Thursday, December 29, 2011

and the winner of the week #8 drag contest is:  Stacy!
(who me?) actually I wasn't too suprised -there's
two ways to look at this - the cynical way is to say well
gee Stacy you were the only girl entered (that's kind of
the way in boy mode I'd naturally think, and it'd rob me
of any feeling of accomplishment whenever I did
accomplish anything so here's the alternate gilry take
on it -  I was there competing, there were other people
who could have showed up, but they went once or
 twice or are waiting for an engraved invitation. or whatever
the bar was holding a drag contest and it needed
someone who wanted to show up and compete in drag,
and I wanted to show up, get all dolled up and play my
harmonica and I gave a good performance -  the crowd
got to see a show, the bar got to hold it's competition and
not cancel it because no one even bothered to show up
(for the $50 prize - I like cash prizes)  and it was a good
enough performance in fishbowl that I made another $10
in tips, so people were having fun, and I got to get up and
play my harmonica, and since I won this week, I
get to compete for the finals ($500 prize) - now OK
my chances are slim to none, but I will be playing my
harmonica in front of a bigger audience, and they'll
see what I'm doing is unique, an who knows?
probably nothing will come of it, but it is another chance,
and I'll get all dolled up, and do my best and smile
like I'm  having fun ( well that's the easy part)

anyways for next week I want to improve my act -
so I'm listening to some Etta James, looking for the right song
to play along to, and I got my new over the bust corset (very nice)
and I'll be going with hip pads (which I'll have to make this weekend)
and I'll be shopping for a really prettyu dress (well of course a pretty
dress is needed and maybe some Victoria's Secret lingerrie
for confidence, heheheheh, hmmmmmm)

anyways at the bar after my performances I had a long conversation
with a couple straight girls who were there for a bachlorette party,
and at some point in our discussion of fashion and beauty tips and
same sex marriage and courage and cabbages and kings, I wound
up taking my falseys out so they could see them which ended up
with one of the girls cupping her hands on my natural breast and
me resting my head on one girls breast and me feeling one of the
girls breast and we're all just talking away and all a little drunk,
and I'm thinking  at this point, this is a very silly conversation - I was
very tired by the end of the night though, and I had to be up
at 6am ( 3 hours sleep - I was sort of sober when the alarm
went off in the morning)

PS besides winning $50, I also got the OK to start using the
woman's restroom - using the  men's restroom when
you're in drag  is kind of serioulsly yucky -you get hit
on a lot - of course the assumption is that I'll just go
in and use the bathroom discreetly and leave which is
really all I want to do in any bathroom

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

I couldn't make this up - I was running late at work yesterday
and remembering what a disaster the last time I tried going
to a gender therapist was ( about a year ago) I really wanted
to go dressed up - I knew that anyone who sees whats going
on in going to agree that what I want makes sense for me, but
if I'm sitting there as a guy trying to explain things, well it'd be
deja vu all over again, so running late I went to plan b - I had all my
stuff in a bag I carry for such an emergency, but I was really late so
I needed a place along the way that I could walk in and change
and walk out -and  one place fit the bill, so I went to my church!
yeh, like I said I couldn't make this up - I do volunteer maintenance
stufff at the church so they recognize me  (even though I wasn't dressed
up and it is extremely rare that I go there not dressed up now) ,
but OK - I knock on the door , get the I almost didn't recognize you,
someone else I know walks in,asks "where's Stacy?" and I'm
going " in the bag here" , I go downstairs, do my maintenance
thing, change into my skirt and blouse, go to a bathroom put on my
makeup and wig and walk out and as I'm leaving who's there?
the pastor!  seriously - so I start talking about how I'm going
to the gender therapist for the first time and want to convince
the guy that I'm crazy (as if that should be a problem) - but
crazy in the right weay as we discuss (gender dysphoria) , and
I'm joking about how this may be the first sex change in the churches
basement, and I'm still rushing to get over to the therapist's office in
time.  I get there on time, and the session went really well and
I am very happy about how well it went and all ,
and I think coming in in a skirt and blouse did help, so it was worth
it, but how ridiculous -they were really cool about it at the church.
afterwards I drove over to a nearby gay bar for some fish and chips
 and then went home so a kind of odd day, but nice.

Monday, December 26, 2011

I go to my new gender therapist tommorrow.
I went 4 times to last my gender therapist, and it
really screwed me up - but I started going to
my gay church and ultimately started dressing
up and dressing up and going out in public,
joined my church, met many people, been
seeing a therapisit about coming out as gay
(it was always understood that I didn't want
to cover the trans-stuff until I was on more
stable ground), finished tech school and
started a new job, lost 50 pounds, and
probably more. 
The big thing is if I can get done with work
early enough I can get dressed up and drive
to his office and show up and he'll see immediately
that this is who I am comfortable being, and if
I can't get done with work early enough I will
walk in in my work clothes and still be comfortable
enough in boy mode to talk about how I've been living
and how good I feel about going out in public
and being myself and meeting people and trying
to live my life this way as much as I can, and I just
need to be honest about how I feel about myself
and who I need to be to make my future work,

but yeh I'm kind of nervous, and last time was
such a disaster but so much has changed -there
is so much that I take for granted now that would
have been impossible back then -it really is
different this time  - I pray this works out.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

My first Christmas in drag was nice.  I wore the same outfit
I wore the other day to the musical, and started the day with
a quick walk then went to my church and did the maintenance
thing I volunteer for then I attended the service.
The service was enjoyable, and afterwards I went downstairs
for the community meal which was really good - I thought I was
going to be helping serve the meal but there were enough people
so I was off the hook (I'd kind of look forward to serving actually)
so I chatted nd ate and spent about an hour there before driving
to Como park and walked around the zoo in my powder blue
down coat ( very pretty) and my 4" heeled boots - so my calfs
are kind of sore right now after walking around for several hours
but it was fun I had lunch there and bought an inexpensive
necklace and a gift card.  had a meal over there too, and
one lady said she loved my boots, which I really enjoyed,
wo that was my Christmas -nothing special, but nice.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

I went to the matinee performance of Rodgers and Hammerstein's
Cinderella, and it was a lot of fun.  I ended up wearing a brown
leather skirt (size 14, some nice hem details) , some brand new
brown shoes with 4" heels that are very fun ( and actually comfortable
to walk in) and the red top.  I have a powder blue down coat which
is really cute to wear when I'm outside and I bought some blue gloves
to go with it. Then a black purse completes the outfit.  Wearing comfortable
4" heels is way different than weqaring uncomfortable 4" heels and it's
hard not to feel kind of special walking down the street wearing these,
then you catch a look at yourself in the glass, and think "oh, very nice!"'
just a long, graceful pretty stride that looks really good - which has
nothing to do with the musical -sorry, but my tickets were up on the
mezzanine which meant that going in, during intermission and after
the show I had to go up or down the staircase wearing my heels and skirt
coat and I was feeling pretty graceful and enjoying these moments.-
ok sorry the play is a bit of fluff, with some cute songs that are well done,
Cinderella was very pretty and had a good voice and was quite graceful
as a dancer - the gowns at the start were bleh, and the gowns at the end
were very pretty (no suprise there)-the prince was of course handsome
and a good actor - the play was entirely predicatable, so I don't know
why I was crying at one point other than if you're a guy who get's all dolled
up like that you get to cry at a play even a silly one, but regardless I had
fun and enjoyed it and going to a play was really a big accomplishment.
The doorman holds the door and smiles at you ( very nice) the lady at
the will call was very nice to me and smiling too, at intermission I talked
to the usher about the shows she had been seeing, which was fun,
the couples next to me were very polite, one lady complimented me
on my shoes (yeah) and afterwards we both agreed that the show
was kind of wonderful so everyone was very friendly and smiling
and I'm still pretty sure I don't pass, so I'm still trying to get my head
to accept that I really can just put on a skirt and some makeup and go
out and just do anything any other woman would do and jsut be accepted,
it's an amazing thing -no one ever tells you this -you have to experience
it for yourself, but it's amazing,

I actually got dolled up pretty early and left at about 7:30 am drove to
Unique (a thrift store) where I bought several skirts, a couple 2 piece
outfits, the blue gloves I mentioned a couple necklaces  and a pair
of men's size 10 figure skates (I want to go figure skating in drag but
I'll have to get the skates sharpened and get some white boot covers)
I spent about $70.00 and about an hour and a half there.  There was
a store nearby I wanted to go to but they weren't open for a half hour,
and I didn't want to wait so I drove to St Paul and my luck continuing
I went to store that sells wigs and they weren't open either (but they
should have been -there was a number to call but I'll have to go
online for some more wigs I think) so I went across the street
to a shopping center and bought some size 12 soes with 4" heels
in black and in brown, and as a concession to the reallity of
living in Minnesota some boots without heels -just warm, safe
boots that are a little girly, but basically just boots that fit and are
warm (and aren't boys boots -yuch) 
Then I went over to the walmart to get some pantyhose, and some
makeup - I want to try some different eyelinersm because the pencil
is really difficult to use, and I need more nail polish (just because
I've been using it a lot) so I'm in the aisle looking at lipsticks and
some guy is there says to me ( without really looking at me)
"there sure is a lot here, it must be confusing finding anything"
and so I go "yes it's really confusing at first" and keep strolling
along to the next aisle as he's saying "oh, uh...thanks ma'am"
I got a chuckle out of that and I turned around to go back to
that aisle a few seconds later, and he was gone - so it was
pretty funny ( I really don't know enough to help someone
else out, and I don't think I was making fun of him, I hope
I wasn't, its just that's the way it happnened).
I drove to the show next, then after the show I went to
Perkins for a meal, and Iv'e gone a couple times to
Perkins in drag and both times the waitresses have been
very nice to me and both times I left then a very nice tip,
then I went to my electrolysis session and this was the
first time she's seen me dressed up, but she also
didn't write down on her new schedule that I had a
session, so rather than talking about how I looked we
were talking about wether I was on the schedule
(I was of course and it just took a half a minute to
straighten that out and start the session, anyways
so after the session my makeup was a disaster
(OK it was tears that ruined my makeup - but I don't
whimper and it only takes once or twice to wreck your
mascara and if I didn;t have mascara on no one would
ever know).  The progress is really slow, but it'll be worth
it not having to shave and beeing smooth, so I keep going.
By the time I got home it was 7:30 pm so that
marks my first official 12 hours in drag record and
it was a fun day -I'll be in boy mode until Christmas day
which should be another fun day

Thursday, December 22, 2011

I entered thge week #7 drag contest and played really welll and the crowd was
getting into it, but fishbowl (round #2 where I end up dancing to some
pop song) didn't go too well.  The other girls were really good so, I didn't
mind losing other than 7 weeks in a row -yuck, boo, yuck,
not to be a bad sport because the other gilrs were much betterr dancers,
I'm jsut up there to get in drag and play my harmonica, but it's fun.
I got home at 2am and got up a 6am and had a full day today after a 12
hour work day yesterday, so I'm probably not getting dolled up tonight.
tommorrow is very exciting though - A live musical at the Ordway
(Cinderella) then another electolysis session, then I'll do some shopping,
so I'll be showing up for electrolysis "en femme" for the first time -she
knows I do it but she's never seen me, so that should be fun.
Then I'll probably go shopping rather than hit the bars -I'd like to do
more female stuff, and less gay male in a dress stuff.
Actually Christmas eve will be straight male in blue jeans with
the parents (I'm technically not even out about being gay with the
parents, but obviously it's an open secret - I mean no one ever asks
me if I have a girlfriend or things like that, then Christmas day I'll
spend a good bit of time at the church (dressed up of course) which
should be fun.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

I'm going to buy a ticket for CInderella,(which is a musical at the Ordaway)
- I'm going alone, because boys don't seem very interested in me (sigh) ,
but I've been thinking about doing this all day, and I think I'm ready , and it's
really very exciting.  I'll go Friday, and I'll wear a gold silk blouse with a suede
leather skirt and black boots - it'll look better than it sounds, trust me, it's
a cute outfit.  Going alone in drag to a live theatrical performance is really
very exciting -so that'll be interesting (I'll go Friday night)
Drag contest tommorrow -it's odd but I've entered 6 of these and really haven't
even been hit on by any guys - I mean I'm not beautiful or anything but  the drag
show is a lot different than you'd think, and part of the reason I'm getting more
comfortable dancing for the people is the recognition that when I'm done I
really won't have to talk to the people the watching me, I can talk to the the
other performers, but there's an invisible wall between the performers and
the audience - I'd be pretty embarrassed if I thought the people watching would
talk to me afterwards, but they'll just sit there and watch the next act and
leave me alone, which is OK -I'l, play my harp again to Mannish Boy, because
I didn't have toime to practice this week.
I'm  looking forward to Chistmas day, but I'll save that for later -Christmas Eve
will be spent with my family, that's OK too, sort of ( well I'll get through it, but I'll
be in boy mode the whole day -yuck)
Anyways I have to buy a ticket.....

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Sorry, nothing but boring girly stuff - I wore a really cute
white skirt and a red top (very Christmasy) with black
boots to church - there was a Christmas musical performance
by the choir instead of a sermon and it was a lot of fun,
after that I chatted with a couple people and joined
a church meeting for a new trans-church group -it's just
starting up but it's very worthwhile to be a part of this, so
that's worthwhile, then I offered to give another girl a ride
home, but we (as in me) decided we needed to go shopping
(I didn't need to twist her arm to much) anyways -I bought
a couple coats, a couple pairs of gloves and a necklace for
$70.00 - the one coat is really, really nice. After that I dropped
her off at her place then went to Como park and walked around
the garden (and made a quick tour of the zoo too).  I was
hungry so I stopped at the St Paul bar I go to and had a meal
and chatted a bit with a nice guy and his partner and ate my meal,
finished my beer and headed home and went back to dressing
as a boy, so it was a good day - I have to take care of a couple
things in boy mode though.

I went to Mall of America in drag and had no problems at all walking past the Security,
I was dressed in size 16 jeans, brown leather boots with a 2.5" heel, a brown suede
leather coat, matching purse and a purple top, so I looked pretty respectable, but
the security never even bothered looking at me as far as I could tell so, obviously
if you look outragous security might look at you suspicious, but if you try to present
youself as a woman and act like a lady, you shouldn't have a problem, at least I didn't.
I'm still too chicken to actually go in a store and try on a dress and buy one in a
retail setting -ie. a Macy's ,JC Penny's , something like that - the fear is that I'll be
dressed up all pretty and bring a pretty dress up to get a key to the ladies
changing room and then they send me over to the guys changing room, which would
suck, but I really want actual dresses to wear (I always think of dressing up as wearing
a pretty dress, not a skirt or a full length gown or an LBD or girls pants or whatever,
but an actual DRESS, so I think I'll go to Macy's and try on some dresses today
after church, and buy a nice one.
anyways like I said, I'm a chicken so I went to the underwater aquarium, which
is fun (I used to scuba dive a bit, and for many years I used to have aquariums
including a salt water tank with a lion fish - so this really is a destination museum
for me - I did enjoy it a lot) after the museum I went up to the food court to
Chilpoltes and that's a good meal, but if your wearing a corset, you are taking
your chances with a big boritto full of beans and everything.

To backtrack, Saturday I dressed up to see my therapist, went to the
Swedish museum (but got there about a half hour before it closed, so I
raced through some really lovely Christmas displays), then I went shopping
at a thrift store and bought a whole bunch of skirts and tops and nighties
for $70.00, then I went to the Mall of America (and the Underwater Aquarium),
then I got lost a little (well not lost, I uh, took the scenic route) and drove over
to the St Paul bar I go to, talked to a girls I've been running into at these trans
friendly places, and listened to some really excellent music before getting
up and playing a song with my harmonica - Erin and Jay are really good, and
playing with musicians of that caliber is just a blast, I did one song and some
more drinking and listening  and chatting but I was pretty sober on the drive home
(4 beers in 4 hours at the bar, but I'm a big girl) so it was a good night. 
I'm off to church this morning then I'm thinking I'll go into a Macy's and try on some
dresses and hopefully buy a couple.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

I put in 12 hours at work, so I'm exhausted -it doesn't help that I got pretty
drunk at the drag contest and staggered in still wearing my very pretty new LBD
(little black dress) and black pumps at 2 in the morning and was up at 6,
oh well

I was pretty happy with my performances in week 6 ( two more then
my drag career will come to an end I'm guessing).
I have an electrolyis session tommorrow  then I'll get dressed up
and go see a drag show

I did have one guy hit on me pretty intensly, which was different,
but it's not a big deal, and when I went to talk to some other
girls he didn't pursue it further.  As has been happening a lot
lately the guys or in this case a guy will chat me up if I'm using
the men's room or in this case coming out of the men's room
(and of course I think using the mens room when I'm all dressed
up is totally gross and I just want to get business done and
get out of there)
I thought the black gown and the  LBD were really pretty, and
I thought I was going to be hit on by
guys if I wore something like that in public, but I really wan't at all,
(except when I'm coming out of the restroom, when I have zero
interest in being hit on)
I can sit at the bar, and no guy will come up to me, which
is good in a way, at least I'm not going to do something stupid,
but it would be nice to talk to a guy occasionally - I do talk to the
girls of course, but it's not the same....

I'm really tired so I'm going to sign off here

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

I've set up an appointment right after Christmas to try the gender therapy again.
It's scary, it went really badly last time.  A bad therapist can cause a lot of
damage in a hurry, but luckily I recognized it was going wrong, actually I
shouldn't take too much credit, my body was being wracked with anxiety
attacks after the third and fourth sessions, my stomach was churning in knots,
my heart was pounding in my head, I was all twisted and tangled up,
 I was so sick that I just couldn't do that anymore,
God, she was an idiot of a therapist -it was just the biggest disaster,
and I was miles and miles away from being me and inside I could
just see me and my life disappearing - I mean I had to stop I literally physically
couldn't keep going - I was just getting to sick and it was obvious,
the whole episode was a disaster

Hopefully this time it will be different. Cetrainly I have built a support
structure of trans and gay people that I know and can turn to and
talk about a lot of things, this time I wont be trying to imagine what
I would look like trying to pass as a woman, I'll have a pretty good
idea that I can't pass as a woman, but I can function comfortably
as a trans person who will act like a woman and expects to be
treated as a woman (that's a huge difference)
I've really recognized that there is no way I'm ever going to "make it"
as a man, I'm just way too different than men,I've tried and failed at
that way too many times now -I have less faith in saying that
I could live successfully as a man than I have that I could flap my
arms and fly around the room -it just isn't going to happen,

so things are different. and hormones do a lot of really wonderful
things to your body and your face if you've grown up and lived your life
thinking that these changes should have taken place naturally,
but they never did,

Anyways I've set up an appointment and second time thru and a year
later and somethings really have changed and become more clear in my
mind so Im hopeful, but a little worried

Amateur drag show contest tonight - I'm doing "Landfall" by Fleetwood Mac
again but I added some more instrumental sections for the harmonica.
Tommorrow I want to start looking for a job where I would be showing
up for work as a female/trans person from day 1 (I'd interview in drag)
I think if I want to go full time I have to just find a job where they accept me
from day 1 as who I am , so hopefully I have a short day tommorrow
at work and I can start on my new resume.

Take Care,

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Almost 12 hours out in public in drag - it's very tiring,
I thoroughly enjoy it but it's very tiring and I had one of
those moments that I was like OK, let's call it anight,
and keep a pleasant memory rather than be all boy-boy
and set the 12 hour record. 
So I wore black size 16 jeans, black boots (about a 2-1/2 to
3" heel - I always wear heels in public, unless I'm on injured
reserve) a shiny silver/ black top (size 16) my new long lavender
down coat, acute little white cap, black gloves and a black purse
I went to Walmart and bought some lip stick and foundation and
some more jeans, panties, and several pairs of panty hose (because
they get runs so easily) -that went well as an experience
and then I drove to church The chirch service was really nice, and
at a couple points in the service, as the pastor was talking about
accepting and validating yourself in your own eyes, I found
this pretty inspirational and was wiping away a couple tears
(I wasn';t sad or anything it was just feeling kind of sympathetic
to a message aout affirmation with all I've been going through lately)
Anyways I don't do a lot a crying in public so give me a break,
ut was just a nice sermon,. OK
after the service I hung around with a few girls downstairs for a bit
and talked, and that was fun then I did my volunteer maintenance
thing, and I still say doing this maintenance stuff dressed  up is kind
of kinky (but obviously it's way kinkier when I do it wearing the
red leather pencil skirt and the 4" pumps) - I told a friend I was going
to do the maintenance stuff and she was like "Girl, we have to talk",
so this might be some of my residual guyness (that old transvestic
fetish stuff)
It was pretty nice outside so instead of going to the Mall of America,
(which has a reputation of being unfriendly to trans people -I haven't
been there yet) I decided that I wanted to walk around a bit outside,
so I went to the Minnesota Zoo.  I was there for several hours and
had lunch there and it was fun - I'll assume you don't want to hear about
lions and tigers and bears so I'll move on.
I heard the other day about a thrift store called "Unique" so I went there
next (well I did stop for gas and deliberately paid in cash so I had to go in
-I've been doing that a lot lately -but it was more fun when I obviously wasn't
a woman, now it's not so blatantly obvious) I bought a couple really nice blouses,
a jean skirt (memories of being a teenage boy and staring at the pretty girls
wearing things like that -that was a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away,
and even then I still wanted the skirt more than their tush) a couple nighties,
a (female) wallet and a purse, everything was 3 or 4 dollars each except for the
purse which was $25.00, I probably spent too much for it, but it's nice,
it was an impulse purchase, obviously.
Then I decided to go to the Holidazzle parade (the second time I've gone) but I
got there early so I had a beer and used the restroom at the Gay90's then I
started walking down Hennepin then I walked over to Nicollet and went in
Macy's (and saw some really, really nice shoes but I was safe they don't stock
shoes for Clysdales like me who need size 12) I went to a couple more stores
and looked at dresses and blouses and shoes and the were all very nice and
very expensive and very small -I  really, really need to start losing weight again,
if I'm going to do this for real, but it was getting close to the time the parade
was going to start so I found a nice place to sit, away from what crowd had
gathered on the route.  I was kind of hoping sitting alone like that , that maybe
a guy would come up to me, but I'm not pretty that way, and instead I wound
up squeezed between two families -which actually was kind of nice, so anyways
kids to the left of me kids to the right of me and a couple young couples and
all that, but if you are just some lady stiing alone waiting for a parade, well that's
what happens- young couples feel safe and comfortable sitting next to you
(it was nice, as a guy at a parade usuallly there is a space of about two or three
feet between me and the nearest person, as a girl it's like two or three inches, max
which would you prefer?) The parade itself is OK, bicylcle powered floats with
alot of christmas lights, you wave at the people of the floats but it's a small
parade- it's fun to be outside in a crowd in the middle of winter watching the lights
and all but its more just being a part of the crowd.  After the parade, as
the young couple on the right were getting ready to go the mother looked at
me and wished me a merry christmas, which caught me by suprise and I thanked
her of course, but that was really nice, just a pleasant smile and a Merry Christmas,
it's such a small thing but I'm walking back thinking about it and I smile and wipe
away atear and rather than go back to the Gay90's and have a few beers and wait
for the drag show to start and set my 12 hours in drag record, I decide to go walk
along with the crowd back to the parking ramp, and hop in my truck and go home.
So I did almost 12 hours in draq - it was fun, regardless.
So quick update before I go to bed here
a) my "homework" assignment from my
regular therapist is to begin contacting
a couple gender therapists, because as she
says obviously I am so much happier this way,
that well .. well I'm just a lot happier when
I'm dressed up, and more comfortable and just
more alive, it's so much better going out
this way,
and b) I finally did go into a Perkins alone
dressed up ordered an ultimate omlette
with white toast, fruit, and coffee and it was
a pleassant experience -I very nearly
chickened out at the door and while waiting
for the hostess.but I went thru with it and the
waitress called me ma'am several times which makes
me feel a little silly, I don't mind it, it just makes me
feel funny, but she was nice and all so I left a
$10 dollar tip on a $12.00 meal (which is
fun I'll admit), all in all no big deal, I didn't
think it would be, but still I was very pleased
that I could just be myself and have a quick
meal beofre my cross gender club meeting
c) earlier I went to an upscale thrift shop and
bought a couple really nice winter jackets, the
lavender one is long, quilted down (very warm)
very close fitting and really shows of a girls
curves very nicely, I have total confidence
walking around outside in this coat that I am
warm, fashionable, and I look very much like
a woman (as long as I have the corset on)
so I went over to Lake Phalen and walked
around the light display there, and a couple
people (both men and women) said hi as
I walked along, so that's a lot of fun.
I decided to slurge and drive along the display
too (to drive it costs $10.00) it's all right,
walking outside in a warm coat feeling pretty
saying hi to the guys walking their dogs is
a lot more fun honestly
I went to Lake Phalen before that and walked
holiday light show and a couple people,
after that I went to dinner as I mentioned,
then went to the Cross Dressing/ Cross Gender
club meeting which is the official mark of my
cross dressing in public - I talked to several girls,
and had a discussion with one about the terminology
of cross dressing vs transexual and personal pronouns
and all but honestly I'm so new to this in some ways that
saying I'm a cross dresser who wants to work on
being more passable seems like a fair description,
internally it all opens up so much that its kind of in
flux, I sort of like the third sex/trans person idea, and
she seemed to think that transperson is a good
description of her feelings too.  Anyways it was a good night
I got emailed some pictutes of me playing harmonica
in a dress from a few weeks ago and talked about electolysis
and hormones and cothes and stuff and had a good time
actually and went home pretty early (around 11)  and
pretty sober ( I only had two beers all night)
so it's sunday morning and I need to get dressed for church
(yeah I fell asleep at the keyboard midway through this
post last night -tired but happy)

Thursday, December 8, 2011

week 5 drag contest was last night - it runs 8 weeks so there's
only a couple more and I'm going to try and make the last three.
I'm struggling but it's good experience and having been dressing
for two months now (yes it is officially 2 months of cross dressing
now) there are things about the drag world that are good to know
and it's interesting seeing the whole behind the scenes stuff.
the people are nice but I kind of feel a bit like an outsider.
One of the contestants I met last night gave me her number about
some actually affordable wigs and dresses and "drag supplies"
like the huge eyelashes and stuff like that -so that wass good,
she's very pretty so I'm totally jealous of her that way but she's
nice and I'd like to improve so I'll gladly accept help in finding
stuff I need to perform better.
I wore the two black gowns again, but I didn't wear the hip pads
( they're not very comfortable and honestly, well if some guy puts
his hand on your hip, you wont feel a thing under all that foam, not
that I'm going to be dancing with some guy, I'm just saying were I to
wind up dancing with some guy it'd be nicer with out hip pads,
anyways.. ) I did wear the corset, and that really changes my figure a lot
(it takes about 7 or 8" off the waist) so I had the black gown and heels
and corset and all and was feeling a little elegant - and sitting at the
bar before the show and a kind of silly boy from New York introduced
himself to me - he was very nice actually and charming but he was kind
of silly (in a nice way but he was) he talked to me a bit and to the other girls
too and that wass fun, at some point he kissed me on the cheek, in a
harmless flirtatous way, but that was nice.  For the first number I did
Fleetwood Mac's "Landslide" -the live version,and played the intro and the
instrumental with my harmonica ( a B flat harmonica if your interested).
I had practced the song while driving at work so I had the lyrics down
pretty good for lip syncing and the gown goes well with that song, so
I was pretty happy with that performance (I do need a song with a longer
instrumental section but I could edit this song if I have time this weekend).
Actually I got a good response from the audience and it went well.
Fishbowl -the second round where you get a song you might not know
didn't go so well -I got a live version of a song  by Cher -"Do you believe..."
I've heard the song a few times before, but I didn't know it or anything
and I struggled through it.  But afterwards, a few people were pretty
sympathetic about it and a very pretty cis-woman gave me a hug, so
if I had chickened out (which I really wanted to do - I knid of suspected
I was going to struggle in fishbowl) I wouldn't have gotten to talk to
a couple people like that so there are good things that happen when
you try, even if you do make a fool of yourself  -for me going out in
public in drag being able to deal with the "this is a humilating situation
and I have to deal with it and get through it as best I can" is the really
valuable thing I am getting from this performing - I am far more
comfortable dealing with potetially embarrassing situations now that
I was a few months ago.
So I had a good time and I was thoroughly exhausted this morning,
and after several days of 10-12 hours of work without breaks,
I finally said I'm just too tired and worn down and I called
in sick and slept in until 10 am (which was sweet!) I've got
something tonight that I have to be boy for , so I can't dress up
tonight but after work tomorrow I will go out, and I'm thinking
I may go out all day Saturday and all day Sunday in drag which
would be a first for me (I've never done all day)

Sunday, December 4, 2011

OK let me explain the caption - I went to church in drag like I always do now,
and then the last couple weeks I've gone out to a museum, so this week I
went to Como park which has a zoo and an an indoor garden -it's really nice
and I thought it'd be a fun place to go in drag, and it was, but I walk in
the primate house, and this sweet old guy who's a volunteer is giving information
to visitors, but I don't know this at the time, all I know is I'm standing at the spider
monkey exhibit watching one monkey groom another monkey and some man
walks up to me and tells me "Spider monkeys don't have thumbs they only have
four fingers, their tails are prehensile"  I am at a complete loss for words, and
take a moment and say "oh..but chimpanzees have thumbs, I'm sure.. I was
just watching them groom, they are very focused aren't they...."
I seriously don't think the guy realized I was a guy in a dress, and
I might have kept him guessing if he hadn't hit me with a question I
was less prepared for than a Republican presidential candidate,
so I must be a little passable, but a lot of girls read me quickly,
or maybe they're just smiling because I'm the only one silly enough
to be walking around wearing a skirt outdoors with snow on the ground.
(I like wearing skirts and there's no backing out when you're in drag in a skirt
or dress - you can take off the wig, but you're still dressed as a girl - it's
no big deal if you're prepared, but there's no backing out -you're in drag
until you get back home)
Anyways church service was good and the sermon made me think a bit,
I might actually do a little Bible reading tonight instead of going out - it would
be nice to relax and read a bit for a change and hopefully you all won't get
too mad about my choice of reading material. 
after service I talked to a couple people, and I should probably give someone
a call during the week to talk about going out shopping -being "one of the girls"
going out shopping with some other trans people would be really fun
Como park was a really good time, everybody was nice to me, not one bad
incident or comment or anything, just friendly people - one girl was kidding me a bit
about if I was warm enough, but she was being friendly - I was the one in the skirt
walking through the snow - which was a very silly thing to do -It was pretty
fun that she thought she could kid me about it - and I smiled and said I was
dressed pretty warm, etc -all in all I had a good time, lunch at the restraunt
there was a chicken quisedella and it was pretty good -it was a nice fun
afternoon, but being in the corset, I wisely decided to head home after
I had lunch.  (Corsets are totally comfortable and really fun to wear
I am finding out - but if you have a few beers or a meal, you better
be prepared to loosen it up or take it off or they really get uncomfortable)
Other than walking the dog, I won't be in drag tommorrow and probably
not Tuesday either - Wednesday is the trans support group if I can make it
and the drag contest ( which I want to enter again). Hopefully Tuesday I can
buy some men size 10.5 figure skates and dye them white - I hope to do a
lot of outdoor figure skating in drag this winter.
The Met Opera movie showing was really long (the music was good,
the staging was incredible, Renee Fleming is very pretty and an amazing
voice of course, the plot was boring so overall it was OK -it's good
to do things with my parents who officially at least don't know that I'm
gay or that I cross dress, which will be awkward, considering that I had
to move back with the parents several years ago - it really didn't matter
much before because I haven't slept with a man in years and years and I
wasn't cross dressing, just fantasizing about it - and I still haven't slept
with a man for a very long time, but I am sleeping in a negligee and
dressing to walk the dog, and going out three or four nights a week in
drag and at some point there's a remote chance that I'll get discovered.
Or maybe I'm just being paranoid?
It has occurred to me that dressing up like this, while I am meeting
a lot of people, is not going to change my chances of meeting a guy
one iota, it actually makes it almost impossible, but I'm not going to
stop, so one just has to resign yourself to one fate -being alone isn't
so bad if you can make some friends....
Anyways it snowed a bit and the Opera movie was realy long so I went
out to the bar as planned but then the plan unravelled -the initial plan
was that I was going to play harmonica a bit with a very pretty and
talented performer who was in the show on the main floor, and also
play my harmonica in the piano lounge too - I did meet up with the
performer and said hi and hugged and stuffed and watched her perform,
and I am very jealous of her talent, but in the end I drifted over to the
piano lounge where an extremely talented singer (who happens to be
on the cover of this weeks Lavender) was performing to an almost
empty room (consisting of her friends and the bartender and me)
still the music is so much more to my liking than what was playing on
the main floor that I stayed there -another "girl" came in and sat with
me but I was more into listening to he,so that was kind of rude of me
but I'm not always very talkative -I didn't mean to be rude, I was just
enjoying the singer's talent.  I did get up and played a song (yeah!)
and it went well.  A little bit later they went on break and due to the
lack of crowd the bartender said they could call it a night - which is
frustrating, because she and the piano player were really excellent.
Meanwhile, I was laced up tightly in my corset and I guess 3 beers and
a corset don't mix, so I felt like I was about to give birth - I finally
hd to say "no mas" and went out to the truck and wriggled out of
the corset (which was under the girdle which was under the dress -
it wasn't elegant) after this I really didn't feel ver pretty and dainty
and all - having just performed my Shamu gives birth dance in the
bench seat of my truck -it was sereiously not pretty trust me -
I thought about trying to doll up again and look nice, but not
after that - so I drove home in this disheveled state through the snow
and of course covertly walked in to my parents house in my dress and
wig and full makeup and purse and outfit bag and everything -I have
a downstairs entry and a downstairs bathrooms - so anyways I walk in
undress and slip into my slip and call it a night. 
Today is Sunday so I go to church in drag, then I'll go out and maybe go
in drag to Como park and downtown Minneapolis for some shopping,
we'll see.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

That last post was too boring, so I've mentioned several times
now that I dress up to walk the dog in the morning. so here's
my latest dog walking outfit - an LBD with a corset, girdle
and bra underneath.. pantyhose and boots, a red coat white scarf
and hat, black gloves, boots and purse, and a blog wig.
I wore this out this morning and some joggers jogged by
and we had a real short conversation about my dog -who's
very pretty.  I like to think that they thought I was a woman
but maybe they were just being nice -I'm kind of delusional
when it comes to me looking like a woman -if you haven't figured
out by now. regardless, I'm dressing up for the dog walk in the morning
almost every day now (I think I haven't twice in four weeks -both
times because I wass out late and almost overslept)
So I'm thinking of wearing this to the hollidazzle parade, because
it is pretty festive and christmasy but of course I'll put on make up,
which will make me look prettier -I'm  not delusional about that-
foundation does make me look prettier, and mascara really
helps make my eyes look more feminine, a little lipstick helps

Anyways I'm  off to the Met Opera live in HD at my local
movie theater with my parents, and I have like5 minutes before I have to
leave, so bye  (PS they're broadcasting it live on NPR radio too, if you
want to hear it -Renee Fleming is in it so it should be good)

Friday, December 2, 2011

I tried going to the Goodwill, but the fashions were so ugh
and the racks so disorganized that I gave up and just bought
3 purses for $18.00 total so that's OK but I can't really
recomend shopping here, but I did provide entertainment
for the folks looking through the racks for anything half-way
decent in a size 16.. oh well

Electrolysis session #3 went pretty good , I'm starting to get used
to it. Driving back I started feeling kind of fatigued so I decided
not to go out in drag tonight, and instead I'll go to the Met Opera
movie screening at noon either with my parents or alone in drag
then in the evening I have something really good planned -I'll
talk about it after the fact tommorrow

So slow night -I'm going to look for some size 12 white figure skates
and order them, then maybe order another corset


I took a little nap and felt human again, so I tried on the corset and
it's really nice.  I've never worn a corset before and I thought it would
hurt or be uncomfortable , but it's not - I've had it on for several hours
now, and decided to try on an LBD over it and I really like the way
it looks and feels.  It's an old style corset with the boning and lacing
and satin and everything so it's nice to look at too, but I plan on
wearing it more than looking at it actually. so I took this picture
and that's me with a 32" waist (my normal waist is 36-37" so it's a
quite noticeable reduction, but like I said it's very
comfortable).  I think I'm going to wear it to bed tonight.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

So I entered week 4 of the drag contest,played my harmonica and had a good time.
I made about $20 in tips, so that was fun and a number of people liked it and told
me so.  It's worth it, considering I've been dressing up for almost 2 months,
and it really forces me to get out and dance and work on my look and my clothing,
but I'm not remotely competitive with the drag queens - I'm just some MT? in
a gown who wants to play some music and have fun.
The gowns are really nice, and I added some hip padding this time and
putting some curves in really shows off what pretty gowns these are
that I'm wearing.  So I get to sit around the bar in long black sleeveless
gowns and heels and stockings and lots of fun stuff and I'm meeting people
and the making the bar a comfortable place to go when I'm dressed up,
so it's worth the effort and overcoming some of my shyness - I really am meeting
an amazing number of people compared to my boy life (where I rarely meet
anyone).  Im going to try and play some music with another of the
performers at another bar this Saturday, so thats pretty exciting,
and I'll try again next week - I got a new secret weapon
( my pink and black corset arrived in the mail!)
Anyways I managed to finish work early today, and I was at the bar at 2am
last night after putting in a 10 hour so I'm really tired and I'm
going to take a nap then try on my new corset

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I am so totally frustrated right now, 12 hours of work monday
10 hours today but with a 2 hour window so it took 12 hours,
I'm wiped out and other than walking the dog in the morning
I've been in boy mode the whole time (well I sleep in a slip
now, but that doesn't count) My feet hurt so bad from all the
walking in heels I've done lately that I had to wear tennis
shoes when I went out ( I don't have any womans flats,
I should probaly pick up a few pairs)
Anyways like I say I'm feeling really frustrated so last night,
 I needed a little "relaxing" and so I was and the stupid vibrator
cap breaks and I wind up playing the Maytag repair man,
and thinking that being a vibrator repair man has got to be
the grossest job in the world when you consider where it's been,
(sorry if that's in bad taste)
I have some girdles and corsets on order and someday they may arrive
but in the meantime I wait....
I was going to go shopping in boy mode but then I just wasn't in the mood
for dealing with all that, but I have noticed that if I go and buy some girly
stuff in guy mode, if I walk around in guy mode with nail polish on  or
if I go and come back in full drag people seem to respond to me about
the same which is odd because someone buying articles of womans clothing,
someone wearing nail polish and someone dressing fully are three
highly different sittuations.
So I got to do some stuff in boy mode then go to sleep
but Tommorow should be fun - the drag contest is
Wednesday night and I have two pretty black gowns
to wear - I am really tired right now, so later

Sunday, November 27, 2011

when I did this caption, everything I did this weekend would have been impossible,
almost unimagineable.  Now it's tiring, fun, but really tiring -it takes a lot out of you,
but it's still very, very nice doing this for real

So I went out in public to the Holidazzle parade. I got there a little early so I decided
to walk along the street to the other end of the parade route (the beggining end).
I was wearing my size 16 slacks and size 12 boots, a grey and black blouse,
a very cute and festive red coat (which is not very warm) and my blond wig.
The wig really works well with my face and a number of people have commented
on how nice the wig looks when I'm wearing it then a white cap and matching
scarf (which are really cute) and black gloves. The parade starts at 6:30 I'd walked
to end of the route then turned around and went into a Chipolte resteraunt and
got a burrito.  Waiting in line in drag is a drag, but no one said anythin g or seemed
to care or anything.  The people on the line making the burrito where extremely
professional (what would you like ma'am? -they were being nice to me I know that,
but I genuinelly apprectiated the courtesy they extended to me by using female
gender  and gender neutral terms).  Chipolte Burrito's are huge, so I ate about half
before walking back and finding a good spot in the muddle of the route.  There were
a lot of people all ready hanging around and more came so by the parade time
there were people all around me, and from what I can tell no one really noticed
that there was anything unusual about me, I was just another woman in the crowd
(which is a very nice thing to be!).   The parade was a lot of fun but it was cold
and windy.  After the parade I stopped into the Gay90's for a beer, bumped into
a girl I know a bit, we chatted a little, then it was back to the ramp and on to St Paul.
I changed into a really lovely black full length evening gown - because I was planning
on sitting in for a song in the piano lounge, and I thought the gown would be really
lovely and a lot of fun to wear - it was of course, but there were a lot of (gay) guys in the
piano lounge that night, and when none of them really paid any attention to me , I kind
of felt a bit overdressed - it's such a pretty gown, but I looked pretty, they just were'nt
into it (it was a group of gay small business owners and business owners are highly
conformists and  trannys are by neccessity non-conformists, so I probqably scared
them as funny as that sounds) anyways I did get up after a while and sat in on asong
and another girl I've met before got to see me play (it wasn't just me, she was sitting there
to see me play and they weren't interested in her either, so eh, anyways after the swhow
I went into the main bar and caught some of the drag show and talked to a couple of
girls like me about stuff, and that was fun but it got to be pretty late so I headed
home and wound up being so tired I pulled off the road and took a nap, still in my gown!
the next morning I wore a black pleated skirt which is really nice a grey blouse and the
purple coat with the new white cap and scarf (they really are very cute)..  I walked
the dog, took a shower, then put the skirt back on and went to church.
The service was good and after the service I talked to a couple people including
a nice long talk with a guy ( I dunno, maybe)  and a pre-op giirl I know who gave
me the name and number of her gender therapist.  I''ve got a couple names now,
(I'm a little uneasy about leaving my therapist out of this, but ..well she's busy
and I'm busy and I'm not sure waiting helps anything and well , I'll tell her
but I want to be moving in the right direction... anyways...)
After church I drove to the Art Institute and saw the Edo Pop exhibit,
it was pretty crowded and while everyone was nice to me it was crowded
I enjoyed the exhibit and afterwards I went to the third floor for the period
rooms and all the while in my skiirt and just walking around looking at the
art and having a wonderful time.  There is a resteraunt on the second floor
so I ate there -it was a good meal - then I headed home,
So I'm officially goiing out in public, walking around dressed up and just
trying to be accepted as a girl, or a guy who'd like to be treated as a girl,or whatever,
but I can do it and I'm sure I'll be doing it again.

It really was a real struggle to get to this point, but it's nice knowing that I really
can put on a dress and go out and do OK.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

I had a nice lunch with a friend I've made recently. I was
a little nervous before calling her but the lunch went really
well.  It was a pretty important because she was one
of the friends who'd gone out to see me Wednesday, so
anyways having lunch was a really good idea so when she
suggested it I agreed and picked her up and took her to a
Denny's (it's not a romantic lunch OK, we're friends)
I was in guy mode, and she did manage to get me to blush talking
about the black gown I was wearing the night before -it really is
very pretty - and just by watching her example and seeing how
one needs to present onseself in public and how people respond,
is giving me the courage to do it myself today
going out in public, alone, in the middle of the day, to a denny's
or perkins or something and just ordering a lunch - that's my goal
for today everything else is old hat  but this is new and it's a little
scary, but it should be fun - but it's scary, I'll admit
After I dropped her off I went to electrolysis - and ouch, ouch ouch
ouch -it's not bad but after 55 minutes of this it suddenly went from
not too bad to "oh that hurts!" and she recognized it and called it a day,
so next friday is session #3 its a long process but it'll be worth it.
Otherwise I went on line and ordered a couple corsets and got
some pet food and an oil change  in boy mode- glamorous, huh?

Thursday, November 24, 2011

I'm going to gloss over a bunch of stuff about last night,
because it's too new, and well it's just too recent.

So I got finished with work early so I had a chance to
buy some breast forms at a fantasy house (which of course
I wore when I went out later) and a new human hair wig at
a wig shop (which I decided not to wear last night).
Then I went home, got dolled up and went out. 

I started out at a trans support group I've been going to, and
even thouhg I don't really need "support" right now, I think that
this is really valuable to have this type of connection to people
that I can talk to openly, if I ever get to the point that I do need
to really talk about stuff - in the past there's never been anyone
I could talk to about anything that matters - so it's important, and
it's fun too, one of the girls was commenting on how nice I looked,
and I've really improved my ability to present myself in a pretty
significant way if a fairly short time and it's nice that people are
noticing this effort.

After the meeting I went over to the church and they were having
a potluck dinner -I didn't know about that, but I was hungry, and
so I had a really good turkey dinner and apple pie and coffee -
and I got to chat a little with a couple people so that was fun.

The big event of the night was the amateur drag contest I was entering
(for the third week in a row).   I'd picked Muddy Water's "Mannish Boy"
as my song for the first round and was playing my harmonica along with
it (the song is in A, so I play in cross harp using a D harmonica) - afterwards
some of the other performers were commenting on how they really liked
my music but that some of the audience didn't like it because it wasn't the
drag show experience they were expecting ( lip syncing and dancing to
a pop song in an elaborate costume) -of course the girl who told me this
also plays the sax and started her drag career doing martial arts things because
that's what she knew and now has expanded to some more theatrical shows,
all of which is to me is interesting.  I'll get better at the lip syncing and dancing
part but really my intrest is having fun getting up to play my harmonica and
put on something pretty. So I'm not really a drag queen and never will be,
but I really do want to improve my performance - and I would like to win
one of these once I'm entered, but we'll see.
Before the show a couple friends showed up and one of them helped me
with my makeup (well actually he put on some makeup, and I just sat there
feeling pampered -it's pretty cool letting someone else put make up on you,
especially when he really knows what he's doing)
So the performance in the first round went well - I played my harmonica
and moved around a bit and generally had a lot of fun playing
in the next round the DJ picks a song and you have to perform a routine
to it (The Fishbowl round) -I got some song I've never heard and tried
to dance along to it - it wasn't a very good performance.
Anyways I didn't win, but I was dancing with a friend while wearing a very
pretty full length gown and we talked a bit after that.

Then Thursday I got thru Thanksgiving with the family and my brother
and his family and all that. 

my second electrolysis session is tonight, and since she knows I am
a cross dresser or a drag queen or what ever I am I'm going to
go ahead and show up in drag but without foundation on and not
shaving my upper lip and no caffeine, then I'll put on the rest of
my makeup and go out to the bars.

PS - I had to give up captioning because it too much time
 and no one ever commented on any of the work or anything,
but I did go online to a site
where I have some of my artwork on sale.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

I wound up kissisng a guy I'd met before a little bit. I was at a bar
hanging out for a bit.  We'd met briefly before the amateur contest last
Wednesday, so we'd kind of met before. He saw me at the bar
and sat down next to me and put his hand on my knee. That felt kind of nice
so I let him, but I stopped him when he tried to move his hand too far
up my skirt.  We talked a bit. He said I looked nice which
obviously I liked, so when he asked about kissing that seemed all right
but I said no tongue, then when he kissed me he was trying to use
his tongue and I was stopping it and that's just not romantic, I want
to close my eyes and relax in a guys arms not be pulling back trying
to keep his tongue out of my mouth and thinking too much,
so it wasn't nearly as much fun as it could have been, and it really
was his own fault.  After a bit, we walked into another room where
they were projecting music videos on a screen, and we talked and
danced a bit. It was a slow dance and I'm just learning to dance,
but it was really nice when he started kissing my neck, I mean it
was really very pleasant and I couldn't believe it when after just
a brief moment of this pleasure he stopped.  Anyways after a little
more kissing (with the same result - trannies are some of the most
stubborn people you'll ever meet) and sone gentle hugging he decided
to call it a night and left. I guess hugging me is boring.
Then I called it a night too. 
I'm kind of a little frusrated about the whole thing right now.
If he'd kissed me on the lips and been more romantic about the whole
thing it could have been a fun night for both of us, but I was telling him
that, and he just didn't listen. 

Sunday, November 20, 2011

This was probably my favorite day as a girl.
Nothing major it was just a really nice day.
I started off by going to church - I wore my
slacks, a black blouse, a little grey sequined top
and my new red jacket,.  The service was good
and I know a lot of the people sitting around me
so we exchange hellos and hugs and smiles and it
fun, after the service you go downstairs and talk
to people for a while then I went into the maintenance
area and did some work and got to meet the
other more senior guy, so we talked a bit
and it was interesting and pretty informative,
Then on a whim, I decided to go over to the
Walker Art Museum, still dressed up.
so I did, and I walked thru the museum for
a couple hours and some girls smiled at me,
and the art work is interesting, and the meal
at the cafe was OK, and the sculpture garden
in the snow is always fun
so that was my day - just out there being a girl
and it's nice - I was going to go to the day
of remembrance ceremony, but honestly
I'm not sure I've been doing this long enough
to really count as a trans person - I mean one
month is nothing compared to the years a typical
girl has been facing this, so I just wasn't sure
I'd belong - I'll go next year,
So instead I got out of my girl clothes and went
in drab to the mall.  I bought 3 pairs of pump
and a pretty cute pair of black boots,
Then I headed home, and I'm just going to
relax a bit.
I started Saturday in,  boy mode and went and bought a couple gowns
for about $60 each. They're gorgeous.  I tried on about 5 gowns
all told and bought two, but I'll use them on Wednesday in the amateur
drag contest. That'll be a big step up.  It was OK taking the gowns to
the dressing room because everyone helping me was very professional
and pleasant to me.

I played a little bit of harp in the morning, then got dressed up and went
to a trans/cross dressing pot luck which was fun, then went over to my
church for a screening of Genderf*kation and a panel discussion afterwards.
I enjoyed the movie, and got to meet some of the girls who were in it
afterwards so that was a lot of fun.  I also got to arrange with a gay guy 
who's a friend (he's a very nice guy) to shave my back so that I can actually
wear my new gowns on Wednesday (I am not a hairy guy, but any hair
on a girls back is gross, and I want to look nice in my full length gowns)
Then I changed out of my slacks and blouse into my black dress with
the gold trim and went back to the townhouse bar and listened to
Lori and sat in with her on a couple Blues songs on my harmonica, which
is a lot of fun, I hung out then in the main bar and talked to a couple girls
about wigs and going out in public and stuff for a while, it was fun
it got to be fairly late, I'd been dressed up and doing stuff for about 10 hours
so I was ready to call it a night, so I did. 
It was a fun night.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

I put in another 12 hour day, so I had to cancel my therapy session
which is pretty frustrating considering I went to work at 7am and my
session was at 7pm - I'm totally getting effed over at work these days,
but realistically when guys figure out that you aren't very masculine this
is the way you get treated and it happens time after time - it's a natural
instinct or something - nobody says anything, they probably aren't even
aware they're doing it, it's just men get treated one way and I get treated
another way, I was really frustrated and totally exhausted Friday.
So I cancelled the therapy session over the phone when I figured out I couldn't
make it in time -I wanted to go in drag again so I need an hour so I had to be
done by 6. I use a company car so I need a minimum of a half hour just to
drive over in boy mode.  But as it happned I finished my last job and was
passing the office a few minutes before seven on the way to drop off the
car, so I called and said I could make the session.  The receptionist was
supposed to call me back, and I pulled into the lot and waited and fell asleep
I took a 20 minute nap and it was  10 minues after 7pm so she never called back, or
I was asleep when she did - so I started driving back again.  So that's how
my big announcement that I want to start gender therapy and try to get on
hormones and deal with all these gender issues I have and all this that was
supposed to be discussed face to face in a session with me all dressed up and
looking pretty, and all that special moment stuff right down the drain
I called and talked to my therapist over the phone and told her I wanted to
do this and we'll schedule another session after Thanksgiving to talk about it
some more - blehh, I really didn't want to do this over the phone but I didn't
want to wait two weeks either, so bleh, it sucks, but it had to be done
this way.

Anyways I got my new coat and my new wig by mail when I did get home
and so I took some picture this morning.  I went out but as you can guess,
I was really, really tired so I don't think it really counts other than I did
put on a pretty dress and go out, but I just wasn't in sync.

Friday, November 18, 2011

a quick update
Tuesday - electrolysis session #1
summary - ouch, ouch, ouch 
I went for an hour 5pm and because I had a long
day at work I still had a job to finish afterwards so
I didn't get home until about 9pm and went to bed

Wednesday - drag contest #2
summary - blow girl, blow!
I had to work a really long 12 hour day,
so I missed the trans support group - I was
still working when it finished. I changed into
my girly stuff in a park parking lot then drove
to the church did my volunteer thing then went
into their bathroom and put on my makeup
and went to the Gasy90's -of course here I found
out that I could have showed up in boy clothes and
put everything on here in the dressing room -I really
am very new to this - so I did figure out that the other
girls show up and leave as boys - but I still want to
show up and leave in drag (unless I'm really pressed
for time and have no choice).  The crowd was kind
of cool to my harmonica playing, but the guest hostess
really liked it, and afterwards we talked and it was a
very pleasent chat - she really was quite nice, talking
music and dresses and cross dressing and things like
that is for me just a whole lot of fun to talk about
(and she's very pretty of course) so that was fun
the dance portion of the competion - well I haven't
learned to dance in a week - but I loosened up a little
and had fun with it and did my best - and laughed a bit
and had fun with it "get you sexy on" was the song.
I wore my black dress with the gold trim and that's
a really pretty dress, and the sandals that my friend
gave me, so that made me feel a little girlier too.
I didn't win of course, but I had a lot of fun, next
week I'll bring the tin whistle I think

Thursday -playing the Blues in Boy mode
played an hour in a St Paul bar with a group
I practice with -it went well - I was really tired
so I took a quick nap before showing up, then
I took a nap in the green room when I got there,
but the set went well after the show I drove
over to the Townhouse, but in boy mode, I wasn't
very comfortable so I drank a beer, watched the end
of the drag show and called it a night.

Whew, all caught up -therapy session tonight -
I'll show up in drag and ask about getting into
a program to start taking hormones then I'll
go out dressed up afterwards hopefully I don't
have to work this saturday,

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

So it's my birthday today, and I decided to give
my self some electrolysis after work - so it'll
be the first session. I haven't shaved since Sunday
morning, so my face feels like sandpaper, but I'm
hoping it's grown long enough to work in the better
part of three days.  Otherwise long day at work
(12 hrs) straight to band practice for a few hours,
straight home, straight to bed, so hopefully I'm done
in 8 to 10 hours today otherwise I'll just driving over
there when the appointment time comes then going
back to work afterwards which will make for a late
night and a long day - I'm at that point in the employment
cycle where the employer keeps telling you one more day
then it'll go back to normal, one more day....
I know what's happening, but I'm learning that as a trans
person, even in boy mode, you really just have to manage
your stress and your exhaustion and frustrations and smile
and get through stuff - it is what it is - there's three choices-
going back to being a boy full-time (and literally I can't imagine
that -it'd be like a living death) killing yourself (which let's be
honest is always going to be out there as the third choice -it
sucks but it's true) and trying to find some way to make this whole
trans thing work and so I'm trying to make it work and find what
ever happiness I can like this - So, Happy Birthday Stacy!

(I'm really not unhappy, so far the trans thing has been wonderful,
but it is really scary trying to see what my future is like this -I can't
imagine, so you close your eyes and drive down the street the wrong
way and hope for the best)

Monday, November 14, 2011

I had a really nice day.  I joined my church and today was the day I got
up before everyone and made it official.  It's a gay church, and for me
coming out as both gay and trans was really important - it just doesn't
make any sense to come out as gay and try to hide still that I'm trans,
so I was pretty happy and very comfortble about joining the church,
and it was the thrd week I've come to the service dressed up so it
was not a big deal but it was -for me acknowlidging that I really am
trans and that this is the way I need to be living and is what God wants
me to do and what I have to do to be happy and find fullfilment in life
has really been a struggle - so joining the church as a trans person
really was a big deal, and being accepted as such really is important,
but the actual moment was sastisfying and I was kind of proud but
it wasn't a big deal -it seemed like it was a natural thing for me to do,
so yeh, I think I'm starting to genuinelly accept myself.

I was going to wear my black dress with the gold trim, but I went
shopping at Walmart (dressed up of course) and bought a pair
of black pants size 18, and a couple blouses and ended up
wearing them instead - the pants fit OK but I needed a belt
still to wear them so I'm going to buy the size 16's this week
and I'm really sure they'll fit better - so I started out thinking
I was a size 20 and I really am a size 16 - my body image is
a disaster because size 16 is really not big for a woman my age,
and there is nothing I can do about age. Top side I'm size
16, but if it has narrow sleeves I need to go to size 18 or
pick a different outfit - my forearms are bigger than a girl
my size will have, and a womans size 12w is a classic
tranny give away big hands, big feet) but if I can get
to the point where maybe I'm recognizable as genetically
a man but truly wants to be accepted as a woman, and
will present and act according to those rules most
people will accept me on thise terms and that
would be wonderful, then if I could just find a boy friend...

but anyways so I actually wore pants, but they were misses
pants and a blouse and it was obvious that I was presenting
myself as a woman, but I didn't actually wear a dress, but
I looked pretty.

So I went downstairs for coffee after the service and got invinted
to a meal at a trans woman's home and of course I accepted
and gave a lift to one of the other guests and drove over to her
home and spent several hours there and had a truly delicious
meal but it was home cooking which meant we sat there for
quite a while, her guests talking, everyone smelling the food
as it cooked, seeing pictures of her friends and family and
a recent trip, me having little conversations here and there,
and she had a pair of new size 12 sandals, that she gave to
me and of course I'm so new to finding shoes that fit I put
them on and wore them around for the rest of the afternoon
they are really cute, and I really like looking down and seeing a
cute pair of womans shoes on my feet - it's one of those
aesthethic things - I look down at the shoes and the stockings
and it looks pretty, and its like as a guy I never ever got to wear
things like this and it really brings me an enjoyment -it's not in
any way a sexual enjoyment, I'm wearing a tight enough girdle
thst getting as hard on would be pretty uncomfortable -
but it is possible to really enjoy things and find pleasure in
how you look and how people look at you with out it
being a masculine sexual thing - that's a really superficial,
thing the whole boy thing, and this seems more part of
the whole entirety of who I am as a person - and just
sitting around someones home, dressed up and being
accepted as one of the guests waiting for a home cooked
meal, occasionally glancing down at my new sandals,
and just sitting around listening and talking a little was really
a whole lot of fun.

So I went home and was pretty much exhausted so I went to bed
early. Monday I'm in boy mode and I don't shave and Tuesday
I don't shave and I'm in boy mode again but I'm starting electrolysis,
so I'm not sure that really counts as being in boy mode.
Wednesday is the trans support group and if I can find a good backing track
for me to play harmonica on , I'll give the amatuer drag contest another try
I won't win but I don't care if I can find a good song to show off my
musical abilities.
Thursday I'm playing out as a boy musician
Friday is therapy and I want to discuss going into Gender Therapy
again ( which is scary after the last time, but
my last therapist truly was a horses ass, and this time around
it's a lot more obvious what the situation is) then I'll go out in drag,
Saturday is a cross-dresser potluck then over to a
screening of genderf*kation and a trans panel discussion
at the MCC church 3100 Park Ave)
Sunday is church service then the day of remembrance
service (if I go) at the Spirit of the Lakes church and I
don't have that adress handy, but I've only been trans
for a month, so I'm 100% sure I really feel I "fit in"
as a trans person at this event, but as a supporter
of what it stands for, I mean seriously I'm 100%
in support of the girls and there right to live as they
need to and the total immorallity and horror that people
get killed because they have to try and live in
a non conforming gender rule - I'm completely
in support of this, but I think presenting myself
as a trans person at this event, I'd be a bit of
a poser, so I'll probably go in boy mode
just because while I'm trans I'm not trans like they
are - living it day in, day out for years and really
facing some of those dangers and all -so I'd
like to go in drag of course, but I'll probably
go as a guy, but maybe I'll go in drag, I don't
know yet. 

anyways busy week ahead.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

So another picture from the other day. I don't do sexy very well, but then I'm
a middle aged man who's been dressing up and going out for exactly one month,
so i'm doing OK.  Last night was the monthly cross dressing meeting, and of course
a month ago was the first time I went out in public, since then I've been out three
or four nights a week, and I just love it.

So just a quick post - today is Sunday, I'm going to church dressed up, then
I'm going out and doing some shopping.  I  may go in a Perkins alone and order
a meal.

Last night was really good - I did my volunteer church thing wearing my dress,
and since I had to let myself in, I was the only  one in the church, so when I was
closing up, and checking stuff, I passed the alter and I decided I'd actually literally
get down on my knees and pray.  So I did, just the Lord's Prayer and a guick
asking for help then I locked up and headed over to the cross dresser club
meeting.  The meeting was well attended and there was a girl there out in public
for the first time, so other people are doing this too, and yeah! it's so much better
than trying to hide who you are, seriously.

After the meeting I hung around and played a couple songs in the piano lounge
I love doing this and want to make it a weekly thing - everyone was really
complimentary about my playing and another girl took some pictures, the dress
is pretty, but I adopt boy poses when I'm playing - just all the time on stage
it's hard to just wipe that away -next time I'll sit down and cross my legs,
and look a lot girlier, but I played really good and it was wonderful -it's
so much fun and I really look forward to dressing up and playing my harp,
seriously it's wonderful,
I had a really nice conversation with a couple of "butch Bisexual/Lesbians"
(which is probably an inappropriate description, if it is I apologize)
but they were nice and really enjoyed my harp playing and so we talked
awhile and it was fun.
so the night was spent around people talking and good music and
generally very enjoyable.

anyways it was getting on towards 11:30 but I was tired from a long week
and staying out late last night so I went home, and fell asleep about 5 minutes
after I got in the door. 

Saturday, November 12, 2011

so thats what I look like after a few beers in a dark bar - sigh,
actually I tried taking a few pictures this morning but the makeup
I put on last night was pretty much gone, and I really, really need makeup
when I taske photos - so this one was out of focus and it's the best
looking one - realistically I'm going to need hormones. makeup and a lot
of work if I have any hope of passing, but it's not hopeless

So I went to th eGay90's drag show in drag of course, and pulling in the ramp
the guy there was kind of all smiles and stuff and nice to me, so that was a good
start , but then I'm getting off the elevator, and I makeup eye contact with one
girl in a group of girls and guys and she says hi and I say hi and her broyfriend
syas "what the fuck is that" referring to me in a dress which kind of sucked,
and I'm walking away and she yells out "have a good night, Sir!" so I'm off
to a "great start"  but I walk down the street to the bar, no problem and I'm prett
comfortable with that walk now. go in the bar, check my very girly purple
leather coat and head upstairs and I bump into a fellow contestant from the
drag show on wednesday (she is the server there in boy mode) so we talk a litlle
and joke about my performance,and harmonica playing and stuff and it's fun.
Then I sit down and watch the drag show for about an hour and a half, and
the girls are really pretty and I'm more appreciative of how tough the performing
is, after my performance the other night, so I'm enjoying it but I'm really tired too,
and finally I decide to leave, and as I get my coat I pump into another girl from
the trans group I go to -so we talked and I met her trans boyfriend and then
we said goodnight and Iget my coat and walk out and some guy comes up
and wants to talk to me.  So I tell him I'm going to my car in the parking garage,
but he's insistant (but not pushy, it was mostly nice), so I let him walk with me
back to the garage, and it does feel reassuring walking along at night with a man
at your side (when you're all dressed up you're a bit more vulnerable, that you'd
realize if you've never done it).  So we ride up the elevator and we're talking
and stuff and get back to the truck and I tell him I'm heading home and all,
but I did relent a bit and let him hug me and kiss me on the cheek, so he kissed
me on the cheek a couple times, and on the neck and then he kissed the
exposed part of my cleavage (nothing inappropriate, but his head was kind of
buried in my chest), and I said goodbye and got in the truck - I was telling him
I'm really new to this cross dressing and I'm a very confused person and all this
stuff, so I wasn't leading him on, and he was nice about it but it wasn't very

I drove over to St Paul bar then had a beer and ordered a meal because I was
hungry, but other than exchange smiles and pleasentries with a couple girls it
wasn't my night, so I headed home.  I'm going out tonight so I'm doing this
post on the fly - I have to get some shoes and do some boy music stuff,
get back home for some chores, go out wig shopping, then get ready and
go out tonight - this leading a double life is tiring