Monday, October 31, 2011

So I kissed a guy Saturday, joined my Gay church Sunday,
and went spent the whole day Sunday out in public and this
whole weekend was wonderful and just exhausting. 

So here we go.  I got a couple dresses a few days ago in
the mail and I jsut hated them, then I got my new coat and a
really femme looking belt in the mail Saturday. The coat is
leather, mid length, boyseberry (kind of purple) , size 18,
and it fits well - I got it for the shoulder size and might have
been able to go size 16, but the shoulder/biceps would have
been tight and it's a coat - I'm hoping to wear dresses that
are a little "flouncy" on top and I have to put the coat over it.
-it really adds to my confidence walking around in public
wearing a womans coat instead of an androgynous coat.
I tried on the new black dress with the gold trim, and partly
it was so baggy that  adding the belt really helped a lot and
I decided I liked it now, and so I went out in the black dress
and the 4" pumps, and for the first time I decided to go ahead
and wear a bra (44C) and stuff it.   It does add to one's curves,
even if they aren't my natural breasts. 

So I went out to a St Paul bar and the regular singer/piano player
was back. Locally she's well known and a superb musician.
Before her set I asked if I could get up and play a song with
her.  So when my time came I played on a couple songs,
and it's a blast - there's a big mirror behind me so a couple
times I glanced back, and thought I looked really pretty,
and she wants me to come back and jam with her again
and of course I will and totally look forward to that - I just
love getting dressed up and playing like that - but the actual
performance was good, but not as good as a couple weeks
ago, and so I'm listening to her style and trying to make some
adjustments to my approach, and she's going to come back with
some more "blues" blues songs that will fit my style and skills
better -so in a couple weeks (I can't go out next Sat -family stuff)
we should be able to play something that is really good and I'm
looking forward to that a lot.  After that I listened to her set
and was chatting with someone about shoes, then at the break
I went to the main part of the bar, watched the drag show for
a bit and decided to head over to the Gay90's, I stepped outside
and it was cold and I realized I'd forgotten my coat, so I went
back and got it and then drove over to Minneapolis.  I checked
my coat, and went up stairs to watch the drag show.  I hadn't
been there long at all when a guy sat at the next table and started
talking to me, and then moved over and sat with me, it was really
loud so there wasn't much conversation really but we tried to talk
a bit when he put his hand on mine, and that felt really nice, so
we held hands a bit and tried to tslk a bit, and he put his hand
on my knees and stuff and it was all kind of fun so he asked
if he could kiss me, and of course I said no we just met and
all that, but after a very short time, I thought why not, I mean
I haven't kissed a guy since coming out in January, and nobody's
been remotely interested in my, so why not -so we kissed
he was trying to move agressively, so it wasn't a romantic kiss
like I wanted, but it was a kiss -it counts. holding hands was
a lot more fun and we went back to that.  A little bit later he
asked to kiss me again and so why not.  So we held hands and
he carressed me a bit in appropriate ways, and it was really
pleasant but he was looking for someone to spend the night
with and that wasn't going to happen, so finally he moved on.
I bumped into him a couple times during the night and he
was obviously interested in me, but just as a one-night stand
and I'm not like that so anyways the nights going on I sit down
at a table alone and a guy comes over, and he seems pleasant
and I'm starting to feel a little tipsy so we're talking and
somehow it seems like a good idea that I get up and let him
have the one chair, and then I turn around - so that I'm standing
my back to him, he's got his hands around my waist, and he's
caraeesing my back and hips and pressing himself against me
a bit and stuff and it was all kind of really pleasant (OK I
was pretty drunk by this point, I'll admit it). Now it really
wasn't like as bad as it sounds, he wasn't grinding off me
or anything he just, well he had an erection and so he had
his hands on my hips and occoasionaly he'd press himself
against me a bit, -really it's not what it sounds like -it was
pretty harmelss, but we were in a crowded place and I
started becoming self-concious about, well about looking
like a slut basically, and I was the one in the 4" pumps,
I should be the one sitting.  So I sat down and he was
talking to me when a girl-girl in a cute bunny outfit walks
over he starts talking to her a little, goes back to talking
to me goes back to talking to her, keeps talking to her,
keeps talking to her, and I decide I need to use the restroom
(the boys room -yuck!) I bumped into him again later,
I was pleasant but just not interested by that point.
So I bumped into the other guy as I was preparing to leave
and again I was calling it a night. 

Sunday I went to church.  I needed some pantyhose
and I decided thatr I was going to go into the Wallamart
dressed up. So I put on a pair of boys pants over my girdle,
put on my boots, a nice blouse, and my new coat, got my
wig and stuff on and walked into the store and confidently
walked over to the section picked out a couple pairs
of panty hose ($4 each) and walked over to the self checkout
paid for them and walked out - no big deal! I was
really proud of myself for this and it was like momentous
to me and when I tried to tell this story to a couple
of girls neither seemed terribly interested - because it
really is no big deal -honestly - it just isn't
(I am so new to all this -but it just is a total non-event
you walk in, buy what you need, pay for it walk out -
actaully it's every bit as boring as if you're a guy
walking in buying soemthing). So I went to church
and the sermon was excellent, and going en femme
really maked the whole thing very inspiring and
very real somehow -it is a lot more religous and
inspirational and everything. I really look forward
to service these days.  After service I went to a membership
class and that was really good -sitting down in
a room talking to people getting comfortable with
presenting myself as a trans person in a normal
social setting is vital and joining the church is
important to me - and it gives me a reason to go
shopping for a gown ( I did say that it was important
to me to wear a dress when I got up - everybody
all ready knew this, but I just wanted to make sure,
because it is important to be accepted into the church
as a trans person). After that I did my volunteer maintenance
thing, went out and took a long walk, then changed into
my costume for a cross-dressers club dinner at a local
resteraunt.  There were several girls sitting around the table,
all in costume and it was fun sitting down for a meal like
that -this has all gotten so comfortable so fast that I'm
now remembering the meal and the consversations
more than the whole "dressing up and going out" thing
which is super fun - but it's no big deal now - but it is
really really nice to be able to meet up with people
you have things in common with when you go out -
I think I'm starting to really enjoy that part of being
a trans-person more than anything - just knowing that
I'm meeting with people that I have so much in common
with, and just that while it's not common being like this
there are a lot of people like me, and I'm really lucky
to be in an extremely tolerant city - Minneapolis is
just a wonderful place to come out as trans -it is literally
the best city in America for people like me I'm finding
out, and the whole thing's been kind of amazing so far.

Anyways 'll be a boy all day Halloween (Monday) I got stuff to do
and this is kind of funny -I'm returning my halloween costume
tonight (Halloween) - so yeh in the end I'm not even going to
wear a costume or dress up or anything on Halloween.
Well maybe next year.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

So that's my Halloween outfit -I picked it up from the costume shop last night,
and decided I just had to wear it out so I went to one bar and watched the
last few innings of the world series (yeah Cards!) then went over to another
bar that was more lively and had a halloween masquerade event -
I look really fat in some of the pictures, so I'm glad I didn't look at the pictures
before I went out, but even if I did - I mean the choice is go out and try
to have fun or stay at home and be lonely, so you're better off going out,
even if you look far from perfect - but I did feel like I was looking a
little pretty and a few girl-girls commented favorably on my costume.

I'm going to a Halloween costume dinner for the cross dressing club
on Sunday afternoon, and that's just at a regular restraunt, which
will be the first time I've gone to a regular commercial establishment
(as opposed to a gay bar) and entered it, so I wanted to be comfortable
wearing the outfit around, but it's nice, even if I do look a little fat.

I've got to remind myself that I've lost 50 pounds this year to get to this
point and graduated tech school and found a job and got over the major
obstacle of going out in public like this, and it's taken a huge effort on
my part and I should be proud of myself, but looking at some of the
photos all I can think is I look funny and pretty fat too.

On the plus side (no pun intended) this is still so new that I'm like
screw it, I'll still go out tonight and have fun, even if I do look fat.
and tommorow I'm going to church in a skirt and then going to my
Halloween dinner with the girls and this is still an amazing thing for
me to be doing.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

I'm going to stop counting how many times I've gone out in public
at this point - I don't really think I'm actually compelled to go out
every night or almost every night as a woman, but obviously I want
to go out if I can and I enjoy the sense of freedom and being alive,
and being a real live person with feelings and hopes and desires and
wanting to make friends and meet people and all that.
Obviously the plan to go out once a month in a dress isn't going
to work and going out to bars every night isn't remotely practical.
hopefully I can get comfortable with just going out to regular
stores like the grocery store or wal-mart -neither of which I've gone
in yet, or the local movie theater or the local suburban straight bars (not the
downtown gay bars) but I'm not there yet - I am comfortable with
getting gas at the pay at the pump, even if there are other people
at the other pumps, and I'm pretty much used to walking around
a street at night in heels and skirt, even if there are other people
So anyways monday was a boy day there was supposed to be some music
stuff I was doing but it got cancelled and nobody told me so I went anyways
then went home - I had the flu for a couple days so I was kind of tired and
edgy and wound up and stuff and didn't get a lot of sleep and I got up early
put on a skirt and walked around the suburbs for a bit tuesday morning.
I got done with work and went to the Post Office in boy mode to pick
up a couple dresses, but when I tried them on it was pretty disapointing
-I think they're both too big and  just don;t look very good on me, so
yuck - I'm going to send them back and try for a size smaller.  My therapist
told me I should get my eyebrows waxed, so I then got a haircut and after
the waxing.  The girl was teasing me a bit - partly because I act so manly man
but when she started asking if my wife want me to do this, I was happy to jokingly
talk a bit about being gay, I don't really like the idea of people thinking I'm a
straight married male, but I was very pleasent in correcting this notion and we were
having fun, a married girl next to me joined in because it was fun talking about
trying to get her husband to wax his eye brows and stuff - so you're going to get
teased a bit if you do this, but it's all good natured and fun actually - it cost $9.99
and it does make you look better, and you can say you want more of an arch and
thinner, but you don't want it to look too effeminate, and they will do a good job
of keeping it still manly enough that it's not embarrassing in boy mode.
anyways to celebrate this, I got dressed up and went to the 19 bar, spent a while
talking to a guy who wasn't all that interested in me, but it wasn't pleasnat talking to a
a guy for an hour or so, I parked on astreet that had good access, but I noticed there
was a girl in the car across the streetand I was getting out she drove the car down the
block and a guy got in the car and as I was walking back a similar thing happened,
so yeh I magaged to park on whore avenue and I felt kind of stupid realizing people
where probably watching me and thinking I was a whore - I mean its a parking space
near a bar - obviously I need to find a different place to park. I didn't want to go home
when I left the bar so I drove over to the Gay90's parked in the ramp across the street
and walked over - it was really boring there -there was a queen there but she gave me
a really mean look, and some other people who didn't seem too interesting -one nice
looking guy smiled at me when I went to use the bathroom, but, well I really hate
using the boys bathroom and I don't want to meet some guy in a bathroom, so
I smiled back at him, but then I ignored him and walked away.
I'm sitting at the bar, bored, all alon and some guy walks up to me and tells
me I drink beer like a guy -so I say yeh probably - but what an idiotic thing
to say, he just wanted to hurt my feelings but he wasn't any more manly than
me and he knew it - so he was just trying to be mean, but it does suck that
someone in a gay bar thinks -hey a queen, let's make fun of her.
Anyways it got to be a bit boring, so I went home.
Last night was the Trans Support group meeting - and the second time I've
gone to this - I think going to this group weekly is really important to me
right now because it lets me meet and talk and listen to other people
who've been doing this and living this and so it's important to go.
I got done late with wrk and really had to fly to get ready -I took a shower,
got dressed up put on my makeup and was back on the road in 25 minutes
which is a record - I didn't do my nails and they looked gross, and the
makeup was just foundation, lipstic, lip gloss, eye shadow (two colors)
and mascara, but considering I actually looked pretty good.
I was still 20 minutes late, but it's really important to go and start
making that connection and I did introduce myself and said I've
been dressing publicly for two weeks and want to start hormones,
aqnd talked a bit about the last two weeks so it was good to go,
even if I was late.  After the meeting I went over to the church
and did my volunteer maintenance thing, still in my skirt, then I
walked around the block because it was a nice night, then I went
to a nice mostly lit park near my home and walked a couple miles
in my boots and skirt and stuff - no other people were walking
around even though it was only about 9pm but a lot of cars passed
by so I was pretty safe walking aeound alone like that.
Hopefully I'm going out tonight to a trans/cross dressing "book club"
and Friday I pick up my halloween costume, so I might go ahead
and wear that at one of the gay bars that has a costume even that night

Sunday, October 23, 2011

I have no idea how to write this one

I rented my halloween costume yesterday,
it's Elizabethian, green and black with a green
hat -the fabrics are really pretty - a very shiny
green front and trim and it's tough to describe,
I'll take a picture, but the fabric is really pretty,
so I'm all set for a dinner out with the cross dressing
club, out in public, in costume, it'll be fun -it was
about $70.00 and I have the costume all weekend
so I'll go to the Gay90's costume party too probably,
I pick it up Friday, but I've all ready tried it on.

yesterday I went out the St Paul gay bar again and
like last weekend I sat in with Rachel, the singer for a song
on my harmonica.  It was a good blues song and a number
of people complimented me.  The crowd was pretty
obviously suprised - not really expecting the drag queen
to actually be really talented - but it's just so much
fun playing with her - she's got a wonderful voice, and
she's lovely and I looked forward to it all week, and
it was fun - I listened to their set for about an hour and
half or so, and they got off to a late start because of
the competion in the main bar so it was kind of late
when I left there and headed over to the Gay90's for
the drag show there.  Normally I catch the start of the show
and leave early, and this time I was catching the closing time
activities, which can be a little creepy (the Gay90's is not
really a gay bar despite the name it's a "downtown bar"
though, but gay people looking for a truly gay bar
would probably go down the street to another bar -
similarily the St Paul gay bar isn't entilrely a gay bar
either - I'm guessing that's probably pretty common for
places that are open to cross dressers (who typically
aren't gay) and admirers of cross dressers who are
probably almost always straight or bi, and
women on girls night out or barchorette parties who
are just about all straight, and very silly and just
want to see guys dressing up
anyways - it was a good night and I got home
about 3 am, and didn't bother taking my makeup
off or even taking off my skirt, -I was wiped out
and laid down and bam! it's morning.

Sunday morning and I'd previously decided I was
going to attend my church in a skirt. So I got all dolled
up again , and it was still early so I went to a park
near the church and walked around for an hour
or so, which should be no big deal and it wasn't
(but I was in a skirt and boots, and walked
past a number of people, who really didn't
seem to care a whole lot, even if there were
some smirks).  
then I went over to the church and it was still
early so did my volunteer maintenance thing,
and bumped into a couple people I recognized
so I said hi of course, and a trans lady I've met
once before let me sit with her,which was really
nice because as the service was getting ready
to start, it started to dawn on me just how
big a deal this was - not that I was going to back
out or anything I've known I would have to do this
at some point, and this was a good time, but
yeh, here I was going to church in a skirt, and
when the pastor talks about "what is God telling
you to do", every time he say's that, this is what
I think of, this is what God wants me to do-to face
this, so there I was in a skirt, in a church, feeling
a little funny about the whole thing now that I was
actually doing it for real.

but everyone was really nice and friendly, and the service
was amazing -the guest was Randy Roberts Potts,the
gay grandson of televangelist Oral Roberts,but he didn't
give the talk about Oral Roberts or anything like that
he talked about his own experiences growing up gay
and religious, and talked about being accepted and
really brought home how important gay churches
are, and for me,being in a skirt and all sitting next
to one of the few other trans people in a church
packed with gay people, it really did seem like this
type of thing is vital,so it was very inspiring,

I've been meeting a lot of trans people the last couple
weeks, but it is such a tiny part of even the LGBT
community , that to be accepted in a community
as trans,is very liberating. At the trans health conference
I attended a couple weeks ago, the estimate was
1 in 12000 males are trans, which is a minority even in
a room full of gay people.

So after a really excellent guest presentation, communion
was given, and this is the part I was nervous about -just
the ritual of it all and getting up in front of so many people
and standing there at the alter taking communion
recieving a blessing in a skirt, as a trans person,
there's really no way to hide it really  -you're not
taking communion in a skirt because you're a cross
dresser, or at least I wasn't and that's kind of
intimidating the first time.

So I got the blessing, and the deacon asked
to bless me (this woman) . Being accepted
and blessed as a woman felt a little odd and new
and funny, and I'm not sure I should have received
a blessing as a woman, but I am sort of, and have
allways been and she was accepting me in a way
as I feel God is accepting me as someone becoming
a woman -so it's not wrong, but it seemed odd, and new,
It was nice but it felt funny, kind of like saying my
name is Stacy, it takes a little getting used to...

After service I stayed around the church for quite
a while and ended up talking to a guy for awhile and
stuff, but finally I left and started home -got some gas
went thru the McDonalds drive thru then headed over
to "the Peace Garden" then walked around the lake
for an hour or so,.  ir was nice a few people looked
at me kind of funny and I tried to picture how silly
I must look, walking around like that,
but it was fun - then I went home and took off the
skirt and makeup and all and now I'm just
lounging around in my boy clothes ready
to start another week as a man.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

after 4 comes 5. Last night was my fifth time out - I started by going
to my therapist. I've told her that now that I have a job I really needed
to start cross dressing and going out and spending time as a woman, and
I'd also told her thatI'd gone out and sent her a photo, so it wasn't exactly
a suprise, but just showing up at the office in my skirt and brand new boots
and tunic was a lot of fun.  We did end up talking a bit about hormone
replacement and the the Uof M program and, honestly I think I'm going
to pursue this.  Anyways I was told I should wax my eyebrows, and that
even guys do this, and that I should shave my arm hair -so I'll shave the arms
before I go out again tonight.
I went over to the church to do my volunteer thing but Fridays they're often
closed and I didn't feel like using the key, so I walked around the block in
my new boots, which are super comfortable, but I'm not 100% graceful in
them, but compared to the 4" pumps, these are wonderful to walk in.
I decided to head on over to the St PAul gay bar, not realizing it was drag king
night there, but I stopped at the drive thru McDonalds for a big mac.  Nobody
said anything, but it's still not like actually going in and ordering -OK I'm
a chicken, but I'll do it pretty soon.  It's different being public in a gay bar
or out on the street and being public in a public place but I'll do it, very soon.
Anyways it was drag king night and bingo night - so yeh, had I known I wouldn't
have gone, but that's ok I hung out there had some beers, got comfortable,
met a man (FTM) who I'd seen wed at the trans meeting, so he introduced himself
and his girlfriend, and meeting people like myself socially pretty much made the evening.
I guy (FTM) performer was really handsome, and I guess because he had his shirt
off, and I was sitting around in a skirt with a few beers in me, I was actually getting
kind of hot for him, which is a first, but like I say I was feeling a buzz - I don't
think there was anything more to it than that. So I hung out for a few hours
and then decided to go catch a real drag show (MTF's - of course I'm sort of
kidding, actually I've never really seen a drag king show (I've seen performers of
course but not a whole show -it was interesting -I might go again sometime))
So then I headed over to Minneapolis and the Gay90's show, and I actually
had fun for a change. A couple women with their really gay friends sat at the next
table and ultimately at my table too,and we didn't talk much, but it did seem like they
were sort of including me, because there were other places they could have sat,
and that was nice of them.  It got pretty late, and I'd had a few beers and
I headed on home.  in the parking ramp, a couple were waiting for the elevator
so I rode up with them and the girl looked over at me and smiled and asked
if I had a good night, and I said I had and she asked if I'd been over to the ninety's
and I said I had then they got off at there floor.
so the Therapy session was at 6, I got home at 2 -that's
like 8 hours out in public, and it's fun, I really am enjoying going out like this

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

So today was my fourth time out in public.  I went to a meeting
of trans people, and was way over-dressed, but I like wearing
dresses and makeup and all that.  I showed up late because
I really had to scramble to get ready after work - I got my makeup
and outfit on in about 35-40 minutes, which is flying
Because I showed up a little late, I sat down and didn't really
get a chance to talk to anyone there, but it was interesting and
it gave me a chance to be out in public, and hear about other
peoples problems, and knowledge about trans issues. 
When the meeting ended, I drove over to my church, which
is really close, and couldn't resist the chance to show up and
do my volunteer maintenance thing in my 4" heels and my
new red leather pencil skirt, which I just picked up from
the Post Office this afternoon.
After I was done with that I decided to drive to a gay bar
and had a couple beers.  It seemed like a few of the guys
were noticing me, but nobody said hi or anything, and
I wasn't all that hot to meet a man, I just
didn't want to go back to being a boy, so I hung out for
about a half hour, then went back outside, walked
along the sreet back to the parking ramp, and
drove home, stopping for gas (still in drag) using
the pay at the pump, and finally drove home,
and "uglified"  -so I'm wearing a slip now, but I
took off all the maekup, and I'm going to bed now,

so take care,


Sunday, October 16, 2011

So last Saturday was my first time out in public, Friday was my second,
and last night was my third.  I think my initial idea of dressing up once
a month to go to the monthly cross dressing club meeting isn't going to work
(heheheheh!) That's OK a couple weekend nights should be pretty manageable.

Last night started with an event held at my "radically inclusive" church by some
folks associated with Tyson, which is a trans youth group, and they were fund
raising for CeCe McDonald - I found out about the event by accident, and
only because at the last moment they had to change venue, and as I was telling
on of the ladies in my church, for me it was an excuse to go out in a skirt,
have a Taco dinner and socialize.  Which I did, but so this is what I learned
about Chrishaun "CeCe" McDonald - she's a young African-American trans
person who was in a group of women and was attacked by a man and another
group of women after being verbally insulted.  In this fight CeCe was cut-up
pretty seriously by a woman wielding a broken bottle, and the man, Dean Schmitz
was fatally stabbed.  CeCe was charged with the murder, and was held in
solitary "for her own safety" - which is coded bureacratic talk - for saying America's
prison systems are so totally fucked up that the only way it can keep some of it's
prisoners alive is by subjecting them to conditions of "cruel and unusual punishment"
but I digress, CeCe was able to find a bondsman who knew she was a reliable person
who wouldn't flee, so she put up the 10% of a $75,000 bond and was out on bond,
and some people took up the cause to raise funds for her defense.  Not knowing
whether she is really innocent or not, I'm perfectly comfortable supporting her
getting a fair trial, but honestly - I don't think she'll get one, because she is an
African American trans person, and I think her incarcation, if that is the result
will be inhumane, so I pray I'm wrong.

Anyways, I enjoyed the dinner and talking to some of the girls who are very
young, and very self-assured and at that age I was a closeted train-wreck, so I
was kind of envious of the life they had before them compared to the life I've
lived, but eh what can you do..

I've volunteered at the church to perform a maintenance function that requires me
going to the church a couple times a week and so since I was all ready there, I went
down in the basement to do my thing, and trust me - there's a reason why maintenance
people don't wear black leather skirts and blouses and wigs and 4" heels when they're
doing there thing - I felt really, really silly, but it was kind of kinky somehow, but gosh,
how impractical. Then I went back to the event.

There was aome entertainment after dinner and I was chatting with one of the ladies
from my church a bit about a trans ministry the church was starting (suicide rates for
trans people remain extremely high, but people who can "face their demons" and
accept themselves seem to lead a life that is basically OK, I mean this lady seemed
comfortable in her own skin and bright and funny, so she got through it but you have to
have places where the kids can go when they need help and these places are really rare,
and having lived through some of this, I'm probably going to volunteer in some way for this,
as I start coming out about who I am -but I've been out publicly three times now, so
I'm not really an expert on being a trans person, by a long shot - I notice when I talk
to other people that I'm honestly unsure what kind of trans person I am, but obviously
I really am trans, saying I'm not trans is denying the obvious, and I'll never do
that again)

Anyways I decided to head on out and as I'm walking to my truck I'm thinking it's a lovely
night and I really don't want to go home just yet, so I start walking and take a walk around
the block, and I kind of enjoy the sense of freedom of just walking along in my skirt, and
looking down at my heels and all. It's really nice, even if my feet hurt by the time I got
back around to my truck.

And I still don't want to go home, so I decided to drive over to the St Paul Gay bar,
and I get there and park in the parking lot and walk in have a beer, etc. In the piano
lounge are a couple ladies (women not CD's) one on piano and one singing, the
lady vocalist had a wonderful voice, so eventually I asked to sit on a song,
we did "Stormy Monday", in the key of G, with me on harmonica, and I did
a really nice instrumental solo - I was glancing over at her, watching her smile in my solo,
and that's really fun when a talented singer is enjoying what you're playing.
So eventuially around midnight I went home so let's see from 6 to 12 -that's 6 hours,
that is my new record for the longest time I have been out in public in drag, and it
was fun.  I'm sure next weekend I'll be getting dressed up again, but Sunday I'll
be in boy mode today, which is OK too.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

I went out the second time now.  I went to the drag show at the Gay90's
and parked in the ramp across the street. Somehow I got turned around
and went out the wrong door from the ramp and wound up walking around
the block in my 4" heels with all sorts of people walking by and everything,
and I was a little terrified at first, but people just walked by and nobody
was really looking at me, they'd just pass by - maybe one person thought
I was kind of funny, but really most people just minded their business, and
I walked purposefully to Hennepin Ave, crossed the street and walked
down to the bar.  the show was OK, but I've seen it so many times now
that for me obviously the most interesting part was watching it dressed up.

I stayed about an hour, had a couple beers, walked around a bit in the
bar casually talked to a couple people briefly, but it just wasn't my night
for that and I'd done what I set out to do and had contemplated seriously
for about a year now -go to the Friday night Gay90's drag show in drag
(yeah!!).  So I walked back to the truck and the walk back was much shorter,
and again people passed me and a police car had pulled over some drunk,
and I got to walk right past this, but no big deal really, I took the elevator up
(because I had the elevator to myself -I took the stairs down because there
were several people in the elevator).  So boring right, but - I did it!

On the way home I stopped for gas, and used the credit card, but I was
still dressed up, so that's my first trip to SuperAmerica in a skirt, I suppose
technically you expect me to go in the store, huh, well I will, maybe next time.

This morning I called my church about a trans movie they're showing in November,
I wanted seats (for me and hopefully a date) and the Pastor answered the phone
and it turns out a Tyson fund raising event (for Trans youth) is being held tonight,
so guess what, I'm going out tonight too -very excititng - I think going out with
Trans people will be more fun than trying to connect with Gay people, but
meeting someone is really important, so I'll do both.  I'm kind of excited
about tonight, so I'm going to go online for my I ching reading
so here it is:

here was my I ching for last night:

and here was for my first time ( I wouldn't make this up - for something that important
I wouldn't have gone out until I got a favorable reading, of course I'd have gone out
I just would have waited for the right rating -I cast it twice, just to make sure)

 and when I got this reading Iwas fully confidant that I was going to have a wonderful
night, and I did! Supersttion, of course, Silly why yes, but then girls are supposed to
be a little bit silly

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

So I'm trying to get used to going out in public as a woman now.
Saturday was the first time and that was at a Crossdressing club
meeting held in a Gay bar, so that's a very safe place for the very
first time ever. But I got home and took a walk around a park
at night too.  Then I've been getting up a little early for work and
walking the dog in a skirt and heels and wig, and last night I again
when to  a park and walked about a mile in heels.  So the next step
is going out alone to a Gay bar this Friday (there's a drag show there)
and see if any guy wants to talk to me, but also just see how people
respond to me and how I look.  In the meantime I think I want
to go as a stewardess to the Halloween dinner, so I have to start
getting that together tonight (I'll order it all online again).

PS - I talked about the very first time I ever went out in public as a woman
and someone voted that the blog sucked!  I mean, come on boys that was a
very special moment for me, don't spoil it.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

I did it.  I went out in public in a skirt, and it was really, really nice.
I was a little nervous when I got the bar. Sitting in my truck thinking
it was time to get out and walk from the parking lot to the entrance
I definately felt some fear, but my 4" pumps are so tight, that really
I was thinking more about my feet as I walked to the entrance.

There were several people sitting outside, and I knew I was being
reviewed, but what I saw was guys looking and smiling, one
guy saying hi, and stuff, and I walk in the door.

So inside there's a guy at a table and a short line, so I thought there
was a cover, but it was some kind of drink deal - I didn't quite
get what the deal was, partly because I was nervous, and
he was giving a brief explanation sprinkled with dear's and darling's
and lady's and things like that and I felt a little silly, but honestly he was
just being nice and acknowledgeing that I'd obviously put in a lot
of time and effort tonight to get all dolled up and be able to present
myself as a woman.  Nobody's ever called me a lady and things
like that before, but he was being nice, and I really should have
expected it, going into a Gay bar.  I'm really sure I can get used to this,
if it ever happens again, but this time I felt a little silly, but I'm thinking
I'm in a skirt and wig and heels and makeup and everything, going
into a Gay bar and a guy is calling me a lady, well what else should he
be calling me? Seriously.  I was a little dazed actually, and still nervous
and getting my bearings -next time it happens I'll smile at him and thank
him for the compliment.  Anyways so I opened my purse and took out
some money and got a couple cups for drinks, then walked over to the
bar and got a Pepsi (no Coke, Pepsi at this bar), and took my drink and
walked into the piano lounge room.  There were enough people in the bar
that I could tell I ws being noticed.  But from what I saw, it was just a casual
glance over at me, a bit of a smile - I just got my heels a few days ago, and
while I have practiced, I'm not really walking like a girl yet -and I think the
hint of amusement I was noticing was about the 4" heels.  Certainly I was
very aware of my heels as I walked through the bar and into the piano lounge
where the meeting was being held.  There were about 7 or 8 girls there and
I sat down with them, which is really, really nice.  Here I am my first time
out in public and I'm sitting down with other girls like me, and just listening
and talking a bit (I decided not to try my girly voice yet, but I think I want
to use my female voice next time go out, which hopefully I can show enough
restraint to last a couple days until I need to go out again - it's funny, but
when I got home I really didn't want to take my skirt off, so I took the dog
and drove over to a park, and walked around and cars passed by and a
bike rider rode by, and a couple walked passed me, and nobody said anything
or really seemed to notice or care, and you have no idea how nice that is
That's all I want, really I don't care that I'm not thin and beautiful and all that,
but if people can just walk by and accept that this is who I want to be -
how wonderul! - I'm sorry back to my narrative,
so after I'd been there a few minutes, I asked one of the girls to take my
picture, so Yeah!!!! That is me first time out in public - you have no idea
what a milestone in my life this is - I 'm still getting a grasp of it, because
at the time it was all so natural, and it seemed like no big deal, no earth shaking,
monumental, life changing event -but it was, and I'm totally off topic on my
narrative now, so anyways we talked, actually I listened mostly, it was a lovely
evening, of course I'll do it again, and they're arranging a Haloween event at
a local resteraunt, and so I have to figure out my Halloween costume!
I am totally open for suggestions, leave a comment if you have a good idea
for a costume, because I garauntee you, I really had not been planning on
being invinted to a Halloween party where I could dress up as a girl and
wear a costume, and hang around and chat with people like me and
everything - Oh my, it just sounds fantastic, and I haven't worn a costume
on Haloween since I was 10 years old.

Anyways some pictures of me one at the bar the others afterwards when
I got home, sorry about the throne, but obviously I'm just using it as a chair.
I'll throw in a couple rerun captions too, for the people who just want to
read the captions and move on

So I did it! And I am so very glad that I did, and now it's no big deal and
one moves on to the next hurdle. I'll go to church as a boy in a couple hours,
but my church still welcomes me regardless of what I would wear - I wouldn't
go to a church that didn't feel that away about trans people and cross dressers.
Then I'll go out jamming dressed as a guy (note how now I have to say this because
dressing as a guy sand going out and dressing as a girl and going out are both
realistic options for me now - and that is so very, very, amazing), and then
I'll go to work dressed as a boy, and that is not a choice, I dress as a boy
for work. But I think of myself as blessed for having this job, and having
a job made going out tonight possible so things are good.

Take Care,


Friday, October 7, 2011

So tommorow's the big day - I'm going to a crossdressing club
meeting, wearing a skirt and all that.  First time in public.  I was
out walking the dog this evening, en femme, but that stuff doesn't
really count. But it is good to start getting more comfortable going
out of the house wearing the wig and makeup and all. 
A couple days ago I drove to local park to walk the dog at night,
and I was so nervous I waited till I got there to put on the skirt,
but as I walked around I got more comfortable, and decided that
I didn't want to change back into my boy clothes until I got home,
so I drove home wearing the skirt and blouse, and it was nice,
actually.  I avoided eye contact at the lights, so I don't know if
anyone really noticed or not, but what would it matter really.
I mean after Saturday night, I'll have gone out in public en femme,
and I'm sure that it will be happening a lot after that.

So like I say Saturday night I'm going to put on a lot of makeup,
and my wig, blouse, black leather pencil skirt, girdle, stockings,
purse, and 4" pumps.  all of which I ordered through the internet,
and sent to my PO box, about two weeks ago, right after I got
my last paycheck.  So I've got everything I need to go out now!

Of course there were some glitches - a dress is back ordered,
the skirt is too big, the heels are too small, I ordered a second
wig which I haven't gotten, wearing 4" heels first time out is
idiotic, etc  but I got everything I need to go out in public
now, and I'm going to do it and sort out all the kinks later
but this is the first time in about a year I've actually had any
money to speak of so I went out and blew about $600 on
all this, and of course I'm broke now but I get a paycheck
tonight, and I'm lieing here in my skirt and blouse as I write
this, so yeh I'm kind of proud of how good this went, and
how quickly it all took place.

It's really all very exciting.
Between working long hours, and all the new clothing I've
been trying on and all I haven't had time to caption, so
the cap's are all reruns -sorry, but I'm going out tommorrow
night for the first time as a woman, and I'll be meeting people
and making friends, and talking about how I feel about things,
and this is really important to me right now, so that's where
my focus is right now.

Take Care,

Stacy Wilderness