Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Well that went over like a lead balloon. My last post was
the most unpopular post I've ever done in terms of
total lack of viewers! Yeah! I thought the pictures
of my dog when she was a puppy were super cute - sigh.

The caption was for Caitlyn-Masked at Rachel's Haven
Caitlyn has a really interesting blog (not like my
sucky blog) -

Girly wise, I'm starting to grow my fingernails (I chew
them terribly) but I've let them grow for about two weeks
now - and I'm going to go ahead and trim them rounded.
I've started shaving stuff off -but haven't done the "chest"
or legs yet - the legs are like who cares, I don't have a
lot of hair anyways, but the chest -I always am uncomfortable
taking my shirt off in public to begin with and if it's all
shaved that might make things even more uncomfortable, but
how often do you really need to take your shirt off? and
it would feel a lot smoother up there so, anyways I'll
probably go ahead and pretty much shave the "chest" too.
I'm trying to figure out exactly how to go about plucking
my eyebrows to get a nice arch - I mean roughly I know
what to do, but I don't want to screw it up and end up
looking too weird, so I'm looking into it, but haven't
done anything yet.

I've got four dollars and change in my bank account and
two dollars in actual change and the fuel lights on in
my truck - but tommorrow's payday, and luckily I don't
have to drive far to either school in the morning or
work at night - but it is hilarious that the effing
government is garnishing my wages from a minumum wage
part time job - there is absolutely no sense of
shame from those folks - I know I won't be putting
out fires when they start... that's a reference
to one of Frank Zappa's best songs

"Trouble Every Day" -excerpt from the end

Well we got to sit around at home
and watch this thing begin
but I bet there won't be many here
who'll see it really end
because a fire in the street
aint like a fire in the hearth
and in the eyes of all these people
don't you know that this could start
in any street, in any town, in any state,
if any clown decides
that now's the time to fight
for some idea he thinks is right
and if a million more agree
there aint no Great Society
as it applies to you and me
our country isn't free
and the law refuse to see
if all you can ever be
is just some lousy janitor
unless your uncle owns the store
you know that five in every four
don't amount to nothing more
'cept to watch rats crawl 'cross the floor
and make up songs about being poor
play your harmonica boy....

I never understood why the elites are funding
this revolution, other than the short term
weakening of the democracy and reducing it to an
amoral legalistic morass. You'd think they'd support
the country that let them get filthy rich, not tear
it down, but I suppose you'd see it differently
if you were filthy rich (I'm not, obviously)
Anyways as Bob Dylan said, its a hard rain a gonna

So payday tommorrow, school, work,
Fri Job Interview! then work,
Saturday - jamming and then the Circus!
(going by myself, sigh, you guys blew it)
Sunday church and then jamming

so it's not a very "gay" schedule, so
I don't think I'm going to get laid
anytime soon. I've said it before
and I'll say it again:
"I suck at being Gay."
oh well, what the Hell.

another rerun:

and the morning voice practice:

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

After a couple weeks - all you see from
are Gay guys who don't want to be recognized -
no pictures,and not very sexy - I mean if
I'm the manly one in the relationship, we're
in a whole bunch of trouble -so I gave it
a shot it didn't work out -honestly if you're
gay save you're money - unless you're looking
for guys to blackmail -then it could give you
some leads.

Of course if you were in the Twin Cities and had
any sense, you'd go look up FunnyCatfish, look at
all my pictures and ask me out on a date (wink).

I was a bit premature on the depression thing,
but I'm working through it - I've got an interview
coming up and that would really lift my spirits
and there's a circus this weekend and that always
is a good time, so I'm taking it easy and just doing
daily things I need to do and getting through this

That's kind of the key -when things are bad,
don't make them worse. Also a dog is good to
have around at times like this, even if she
can be a little monster:

a couple times now over the last week I've glanced at myself
in the mirror and thought I kind of looked OK, maybe even a
little nice. Considereing that I've been dieting and excercising
since July to lose 50 pounds, and plan on keeping on until I
lose a 100 pounds -it's nice that for the first time I start
feeling that I look "nice" [obviously as I man, losing 50 pounds
and being in shape I would look fine in that way -I'm not
talking about looking OK as a guy, I'm talking about
looking "nice" -you know looking in the mirror and seeing
me sort of the way I expect me to look -if that makes sense,
but then I always make the mistake of looking again, too long,
too closely, and it's like ugh -still it's nice while it lasts.
the morning vocal practice:

Sunday, March 27, 2011

I've decided to stop calling my church the "gay church" because
of the very high percentage of LGBT people attending services.  I've come
to realize that if that's the criteria, there's a local church I'd have to
refer to as the "asshole church" by similar reasoning, and that wouldn't be
very Christian of me, would it?  So from now on, it's just my church, or
the church I attend (I haven't formally joined).

So at my church today, the service was from Exodus, and of course for me,
and most people in the audience, the story of Moses leading his people from
Egypt through the Wilderness has a very strong resonance. 

A little aside -the writers name I've chosen for myself (Stacy Wilderness) is a
personal acknowledgement of how important this story is to me - I think of it
every time I write my name (not Stacy silly, that's just some girly name).

The Pastor mentioned that the word being translated as "wilderness" also
meant "inhospitable place" and he talked about how we in our lives leave
"Egypt" and  go through the "wilderness" and this makes sense to me.
I understand.

I understand - Egypt is not in Africa, slavery is real, the wilderness
is real, and this is a real church speaking to me, that's why I'm going OK 
(Oh I'll admit it -it is an interesting place, too)

What you want a caption that has something to do with the text?
OK, how about this:

Thursday, March 24, 2011

So yeh, I'm getting out of the whole depression, hopelessness cycle I've been in.
Spring is coming, I'm graduating again in a little over a month, so I'm looking
for a job now - and still doing well in school.  One thing that is helping
me is going to church -like I said, I'm going to one of the Gayest
churches around (it is literally a church for LGBT and A
people) but it's a good church - as a musician, I
wish the music was a little bit more polished,
but then I've played festivals and made
Music a huge part of my life and
it is asking a lot to expect
the same from anyone
except for

I think I've pretty much recovered from Gender Therapy, and I'm starting to
realize that maybe I was being a little bit unfair in my assessment of
Gender Therapy and my Gender Therapist - maybe, maybe not
I honestly don't know - she was certainly the wrong therapist for me,
and that was one of the reasons for the anxiety attacks I was having.

 So I took the SAGE test on-line before and
after Gender Therapy and this is pretty funny
I only went to 4 sessions, was diagnosed as
a cross-dresser, and am actually living and
functioning full-time as a man so this is
what Gender Therapy can do for you:

Before 4 sessions of Gender Therapy

After 4 sessions of Gender Therapy
(in which both I and the Gender Therapist
agree I am feeling and acting pretty masculine
and am obviously not really a candidate for SRS:)

                                              I do think it's funny that the score gets worse the
more I think I am acting in a natural and masculine
way, oh well, as long as I ignore silly on-line
tests, I'm actually doing OK now

PS - I decided not to write an objection to
the Deptartment of Education - I'm going to let
them garnish my wages - at $18.00/week from
my minimum wage -part-time job.
I'll leave it in the hands of God to judge
sometimes that all you can do.

On, a guy sent me a wink, he seemed nice,
so I emailed him and said I was going to the circus
next weekend,
all by myself,
well, we'll see

I'm thinking of going out tonight after work to the Drag show at the Gay 90's
but money's really tight right now, and I'm working Saturday night too
(yeh, I really need the money) so I might go, I might not.

UPDATE:: so I did go straight from work ( I work at one of those
office supply stores, I'll just call "Office Store" -there are like
three or four similar sounding companies, so I'm not
identifying which one, anyways I get there and sit at a table
by myself, drinking a beer, and the Hostess is working the
crowd, joking with the ladies who are getting married, flirting
with the cute guys, making up jokes as she goes
along, and it's all pretty funny, and the spotlight is following her
as she works the crowd, and for some reason, tonight she stops
at my table, and goes "Hi! How are you doing" "I'm fine.... [a little
idle banter], then....she asks "What Does the shirt say (looks at
shirt) Oh! Office Store! Thanks for dressing up! [crowd laughs,
I laugh, even though I'm embarrasssed, she moves along to
a group of girls, one of whom is getting married,
and I'm blushing in the shadows,
but honestly, I'm flattered (and embarrassed) -it's all in fun

[but yes, you can be sure next time I will be sure to bring a shirt
to change into]

and another rerun:

and of course the morning update - vocal practice:

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Girls night at the circus anyone?  Yeah! the Shrine Circus is playing at the
MN State Fair grounds in two weeks here (last weekend in March).
TJ Howell is amazing on the unicycle, and a very good juggler and he's 
performing again.  There will be lions, elephants, pretty girls, everything,
so I'm looking forward to that. Yes, the "girls night at the circus" cap is
a rerun - I still like it.  I actually did perform several times in an amateur
circus in front of about 900 or so people. I'm pretty good at fire juggling
and stilt walking and was working on unicycle and tightwire, so I totally
love a circus. I go to Circus World a couple times a year in Baraboo, WI
and it's like a shrine to me - I mean I really like the circus.  But, alas, I'll
be going by myself, sigh (hint -you might get lucky, wink, wink)
I'm kidding of course, I mean I'd never promise anything.

I've got a new poll and no one is participating in, but I think it's pretty funny,
the Do you think this blog sucks? poll - feel free to be the first to vote.

I'm revising my resume, and I may have a lead on an interview for a really
good position in the Twin Cities area - it would start right away, and it
would change everything - well OK not everything, but a lot of things in
an extremely positive way, so cross your fingers.

The drag fashion show was a lot of fun, but I don't think I'll mention my
hobbies on my resume - I work hard, I make people money, and in my free
time I just want to participate in "Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness"-
I mean let's be honest - Tranny's and Sissies are the true patriots - living
and dying for the right to be yourself and live the American Dream.


and the morning update on my vocal practice:

so like no one reads this?

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Spring is here!  Maybe that's why I've been feeling so weird lately? I doubt it too.
It was a real gentle rain walking the dog this morning, grey, misty, moody.
You Betcha, I love it like that.  Went to church, going out jamming in a couple hours.
made a couple captions - I'm just resting up for tomorrow when classes start
again - I'm on the home stretch now - 6 weeks and I'm done so:
I think I can, I think I can, I think I can......
say a prayer for me, and I'll say a prayer for you, OK?

a couple rerun captions:


and a monday morning update - a couple vocal samples
the first is just practice reapeating a phrase over and over
the second is an a capella version of "Summertime"
well I could say let me know what you think,
but we both know that's silly, so Bye...

sample of beginning voice practice:

singing a capella in a much lower range (midway between my male singing voice
 (which would be in a D) and the almost octave higher C or A target for the
speaking female voice) - it's more Androgynous then Female to my ear
(sort of like Bob Dylan in drag, heh, heh)

Saturday, March 19, 2011

So this is what passes for culture among you people?  (Say it with an accent).

I saw the HD broadcast of Lucia Di Lammermoor this morning, it's really
good.  Here's the link if you'd like to see a live opera at a movie
theater near you:
Natalie Dessay had the lead role was very pretty and superb.  Normally I really don't
get that caught up in the guy roles, but Joseph Calleja as Edgardo was super sexy,
and really superb in the role.  Next Opera April 9 "Le Comte Ory" features some
not very good cross dressing as the lead actor impersonates a nun

Tonight I'm going to a Drag Fashion show, tommorrow I'm going to church again (yeh,
the LGBT church again, I don't know - it seems like a nice church) then I have to
write a response to the Department of Education.  Mr Williams, the SOB at
NCO, filed the papers to garnish my wages.  I'm going to ask for a hearing based
on the hardship it causes (at $120/week, I am living well below the poverty line),
and also challenge the validity of the debt, since Great Lakes Higher Education
Guaranty Corporation did commit Fraud-last time I tried to get a hearing the
Dept of Education guy ignored all the evidence I presented, and denied a hearing.
This time I have the hardship issue - so they have to give me a hearing on that-there
is no way they can blow that off - once I got my foot in the door - I'm talking until
the cops come.   It's not a real court -it's pure 3rd world country kangaroo court.  
I'm really fed up with these people and the injustice of it all
[to quote a Mel Brooks line their attitude is "Screw the Poor!']

Anyways, I had a few minutes to take the dog for a walk and I recorded this
song in my "pseudo-girly" voice - I was also going to record just me singing
a scale in my female voice, and that I'm actually doing pretty good (it was
too windy though) - right now, I can't talk or sing in a female voice - this is
strictly practice, but it's kind of funny, especially my dog barking, and you
get to hear my harmonica playing, and my beginning attempts at a female voice.
I also included a professionally recorded version of the song (I hired a local
musician) directly underneath this, and that song is worth listening to - it's pretty

like I said the second song was from my last play - If you want to listen to all the songs,
and read the script, I posted it online here:

PS -the opera caption is a rerun from way back.

This is a very strange blog, isn't it?

Friday, March 18, 2011

For some reason my blog isn't updating so I'm trying to correct that right now.
Anyways, caption wise, here's what you missed:

well hopefully this will work.  I updated the browser and things like that, so I'll see
what happens. I retook the Coggiati test, I don't know why I waste my time with
stuff like this, it's sillier than reading my horoscope (yeh, I do that too, sigh),
here's the result - but it's overstating things, not that there's some issues here,
but it should be more Androgyne, the Therapist was right about that much at least.

So don't take these things too seriously - Personally, I'm relooking at this  issue and
considering therapy as an Androgynous Gay man who's looking for helping coming
out and things like that.  That way I'd see a Regular Therapist, who has experience
with Gay (not Trans) people.  I could see that as being helpful, but Gender Therapy,
was just a waste of time and money, and it really was a very bad experience for me.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Spring Break

So I'm on Spring Break from classes this week, which explains how I'm able to
post as often as I have lately.  I've been catching up on some sleep and  pigging out,
eating five or six big meals a day.

Oddly enough, I only gained a couple pounds - it's really tough to gain or
lose weight right now at this excercise level (2 hrs per day, 1800 calories,
Aerobic exercise focusing on the legs so that I don't bulk up in the upper body)
but now I'm going back to one meal per day- which works well for me.

I really needed a break -I've been running on fumes lately.  I should be sending
out resumes, but instead I'm dinking around with captions, and taking my
dog for a walk, but when I'm walking I've been practicing my female voice,
which is coming along nicely -it's kind of fun really once you get used to the
general weirdness of it all, I like it actually - I can't go a full octave up from
middle C -so I can't use it as a singing voice (my voice breaks at A#), but
I'm using a tuner, so I'm getting pretty close to being in tune - I think a voice
that is in tune to concert pitch C would be pleasing to most peoples' ear.
anyways, enough shop talk (I uploaded a sample -but I'm not really far
enough along in the exercises to be doing conversation in a female voice,
so it's not very good)

I'm going to St Paul tommorrow for St Patrick's day - the Landmark Center
puts on a really good Irish music and Dance event. It's fun watching the girls
dancing in their outfits and showing off the various dancing schools, but they all,
to their skill level give their best effort and support each other
an all that, and it's just fun to watch.  The music is all Irish Trad, some of it will
be really good, some eh, whatever.  I work in the afternoon and I get paid then,
so yeah!, but yeh, enough said about that - my growing list of things not to talk
about. [Afternoon update - I didn't make it -there was a Natural Gas line explosion
that screwed up traffic pretty good]

Saturday I have a ticket to a Drag fashion show at Bryant Lake Bowl, so that
should be fun.  I might do the Met Opera Movie thing in the morning, but I
haven't heard from the people I go with if they're going, and I don't want
to go alone, so we'll see.  I'm kind of sick of going to fun places alone -it would
be so much moe fun to go with someone who's interested in me, sigh.
It's hard getting out with as little free time as I have, and money being as tight
as it is, but it's important to make the effort, and I am. is totally useless as a way for me to meet Gay guys, I mean nothing.
It was a complete waste of money, sigh.  Oh well,  it was worth a shot, I suppose
using the word "feminine" doesn't really help me much, but I mean they're going
to figure it out at some point. I really didn't dwell on it, just mentioned it in passing.
Regardless, like I said nothing -a complete waste.

I'm falling asleep, so I going to just finish up right here.

PS I've found a local (Twin Cities) therapy clinic that offers $50.00/session therapy for
 coming out and things like that - I might try that on a once per month basis -it's not
Gender Therapy. There's no blanking way I'm going near a GT again, but therapy about
coming out and some general issues about my weight/body image could be helpful.

PPS - got my paycheck, and no garnishment on this check, so see what happens in 2 weeks.
well hopefully reason prevails.

How the System Works

So my wages are being garnished, starting this paycheck - I'm not sure how much
they'll be taking out, but considering I'm working part-time nights at minimum-wage,
while going to school full-time, you really have to be a total asshole to try and make
me poorer.  But that is the American way, kick you when your down.

It's about a student loan that goes back several years - Great Lakes Higher Education
Guaranty had the loan and I was making payments, and then for some reason they
started asking for two payments a month instead of one. Apparantly someone there
took my promissary note, stuffed it in a Xerox machine and made it into two loans,
that I was supposed to pay on (it's a common practice with student loans - and
obviously, very profitable for the loan originator).

 I was living in St Louis at the time, and there was no way I could pay another $200
per month, so I called to explain this and they basically told me to fuck myself,
Ultimately, my finances collapsed, and I found a lawyer and filed bankruptcy. 
I was working at the time, so I was filing to make payments not to avoid debt,
but when my employer heard this they fired me. 
My lawyer figured out that there was money to be made by running up my debt,
so she made arrangements with Great Lakes Higher Education Guaranty Corp.
to take the original $10,000 loan, which they were trying to make into 2 loans,
each worth $10,000 and made arrangements that the would now file for over
$40,000 in debt, and then conned me into signing the papers without reading

OK it was stupid, but I show up at her office on time she says we have to get
these papers filed immediately, or I'll lose everything.  She then grabs the papers
and runs out to her car, and I'm trying to read these as I'm signing them in the
car on the way to a Fed Ex drop box.  I sign them, and she makes her bonus
from Great Lakes for screwing me over, because that is how the system works. 

Anyways, time goes by and I try to make arrangements to pay the initial student
loan, but I want Great Lakes to drop the second and third loans - they don't
have to deal with me, they know it - they tell me to go fuck myself, I contact
the Department of Education about this, documenting how I've been scammed,
they tell me to go fuck myself.

I mean let's be honest - the Department of Education is running the scam,
they don't care if the loan ever gets repaid -they know this kind of fraud is
occuring all the time. This is how the system works - the DOE collects
from companies like Great Lakes that it knows are using the documents
for fraudulent purposes, it knows that illegal collection methods are being
used, it knows this, and it encourages even more fraud and abuse - it's a
disgrace, but that is how the system works.

So my position with the DOE is take me to court then, because once they
used the promissory note for Fraud, it's not a legal document, and if they
are not going to pursue documented fraud (and they will not because the
fraud is profitable for the DOE, where as eliminating fraud costs the DOE
money), well they can go fuck themselves.

Naturally, the DOE gave my information to a company called NCO, who took
the loan and doubled it and then some and contacted me and told me to pay off.
This was impossible in my financial situation, and I still want the other claims
dropped, and I'm not paying until I have something in writing that that Great
Lakes and/or the DOE is dropping  these fraudulant claims.

Ultimately, when I found this part time job, they called me at work and I tried
to make some kind of arrangements to make payments, just so that I can keep
this job because I really need the money right now, but they knew they had me
over over a barrel so yeh, they told me that if I didn't pay them $200 a month
(which in my current situation is absurd) they were going to garnish my wages.
$200 a month is basically 50% of my take home pay, so there's no way to
make that work and they know that -but it is fun if you're that mentally
fucked up for work for NCO or the DOE.

So, yeh now my wages are going to be garnished, my employer is going
to treat me like a deadbeat and make life miserable, I can't break even on
what I'm making, so I'm going to try and make it through this month at least
before quitting,  but it's just not worth it, so I'll quit, get another job, some
guy at NCO will laugh about how he fucked me over good then track me
down again and repeat the cycle, because that is how the system works.
This is one Hell of a country isn't it?

Monday, March 14, 2011

Taking Communion at a LGBT Church

I'm back trading captions at Rachel's Haven, here's a couple of my first efforts.
I'm a little rusty, but it is fun, so why not - my therapist was down on internet stuff,
but then -well I'm just going to drop the whole Gender Therapy subject- what a joke -
 I'm going by the name Stacy Wilderness over at Rachel's this time around.

So I went to a predominately LGBT church on Sunday, and it was really interesting
(in a good way).  The service itself is pretty typical, but you look around and there
are a whole bunch of identifiable LGBT people in attendence.  That would include
some identifiable transgender people - that is something me and my therapist were
in total disagreement about -I think it's crucial if you go through all that -that in the
end you're able to pass as a women - I really wouldn't be comfortable living as
an identifiable transgender person, and if that meant losing 100 pounds or
whatever it took that's fine, but if I was identifiable transgender, there's no way
I'd go through with it, I'd just go out at night in drag -that's where the cross-dresser
diagnosis came from (not that I was cross dressing to obtain sexual arousal -which is
a cross dresser does, but that I was contemplating dressing as a woman and going out
publicly as a woman, either full time (if I could pass), or part-time in drag
(if I couldn't pass) -I still find the diagnosis bizarre -that and my therapist was
frustrated and wanted to call me a sissy, but couldn't -I know I said I'd drop the
Gender Therapy stuff - so that's the end of it, really).
so I am totally off topic now -Church - so yeh I actually made it to church, and I went
to an LGBT church this time, but I really thought it was a place were I sort of
fit in - I consider myself to be one of the least identifiable people there, but then
that's my opinion, and whether I'm identifiable or not is beside the point, because
I self-identify as LGBT, and this is a church that is accepting of me and my beliefs.

The Church practices an open communion  (open meaning anyone in attendance can
take communion).  At first I thought I'd just remain seated for this part of the service,
but I decided to participate - the service is based on an event at the Last Supper,
just before the death of Jesus, where Jesus gives his Apostles bread as His body
to eat, and wine (or unfermented  white juice of the grape -giggle -it is a LGBT service)
as His blood to drink  So this isn't something to take lightly, there is a lot of symbolism
in drinking Christ's blood.  But it seemed right at the time, and so I got up and took
communion.  I was glad I did - I think it gives me more of a connection to this church,
and I left feeling pretty good about the whole service, so yeh if you get a chance,
check it out. There are a few LGBT churches around, and I'm going to try and make
it a weekly thing - Sunday 10 am, I go to church.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Going to church again

The video is just a picture of a dragonfly that landed on my finger. I was on a riverboat
cruise on the St Croix river last fall, with my parents and my dog, and this dragonfly lands
on my finger - at first I was trying to get it off, because I was trying to take pictures, then
I realized that the picture I was trying to take really weren't very interesting,
compared to the dragonfly.
I've never had a Dragonfly land on my finger in my life, before that, or after that. 
I don't place any great significance in this - I was just looking through my photos, and I
saw that, and remembered how I was happy that day. It was a good day. 
Things are tough right now, but their will be other good days.
It's just a matter of Faith and Patience -I really suck at Faith, and I'm worse at
Patience, but that's what it going to take right now to move forward, and renew

I'm not going to this church in a couple hours just to meet Gay guys.  It is a predominately
LGBT  church in Minneapolis, and the plain and simple truth is that that is how I view
myself - despite my lifelong unsuccess with this - I can not walk in a church that hates me,
or wants to change me in a way I can't change, or accepts me as long as I keep quiet about
what I pray for.  So I'm trying this new church and hopefully I find Faith, and Happiness,
and Peace, and a place to pray for the people in Japan, and Libya, and even on the
street of America. A place where I feel my Faith takes shape as something real.
Now if I meet some nice guy, I'm not going to complain, but that's not why I'm going,

Saturday, March 5, 2011

I'm on strike!

I'm on strike! I'm watching a History Channel Ancient Astronauts marathon,
I'm drinking Carollans (the poor mans' Bailley's), I've just carved up one of
Jennifers pictures (hoping that she thinks it looks cool), and posted some
old drawings for no good reason other than I felt like it.  I played some
Blues this morning at a jam, I'm going to get drunk tonight, I'm going to go to Church
in the morning, and ask God to forgive me for getting drunk, and I'm pretty
sure He will - He knows I'm getting a raw deal-He knows I've got a right to be fed up.
Screw it -I'm not working out today, I'm not studying, I'm not doing
a damn thing, other then getting drunk, going to church and going out tommorrw
and playing the Blues some more. Fuck it! Fuck you! Fuck the World, I'm on strike!

PS - I'm on now (I signed up this morning) - man looking for man (sigh)
well hopefully I can get a date with a nice guy this way.

Sunday Update - I didn't make it to Church today - I had to take someone in my life
to the hospital (they're fine, got released, and I just got home again).  So I guess this
rant from yesterday all seems kind of silly right now.  I'm going to go work out a bit,
go jam tonight, school and work all week, and try to make it to Church again next
Sunday. I kind of doubt I'm going to burn in Hell for missing Church.   Anyways,
it's still a good thing to do when you can make it there,
especially with Easter coming up.

MyHeritage: Celebrity Morph - Family pictures - Free family tree template

Thursday, March 3, 2011

My Experience with Gender Therapy

Hi Jennifer,  Regarding your comments:

"I'm sorry you quit your therapy, Is this something you discussed with your therapist?
Did she agree that it wasn't a healthy thing for you right now?"

It was pretty obvious by the fourth session that she'd lost interest in these sessions
and was just continuing them because she made the mistake of taking me on as a
patient in the first place.  In her defense, she did take me on at an hourly rate that
was half or less of her normal rate  on the hope that I would turn out to be a
legitimate SRS and not just another sissy faggot - I was such a dissapointment

By the fourth session she made he diagnosis that I was a cross-dresser, and I told
her as soon as I heard this that I was not a cross-dresser, but that's her diagnosis. 
Of course in high school I was a classic textbook cross-dresser, but high school is
30 years ago, and sure I would get aroused wearing dresses, but back I'd get aroused
by practically anything. The point being that I had not worn a dress to obtain sexual
arousal in 15-20 years, and the minute I hear the cross-dresser diagnosis, in my mind
I had to question her compentence as a Gender Therapist.  It is a bizzarre diagnosis,
because really I'm like a recovered cross-dresser and she should study me because
there is a cure!

Again, in her defense, the only reason she took me on as a patient was
because she thought I might be a SRS candidate, and of course once she decided
this wasn't the case she was stuck with some loser who was paying her half  what
she was worth, and just wasn't very interesting and there wasn't anything she could
do to help me out -my life is pretty much fully fucked up these days, and short of
pumping me full of drugs and mutilating me, what else can a Gender Therapist do
to help out people like me?

After the third session, and after the fourth session I was getting hit with some pretty
significant anxiety attacks, I told her in the fourth session about the anxiety attack
I had after the third session, we talked about it bit to clarify the severity of the attack,
and then spent the rest of the session talking about some cross-dressing I did in High
School, then she diagnosed me as a cross-dresser, I told I wasn't a cross-dresser,
she disagreed with me, and then we scheduled the next session for a couple weeks
later, with her saying it wasn't important if I didn't make these sessions - so yeh
I'm cured.

I cancelled the sessions by email:
Subject: I'm going to cancel any more sessions

therapist name,
Thanks for your help and patience with me, but money really is extremely tight
right now, and your preliminary diagnosis as a cross dresser does clarify things,
sort  of (at least there's no more to it than that).  Honestly in my day-to-day life,
I can't think of any negative impact being a cross dresser has on my life (other
 than the obvious fact that it's been years since I've done any cross dressing,
but why not - I need a hobby).
Seriously though I really don't have any significant issues with self-identifying as a
cross-dresser, so that's good news, and it pretty much eliminates any need for
Gender Therapy, especially in light of what are extremely difficult times for me
financially. ............

and her response:

Thank you and all the best to you.

So yeh, it was kind a really bad choice to do this, and it has put me in a hole,
but I've been through tough times before, and in a way, maybe the other hard
times have been to prepare me for these times. I dont think all Therapy is bad,
but the specific field of Gender Therapy is a joke, and I would warn anyone
not to do this, unless all you want out of it is the letter to get pumped full of
drugs and mutilated -because that's all they have to offer -take it or leave it.
It sucks - but that's the truth.

Things aren't all that bad -it's just really frustrating right now.

This post is a year old - I am currently seeing a different gender therapist,
who is a psychologist and I find these sessions helpful and valuable,
I honestly question the competency of Willow Counseling in St Paul
and had an extremely bad experience there, but like I said a year later
I am seeing a therapist about my gender issues and a good therapist
is as helpful as a bad therapist is harmful.  

Like most reasonable and intelligent people who have even a  basic
knowledge of these issues, I do not feel "Transvestic Fetish" is a serious
diagnosis - it is rock solid proof  however that your therapist is a horses' ass

Note added 3/18/12

Anyways these are all done on computer ith some regular pictures of my guy-self
you upload t this site:  it's kind of fun if you're a cross-dresser
like me -ad it does help show what to avoid - I could show you some really hideous
makeup -sadly, these are best ones:

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The halfway point on my diet - what do you think?

These are three captions I did when I was trading captions at Rachels' Haven - it is
a very fun site, if you like stuff like that - I decided after a couple months to drop off
the site, but if you haven't figured out by now, I'm not like the average guy next
door.  It really is fun, I'm new to the internet and captioning and all
that and I didn't handle it right.  I'll probably rejoin at some point, and certainly
would recomend checking it out.

 the "Dont Bother to Knock" cap was made for me by Shy Steffie at Rachel's Haven, and
the quality and humor and everything is just amazing, so as you can imagine you receive a
caption like this from someone, and it is pretty exhilirating really (almost as good as some
roses from a cute guy). Captions at this level of quality are really rare of course - but it's
gorgeous (hopefully ShySteffie won't mind me posting it here -this is not my work - I can't
come close to this quality in photoshop)
just because I decided to drop out  of Rachels' Haven doesn't mean you shouldn't give it
a shot.  Anyways.

So I've lost about 50 pounds now -I'm halfway to my goal of 100 pounds, and this is
what I look like, just a stock photo - and then some makeup applied using the taaz
website ( ) -you just upload your photo and try different things
until you get a look you like.  So, what do you guys think?  There's a poll right below
here, let me know.