus side, a do get a tingle when a guy touches me, so it's
not completely hopeless, it's just going to take time, sigh.

Anyways I'm just getting back into the blogging after my hiatus, so cut me a little slack,
the next post won't suck so bad - I promise.

PS - here's the link to my last play -there are 8 songs, the first 4 songs are professionally
recorded - I think they're worth listening to if you have the time and inclination:

Sunday, February 20, 2011

We'll just see what happens, OK


So once again there's a blizzard coming - I went out to the Gay 90's last night to
catch the show, but I really wasn't into it, I just wanted to get out one night
before the blizzard comes - they're predicting 12" Sunday.  I was going to
my first PFLAG meeting in the afternoon, but it's probably going to be
cancelled due to the storm (I didn't go -it's snowing pretty good right now) 

So I've been going to Gay bars, but really nothings happened, and it doesn't
look like anythings going to happen anytime soon (I haven't even kissed a
guy yet -sigh) so I dunno, it's all kind of like that.  [I don't mean it like that -
get serious - but I did pull back from all that casual stuff a long time ago, hoping
to meet someone special, and it never happened, and there's been no one
for a very long time, and I just can't be alone like this, so if hanging out in
bars is what it's going to take, well.... I hate it, but what choice is there?]

 I decided to cancel therapy sessions after going to four sessions.  It really
did not go well - I wound up getting anxiety attacks after the last couple sessions,
but I was so happy for a couple weeks after the first session, that at least I know
I can feel that happy, it's not that I always have to be down, it's this stupid situation
I'm stuck in that's the problem. So, I e-mailed my therapist and said that I was
just going to go with her preliminary diagnosis of me being a cross-dresser.  Which is fine -
I'm estactic about it - I'm a cross-dresser!! Well that's OK, it could be worse.

So now that it's official, I have to actually get some dresses, and girly stuff like that (yeh,
that does sound kind of odd - doesn't it? -shh- don't say anything)
Money's really tight right now, but I'm making a wish list.  It is kind of exciting actually.
I went ahead and ordered a DVD on finding your feminine voice for about $30, now,
I'm all excited about getting that in mail but it'll be a couple weeks -sigh.

So I got this new hobby - working on presenting myself as a good looking cross dresser,
and I'll be a little busy with that and school and part-time work and everything so I really
don't know how often I will be posting here, but we'll just see what happens, OK?

On the dieting - sometime this week I will have officially lost 50 pounds - which is a lot
honestly.  I'm  thinking it will take 65 to 80 pounds before I will be presentable, but
of course, money is still a problem, even when I ditch the weight.
PS, I went ahead and posted my last play here:
this is the full play with recordings of all the songs - it takes an enormous amount of time
and effort to write a play, so if anyone does take the time to read it and comment on it,
that'd mean a lot to me, I mean even if you think it sucks, just that you took the time would
be encouraging.

PPS - Hey Jennifer, you still read this?