Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I am so totally frustrated right now, 12 hours of work monday
10 hours today but with a 2 hour window so it took 12 hours,
I'm wiped out and other than walking the dog in the morning
I've been in boy mode the whole time (well I sleep in a slip
now, but that doesn't count) My feet hurt so bad from all the
walking in heels I've done lately that I had to wear tennis
shoes when I went out ( I don't have any womans flats,
I should probaly pick up a few pairs)
Anyways like I say I'm feeling really frustrated so last night,
 I needed a little "relaxing" and so I was and the stupid vibrator
cap breaks and I wind up playing the Maytag repair man,
and thinking that being a vibrator repair man has got to be
the grossest job in the world when you consider where it's been,
(sorry if that's in bad taste)
I have some girdles and corsets on order and someday they may arrive
but in the meantime I wait....
I was going to go shopping in boy mode but then I just wasn't in the mood
for dealing with all that, but I have noticed that if I go and buy some girly
stuff in guy mode, if I walk around in guy mode with nail polish on  or
if I go and come back in full drag people seem to respond to me about
the same which is odd because someone buying articles of womans clothing,
someone wearing nail polish and someone dressing fully are three
highly different sittuations.
So I got to do some stuff in boy mode then go to sleep
but Tommorow should be fun - the drag contest is
Wednesday night and I have two pretty black gowns
to wear - I am really tired right now, so later

Sunday, November 27, 2011

when I did this caption, everything I did this weekend would have been impossible,
almost unimagineable.  Now it's tiring, fun, but really tiring -it takes a lot out of you,
but it's still very, very nice doing this for real

So I went out in public to the Holidazzle parade. I got there a little early so I decided
to walk along the street to the other end of the parade route (the beggining end).
I was wearing my size 16 slacks and size 12 boots, a grey and black blouse,
a very cute and festive red coat (which is not very warm) and my blond wig.
The wig really works well with my face and a number of people have commented
on how nice the wig looks when I'm wearing it then a white cap and matching
scarf (which are really cute) and black gloves. The parade starts at 6:30 I'd walked
to end of the route then turned around and went into a Chipolte resteraunt and
got a burrito.  Waiting in line in drag is a drag, but no one said anythin g or seemed
to care or anything.  The people on the line making the burrito where extremely
professional (what would you like ma'am? -they were being nice to me I know that,
but I genuinelly apprectiated the courtesy they extended to me by using female
gender  and gender neutral terms).  Chipolte Burrito's are huge, so I ate about half
before walking back and finding a good spot in the muddle of the route.  There were
a lot of people all ready hanging around and more came so by the parade time
there were people all around me, and from what I can tell no one really noticed
that there was anything unusual about me, I was just another woman in the crowd
(which is a very nice thing to be!).   The parade was a lot of fun but it was cold
and windy.  After the parade I stopped into the Gay90's for a beer, bumped into
a girl I know a bit, we chatted a little, then it was back to the ramp and on to St Paul.
I changed into a really lovely black full length evening gown - because I was planning
on sitting in for a song in the piano lounge, and I thought the gown would be really
lovely and a lot of fun to wear - it was of course, but there were a lot of (gay) guys in the
piano lounge that night, and when none of them really paid any attention to me , I kind
of felt a bit overdressed - it's such a pretty gown, but I looked pretty, they just were'nt
into it (it was a group of gay small business owners and business owners are highly
conformists and  trannys are by neccessity non-conformists, so I probqably scared
them as funny as that sounds) anyways I did get up after a while and sat in on asong
and another girl I've met before got to see me play (it wasn't just me, she was sitting there
to see me play and they weren't interested in her either, so eh, anyways after the swhow
I went into the main bar and caught some of the drag show and talked to a couple of
girls like me about stuff, and that was fun but it got to be pretty late so I headed
home and wound up being so tired I pulled off the road and took a nap, still in my gown!
the next morning I wore a black pleated skirt which is really nice a grey blouse and the
purple coat with the new white cap and scarf (they really are very cute)..  I walked
the dog, took a shower, then put the skirt back on and went to church.
The service was good and after the service I talked to a couple people including
a nice long talk with a guy ( I dunno, maybe)  and a pre-op giirl I know who gave
me the name and number of her gender therapist.  I''ve got a couple names now,
(I'm a little uneasy about leaving my therapist out of this, but ..well she's busy
and I'm busy and I'm not sure waiting helps anything and well , I'll tell her
but I want to be moving in the right direction... anyways...)
After church I drove to the Art Institute and saw the Edo Pop exhibit,
it was pretty crowded and while everyone was nice to me it was crowded
I enjoyed the exhibit and afterwards I went to the third floor for the period
rooms and all the while in my skiirt and just walking around looking at the
art and having a wonderful time.  There is a resteraunt on the second floor
so I ate there -it was a good meal - then I headed home,
So I'm officially goiing out in public, walking around dressed up and just
trying to be accepted as a girl, or a guy who'd like to be treated as a girl,or whatever,
but I can do it and I'm sure I'll be doing it again.

It really was a real struggle to get to this point, but it's nice knowing that I really
can put on a dress and go out and do OK.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

I had a nice lunch with a friend I've made recently. I was
a little nervous before calling her but the lunch went really
well.  It was a pretty important because she was one
of the friends who'd gone out to see me Wednesday, so
anyways having lunch was a really good idea so when she
suggested it I agreed and picked her up and took her to a
Denny's (it's not a romantic lunch OK, we're friends)
I was in guy mode, and she did manage to get me to blush talking
about the black gown I was wearing the night before -it really is
very pretty - and just by watching her example and seeing how
one needs to present onseself in public and how people respond,
is giving me the courage to do it myself today
going out in public, alone, in the middle of the day, to a denny's
or perkins or something and just ordering a lunch - that's my goal
for today everything else is old hat  but this is new and it's a little
scary, but it should be fun - but it's scary, I'll admit
After I dropped her off I went to electrolysis - and ouch, ouch ouch
ouch -it's not bad but after 55 minutes of this it suddenly went from
not too bad to "oh that hurts!" and she recognized it and called it a day,
so next friday is session #3 its a long process but it'll be worth it.
Otherwise I went on line and ordered a couple corsets and got
some pet food and an oil change  in boy mode- glamorous, huh?

Thursday, November 24, 2011

I'm going to gloss over a bunch of stuff about last night,
because it's too new, and well it's just too recent.

So I got finished with work early so I had a chance to
buy some breast forms at a fantasy house (which of course
I wore when I went out later) and a new human hair wig at
a wig shop (which I decided not to wear last night).
Then I went home, got dolled up and went out. 

I started out at a trans support group I've been going to, and
even thouhg I don't really need "support" right now, I think that
this is really valuable to have this type of connection to people
that I can talk to openly, if I ever get to the point that I do need
to really talk about stuff - in the past there's never been anyone
I could talk to about anything that matters - so it's important, and
it's fun too, one of the girls was commenting on how nice I looked,
and I've really improved my ability to present myself in a pretty
significant way if a fairly short time and it's nice that people are
noticing this effort.

After the meeting I went over to the church and they were having
a potluck dinner -I didn't know about that, but I was hungry, and
so I had a really good turkey dinner and apple pie and coffee -
and I got to chat a little with a couple people so that was fun.

The big event of the night was the amateur drag contest I was entering
(for the third week in a row).   I'd picked Muddy Water's "Mannish Boy"
as my song for the first round and was playing my harmonica along with
it (the song is in A, so I play in cross harp using a D harmonica) - afterwards
some of the other performers were commenting on how they really liked
my music but that some of the audience didn't like it because it wasn't the
drag show experience they were expecting ( lip syncing and dancing to
a pop song in an elaborate costume) -of course the girl who told me this
also plays the sax and started her drag career doing martial arts things because
that's what she knew and now has expanded to some more theatrical shows,
all of which is to me is interesting.  I'll get better at the lip syncing and dancing
part but really my intrest is having fun getting up to play my harmonica and
put on something pretty. So I'm not really a drag queen and never will be,
but I really do want to improve my performance - and I would like to win
one of these once I'm entered, but we'll see.
Before the show a couple friends showed up and one of them helped me
with my makeup (well actually he put on some makeup, and I just sat there
feeling pampered -it's pretty cool letting someone else put make up on you,
especially when he really knows what he's doing)
So the performance in the first round went well - I played my harmonica
and moved around a bit and generally had a lot of fun playing
in the next round the DJ picks a song and you have to perform a routine
to it (The Fishbowl round) -I got some song I've never heard and tried
to dance along to it - it wasn't a very good performance.
Anyways I didn't win, but I was dancing with a friend while wearing a very
pretty full length gown and we talked a bit after that.

Then Thursday I got thru Thanksgiving with the family and my brother
and his family and all that. 

my second electrolysis session is tonight, and since she knows I am
a cross dresser or a drag queen or what ever I am I'm going to
go ahead and show up in drag but without foundation on and not
shaving my upper lip and no caffeine, then I'll put on the rest of
my makeup and go out to the bars.

PS - I had to give up captioning because it too much time
 and no one ever commented on any of the work or anything,
but I did go online to a site
where I have some of my artwork on sale.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

I wound up kissisng a guy I'd met before a little bit. I was at a bar
hanging out for a bit.  We'd met briefly before the amateur contest last
Wednesday, so we'd kind of met before. He saw me at the bar
and sat down next to me and put his hand on my knee. That felt kind of nice
so I let him, but I stopped him when he tried to move his hand too far
up my skirt.  We talked a bit. He said I looked nice which
obviously I liked, so when he asked about kissing that seemed all right
but I said no tongue, then when he kissed me he was trying to use
his tongue and I was stopping it and that's just not romantic, I want
to close my eyes and relax in a guys arms not be pulling back trying
to keep his tongue out of my mouth and thinking too much,
so it wasn't nearly as much fun as it could have been, and it really
was his own fault.  After a bit, we walked into another room where
they were projecting music videos on a screen, and we talked and
danced a bit. It was a slow dance and I'm just learning to dance,
but it was really nice when he started kissing my neck, I mean it
was really very pleasant and I couldn't believe it when after just
a brief moment of this pleasure he stopped.  Anyways after a little
more kissing (with the same result - trannies are some of the most
stubborn people you'll ever meet) and sone gentle hugging he decided
to call it a night and left. I guess hugging me is boring.
Then I called it a night too. 
I'm kind of a little frusrated about the whole thing right now.
If he'd kissed me on the lips and been more romantic about the whole
thing it could have been a fun night for both of us, but I was telling him
that, and he just didn't listen. 

Sunday, November 20, 2011

This was probably my favorite day as a girl.
Nothing major it was just a really nice day.
I started off by going to church - I wore my
slacks, a black blouse, a little grey sequined top
and my new red jacket,.  The service was good
and I know a lot of the people sitting around me
so we exchange hellos and hugs and smiles and it
fun, after the service you go downstairs and talk
to people for a while then I went into the maintenance
area and did some work and got to meet the
other more senior guy, so we talked a bit
and it was interesting and pretty informative,
Then on a whim, I decided to go over to the
Walker Art Museum, still dressed up.
so I did, and I walked thru the museum for
a couple hours and some girls smiled at me,
and the art work is interesting, and the meal
at the cafe was OK, and the sculpture garden
in the snow is always fun
so that was my day - just out there being a girl
and it's nice - I was going to go to the day
of remembrance ceremony, but honestly
I'm not sure I've been doing this long enough
to really count as a trans person - I mean one
month is nothing compared to the years a typical
girl has been facing this, so I just wasn't sure
I'd belong - I'll go next year,
So instead I got out of my girl clothes and went
in drab to the mall.  I bought 3 pairs of pump
and a pretty cute pair of black boots,
Then I headed home, and I'm just going to
relax a bit.
I started Saturday in,  boy mode and went and bought a couple gowns
for about $60 each. They're gorgeous.  I tried on about 5 gowns
all told and bought two, but I'll use them on Wednesday in the amateur
drag contest. That'll be a big step up.  It was OK taking the gowns to
the dressing room because everyone helping me was very professional
and pleasant to me.

I played a little bit of harp in the morning, then got dressed up and went
to a trans/cross dressing pot luck which was fun, then went over to my
church for a screening of Genderf*kation and a panel discussion afterwards.
I enjoyed the movie, and got to meet some of the girls who were in it
afterwards so that was a lot of fun.  I also got to arrange with a gay guy 
who's a friend (he's a very nice guy) to shave my back so that I can actually
wear my new gowns on Wednesday (I am not a hairy guy, but any hair
on a girls back is gross, and I want to look nice in my full length gowns)
Then I changed out of my slacks and blouse into my black dress with
the gold trim and went back to the townhouse bar and listened to
Lori and sat in with her on a couple Blues songs on my harmonica, which
is a lot of fun, I hung out then in the main bar and talked to a couple girls
about wigs and going out in public and stuff for a while, it was fun
it got to be fairly late, I'd been dressed up and doing stuff for about 10 hours
so I was ready to call it a night, so I did. 
It was a fun night.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

I put in another 12 hour day, so I had to cancel my therapy session
which is pretty frustrating considering I went to work at 7am and my
session was at 7pm - I'm totally getting effed over at work these days,
but realistically when guys figure out that you aren't very masculine this
is the way you get treated and it happens time after time - it's a natural
instinct or something - nobody says anything, they probably aren't even
aware they're doing it, it's just men get treated one way and I get treated
another way, I was really frustrated and totally exhausted Friday.
So I cancelled the therapy session over the phone when I figured out I couldn't
make it in time -I wanted to go in drag again so I need an hour so I had to be
done by 6. I use a company car so I need a minimum of a half hour just to
drive over in boy mode.  But as it happned I finished my last job and was
passing the office a few minutes before seven on the way to drop off the
car, so I called and said I could make the session.  The receptionist was
supposed to call me back, and I pulled into the lot and waited and fell asleep
I took a 20 minute nap and it was  10 minues after 7pm so she never called back, or
I was asleep when she did - so I started driving back again.  So that's how
my big announcement that I want to start gender therapy and try to get on
hormones and deal with all these gender issues I have and all this that was
supposed to be discussed face to face in a session with me all dressed up and
looking pretty, and all that special moment stuff right down the drain
I called and talked to my therapist over the phone and told her I wanted to
do this and we'll schedule another session after Thanksgiving to talk about it
some more - blehh, I really didn't want to do this over the phone but I didn't
want to wait two weeks either, so bleh, it sucks, but it had to be done
this way.

Anyways I got my new coat and my new wig by mail when I did get home
and so I took some picture this morning.  I went out but as you can guess,
I was really, really tired so I don't think it really counts other than I did
put on a pretty dress and go out, but I just wasn't in sync.

Friday, November 18, 2011

a quick update
Tuesday - electrolysis session #1
summary - ouch, ouch, ouch 
I went for an hour 5pm and because I had a long
day at work I still had a job to finish afterwards so
I didn't get home until about 9pm and went to bed

Wednesday - drag contest #2
summary - blow girl, blow!
I had to work a really long 12 hour day,
so I missed the trans support group - I was
still working when it finished. I changed into
my girly stuff in a park parking lot then drove
to the church did my volunteer thing then went
into their bathroom and put on my makeup
and went to the Gasy90's -of course here I found
out that I could have showed up in boy clothes and
put everything on here in the dressing room -I really
am very new to this - so I did figure out that the other
girls show up and leave as boys - but I still want to
show up and leave in drag (unless I'm really pressed
for time and have no choice).  The crowd was kind
of cool to my harmonica playing, but the guest hostess
really liked it, and afterwards we talked and it was a
very pleasent chat - she really was quite nice, talking
music and dresses and cross dressing and things like
that is for me just a whole lot of fun to talk about
(and she's very pretty of course) so that was fun
the dance portion of the competion - well I haven't
learned to dance in a week - but I loosened up a little
and had fun with it and did my best - and laughed a bit
and had fun with it "get you sexy on" was the song.
I wore my black dress with the gold trim and that's
a really pretty dress, and the sandals that my friend
gave me, so that made me feel a little girlier too.
I didn't win of course, but I had a lot of fun, next
week I'll bring the tin whistle I think

Thursday -playing the Blues in Boy mode
played an hour in a St Paul bar with a group
I practice with -it went well - I was really tired
so I took a quick nap before showing up, then
I took a nap in the green room when I got there,
but the set went well after the show I drove
over to the Townhouse, but in boy mode, I wasn't
very comfortable so I drank a beer, watched the end
of the drag show and called it a night.

Whew, all caught up -therapy session tonight -
I'll show up in drag and ask about getting into
a program to start taking hormones then I'll
go out dressed up afterwards hopefully I don't
have to work this saturday,

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

So it's my birthday today, and I decided to give
my self some electrolysis after work - so it'll
be the first session. I haven't shaved since Sunday
morning, so my face feels like sandpaper, but I'm
hoping it's grown long enough to work in the better
part of three days.  Otherwise long day at work
(12 hrs) straight to band practice for a few hours,
straight home, straight to bed, so hopefully I'm done
in 8 to 10 hours today otherwise I'll just driving over
there when the appointment time comes then going
back to work afterwards which will make for a late
night and a long day - I'm at that point in the employment
cycle where the employer keeps telling you one more day
then it'll go back to normal, one more day....
I know what's happening, but I'm learning that as a trans
person, even in boy mode, you really just have to manage
your stress and your exhaustion and frustrations and smile
and get through stuff - it is what it is - there's three choices-
going back to being a boy full-time (and literally I can't imagine
that -it'd be like a living death) killing yourself (which let's be
honest is always going to be out there as the third choice -it
sucks but it's true) and trying to find some way to make this whole
trans thing work and so I'm trying to make it work and find what
ever happiness I can like this - So, Happy Birthday Stacy!

(I'm really not unhappy, so far the trans thing has been wonderful,
but it is really scary trying to see what my future is like this -I can't
imagine, so you close your eyes and drive down the street the wrong
way and hope for the best)

Monday, November 14, 2011

I had a really nice day.  I joined my church and today was the day I got
up before everyone and made it official.  It's a gay church, and for me
coming out as both gay and trans was really important - it just doesn't
make any sense to come out as gay and try to hide still that I'm trans,
so I was pretty happy and very comfortble about joining the church,
and it was the thrd week I've come to the service dressed up so it
was not a big deal but it was -for me acknowlidging that I really am
trans and that this is the way I need to be living and is what God wants
me to do and what I have to do to be happy and find fullfilment in life
has really been a struggle - so joining the church as a trans person
really was a big deal, and being accepted as such really is important,
but the actual moment was sastisfying and I was kind of proud but
it wasn't a big deal -it seemed like it was a natural thing for me to do,
so yeh, I think I'm starting to genuinelly accept myself.

I was going to wear my black dress with the gold trim, but I went
shopping at Walmart (dressed up of course) and bought a pair
of black pants size 18, and a couple blouses and ended up
wearing them instead - the pants fit OK but I needed a belt
still to wear them so I'm going to buy the size 16's this week
and I'm really sure they'll fit better - so I started out thinking
I was a size 20 and I really am a size 16 - my body image is
a disaster because size 16 is really not big for a woman my age,
and there is nothing I can do about age. Top side I'm size
16, but if it has narrow sleeves I need to go to size 18 or
pick a different outfit - my forearms are bigger than a girl
my size will have, and a womans size 12w is a classic
tranny give away big hands, big feet) but if I can get
to the point where maybe I'm recognizable as genetically
a man but truly wants to be accepted as a woman, and
will present and act according to those rules most
people will accept me on thise terms and that
would be wonderful, then if I could just find a boy friend...

but anyways so I actually wore pants, but they were misses
pants and a blouse and it was obvious that I was presenting
myself as a woman, but I didn't actually wear a dress, but
I looked pretty.

So I went downstairs for coffee after the service and got invinted
to a meal at a trans woman's home and of course I accepted
and gave a lift to one of the other guests and drove over to her
home and spent several hours there and had a truly delicious
meal but it was home cooking which meant we sat there for
quite a while, her guests talking, everyone smelling the food
as it cooked, seeing pictures of her friends and family and
a recent trip, me having little conversations here and there,
and she had a pair of new size 12 sandals, that she gave to
me and of course I'm so new to finding shoes that fit I put
them on and wore them around for the rest of the afternoon
they are really cute, and I really like looking down and seeing a
cute pair of womans shoes on my feet - it's one of those
aesthethic things - I look down at the shoes and the stockings
and it looks pretty, and its like as a guy I never ever got to wear
things like this and it really brings me an enjoyment -it's not in
any way a sexual enjoyment, I'm wearing a tight enough girdle
thst getting as hard on would be pretty uncomfortable -
but it is possible to really enjoy things and find pleasure in
how you look and how people look at you with out it
being a masculine sexual thing - that's a really superficial,
thing the whole boy thing, and this seems more part of
the whole entirety of who I am as a person - and just
sitting around someones home, dressed up and being
accepted as one of the guests waiting for a home cooked
meal, occasionally glancing down at my new sandals,
and just sitting around listening and talking a little was really
a whole lot of fun.

So I went home and was pretty much exhausted so I went to bed
early. Monday I'm in boy mode and I don't shave and Tuesday
I don't shave and I'm in boy mode again but I'm starting electrolysis,
so I'm not sure that really counts as being in boy mode.
Wednesday is the trans support group and if I can find a good backing track
for me to play harmonica on , I'll give the amatuer drag contest another try
I won't win but I don't care if I can find a good song to show off my
musical abilities.
Thursday I'm playing out as a boy musician
Friday is therapy and I want to discuss going into Gender Therapy
again ( which is scary after the last time, but
my last therapist truly was a horses ass, and this time around
it's a lot more obvious what the situation is) then I'll go out in drag,
Saturday is a cross-dresser potluck then over to a
screening of genderf*kation and a trans panel discussion
at the MCC church 3100 Park Ave)
Sunday is church service then the day of remembrance
service (if I go) at the Spirit of the Lakes church and I
don't have that adress handy, but I've only been trans
for a month, so I'm 100% sure I really feel I "fit in"
as a trans person at this event, but as a supporter
of what it stands for, I mean seriously I'm 100%
in support of the girls and there right to live as they
need to and the total immorallity and horror that people
get killed because they have to try and live in
a non conforming gender rule - I'm completely
in support of this, but I think presenting myself
as a trans person at this event, I'd be a bit of
a poser, so I'll probably go in boy mode
just because while I'm trans I'm not trans like they
are - living it day in, day out for years and really
facing some of those dangers and all -so I'd
like to go in drag of course, but I'll probably
go as a guy, but maybe I'll go in drag, I don't
know yet. 

anyways busy week ahead.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

So another picture from the other day. I don't do sexy very well, but then I'm
a middle aged man who's been dressing up and going out for exactly one month,
so i'm doing OK.  Last night was the monthly cross dressing meeting, and of course
a month ago was the first time I went out in public, since then I've been out three
or four nights a week, and I just love it.

So just a quick post - today is Sunday, I'm going to church dressed up, then
I'm going out and doing some shopping.  I  may go in a Perkins alone and order
a meal.

Last night was really good - I did my volunteer church thing wearing my dress,
and since I had to let myself in, I was the only  one in the church, so when I was
closing up, and checking stuff, I passed the alter and I decided I'd actually literally
get down on my knees and pray.  So I did, just the Lord's Prayer and a guick
asking for help then I locked up and headed over to the cross dresser club
meeting.  The meeting was well attended and there was a girl there out in public
for the first time, so other people are doing this too, and yeah! it's so much better
than trying to hide who you are, seriously.

After the meeting I hung around and played a couple songs in the piano lounge
I love doing this and want to make it a weekly thing - everyone was really
complimentary about my playing and another girl took some pictures, the dress
is pretty, but I adopt boy poses when I'm playing - just all the time on stage
it's hard to just wipe that away -next time I'll sit down and cross my legs,
and look a lot girlier, but I played really good and it was wonderful -it's
so much fun and I really look forward to dressing up and playing my harp,
seriously it's wonderful,
I had a really nice conversation with a couple of "butch Bisexual/Lesbians"
(which is probably an inappropriate description, if it is I apologize)
but they were nice and really enjoyed my harp playing and so we talked
awhile and it was fun.
so the night was spent around people talking and good music and
generally very enjoyable.

anyways it was getting on towards 11:30 but I was tired from a long week
and staying out late last night so I went home, and fell asleep about 5 minutes
after I got in the door. 

Saturday, November 12, 2011

so thats what I look like after a few beers in a dark bar - sigh,
actually I tried taking a few pictures this morning but the makeup
I put on last night was pretty much gone, and I really, really need makeup
when I taske photos - so this one was out of focus and it's the best
looking one - realistically I'm going to need hormones. makeup and a lot
of work if I have any hope of passing, but it's not hopeless

So I went to th eGay90's drag show in drag of course, and pulling in the ramp
the guy there was kind of all smiles and stuff and nice to me, so that was a good
start , but then I'm getting off the elevator, and I makeup eye contact with one
girl in a group of girls and guys and she says hi and I say hi and her broyfriend
syas "what the fuck is that" referring to me in a dress which kind of sucked,
and I'm walking away and she yells out "have a good night, Sir!" so I'm off
to a "great start"  but I walk down the street to the bar, no problem and I'm prett
comfortable with that walk now. go in the bar, check my very girly purple
leather coat and head upstairs and I bump into a fellow contestant from the
drag show on wednesday (she is the server there in boy mode) so we talk a litlle
and joke about my performance,and harmonica playing and stuff and it's fun.
Then I sit down and watch the drag show for about an hour and a half, and
the girls are really pretty and I'm more appreciative of how tough the performing
is, after my performance the other night, so I'm enjoying it but I'm really tired too,
and finally I decide to leave, and as I get my coat I pump into another girl from
the trans group I go to -so we talked and I met her trans boyfriend and then
we said goodnight and Iget my coat and walk out and some guy comes up
and wants to talk to me.  So I tell him I'm going to my car in the parking garage,
but he's insistant (but not pushy, it was mostly nice), so I let him walk with me
back to the garage, and it does feel reassuring walking along at night with a man
at your side (when you're all dressed up you're a bit more vulnerable, that you'd
realize if you've never done it).  So we ride up the elevator and we're talking
and stuff and get back to the truck and I tell him I'm heading home and all,
but I did relent a bit and let him hug me and kiss me on the cheek, so he kissed
me on the cheek a couple times, and on the neck and then he kissed the
exposed part of my cleavage (nothing inappropriate, but his head was kind of
buried in my chest), and I said goodbye and got in the truck - I was telling him
I'm really new to this cross dressing and I'm a very confused person and all this
stuff, so I wasn't leading him on, and he was nice about it but it wasn't very

I drove over to St Paul bar then had a beer and ordered a meal because I was
hungry, but other than exchange smiles and pleasentries with a couple girls it
wasn't my night, so I headed home.  I'm going out tonight so I'm doing this
post on the fly - I have to get some shoes and do some boy music stuff,
get back home for some chores, go out wig shopping, then get ready and
go out tonight - this leading a double life is tiring

Friday, November 11, 2011

So I went thru with it and entered the amateur drag contest,
it was a lot of fun and massively embarrassing. I didn't win
of course, but I didn't expect to, I just wanted to get up
on stage in a dress and play my harmonica and I did.

The night started at the Trans support group, and I was in
new blouse and slacks (boy pants technically) and boots
then I went over to the church for by volunteer thing for
a little bit then I changed into a dress (black with gold
sequin trim) and went over to the bar.  It was a little early
so I had a couple beers at the bar, and it was pretty empty
so when a guy/girl couple waved and motioned to come
over, I did, and when I started to say hi, the girl says
"Oh!...you're a guy.."  I took it in stride, but I thought
that was pretty cool, that I'm passing a little at least

I was supposed to enter at 9 and I didn't know that
so I hung out until about 9:30 then asked the bartender
about the entry, and spent the next half hour sort of
panicky, but the Nina, the hostess was cool about it
and there were only two other girls, so I did get to enter
and perform. It started at 10:30 and the other girls
had really pretty custom outfits and eleborate makeup
and were very serious about their routines, and of course
I've been dressing up for a month, and I really haven't
got the hang of everything yet, but I look sort of pretty
and I'm having fun with it -but I wasn't anything like
a serious competitor and they were, but they were nice
and I talked a little, but was kind of nervous and while
I was waiting (about an hour and a half all told) I talked
to a couple guys (one at a time of course)
who were sort of interested in me, and
I was sort of interested in them but it didn't really go
anywhere and I was nervous about performing and
really wanted to talk about music more than, well
you know what they wanted to talk about...

So while I'm waiting I go outside to the smoking
area and take out my harp and start to play it
and I bow out a reed! I think it was my lipstick
that caused the problem, but I have to then almost
literally run back to the parking garage get another
harmonica, and then run back, then I changed out
of my boots and put on the 4" pumps - they hurt
like Hell but they really make my legs look pretty.

The first performer was really good and very serious
about her performance and the second performer
was really good too, then I got up and did my
Koko Taylor song and the lip syncing part wasn't
as good as I hoped (I only practiced a couple hours
in the car driving around for work) but the harmonica
part went really well -I'm going to take Nina's advice
and come back with one of my own harmonica intrumentals
and just get up and play -that could go over real well
so I got through the first round and the small crowd and
performers enjoyed it then on to the suicide round
where you're given a song and you don't know what it
will be and you have to perform it and the other two
girls were just amazing - I was stunned that they had it all
coreographed and the lip syncing was excellent and,
I'm sitting there there laughing at myself going what did
I get myself into.  So I'm back stage a little nervous,
and I got some wardrobe help from the one contestant,
and then went on stage and I got the "all the single lady's"
song which I've heard about a dozen times before, and
it was a not very good performance, but some girls watching
saw me struggling so they got up and started dancing and I
was following their intructions, and I sort of got through it,
by trying to dance and smiling and generally feeling pretty
silly - but I got through it and didn't chicken out or run off stage
or quit in the middle of it and I looked ridiculous, but so what,
it was fun, and it was the price of admission for me to get
up and play my harmonica on stage - so they let me do my thing
and I support their contest -it's a fair deal
I desperately need to learn how to dance a little for the next
time I enter that's for sure.

So after the show I hung out for a bit and talked to a few people
a little then went home and was starting to feel pretty tired and
all day thursday I was dragging and it was an 11 hour -no breaks-
major frustration work day, so I got home and went to sleep,
oh yeah I forgot to mention I did go into a Target wednesday,
when I got stuck between two jobs with an hour to kill and bought
a couple bras and a blouse -dressed up as a boy, the cashier
seemed really indifferent about it, but not in a nice way, but so
what, I needed a C-cup at least if I'm going to enter a drag show
(I should probably go to DD for drag, I also ordered an A cup
online and I'm just about positive I can actually fill this bra
with "what God gave me", so it'll be like a training bra if I
do decide to go on hormones - but I might hold off on that
if I can pass, or even almost pass, without them)

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

I was in boy mode again yesterday. I was going to go out but
I've been so exhausted that I fell asleep about 7:30 or 8 and
woke up around midnight, so I went back to sleep -I'm really
working long hours, but they're suppoused to go back to normal
soon. I did call about facial electrolysis, which will start next Tuesday
@ 6pm.  Tuesday is my birthday, so you know what I wanted.

So, it was good I rested up because it's three-thirty in the morning
and I tried sleeping but I'm awake now, and I tried praying but
I couldn't concentrate, and so I thought I'd  review my schedule
for next week - well in boy mode I work mon- fri I have this sat
off, so I'm probably working next sat - yeh boy mode sucks
totally. I'm practicing with a band monday night, then we're
playing next thursday night -that's in musician mode which isn't really
boy mode it's sort of boy mode/androgynous mode -I haven't
said I'm this or that, but it's never come up either, so it's not
like I'm closeted, more like theirs an understanding that they
probably don't want to ask, and I'd talk about it, but I'm not
going to volunteer it. anyways in girl mode, I'm pretty busy,
so here goes:
Wed - if I can get off work by 5 - trans support group,then over to
St Paul bar for dinner and use their restroom to change clothes
there's a 10p amateur drag contest that I've entered -because
Nina said they'd give me a microphone - so I'm bringing my harp
and I'll lip sync a Koko Taylor song (Let the Good Times Roll)
and play  harp on the breaks so that'll be fun
Thu - I have to get some shoes I can wear (right now I have some boots
that are wonderful and the 4" pumps which hurt like Hell after an hour)
and a wig, if there's time (the wig shop closes at 7pm) so hopefully
I'll go shopping
Fri- I wanted to hit the bars but do a bit of shopping first - I'm going
to try a different mpls gay bar  this time - I haven't been there in a while.
Sat- boy stuff in the morning, then I dress up and I'm going to sit in on a song
at the St Paul bar, which I really look forward to then I'll
catch the drag show their and over to the Gay90's for that show
(I have to check but the cross dressing club is sat too I think -that'd work out well.
Sun- Church, of course - I've joined the church so this is where you
get up in front of everyone, using your real name, and acknowledge
who you are, and what you believe in and all that - I'm a little nervous,
being dressed up and all, and I want to look pretty. I think I'll just
put on some slacks and walk the dog after wards and unwind
Mon - music practice
Tues - Electrolysis begins, then I'll just dress in some slacks and take the dog to a dog park
  (oh yeah - I can't shave before this for a day or so - I need 1/8" of stubble -yuck)
Wed-Trans support group and if it went well, I'll do the amateur drag contest again
Thu - playing with my band
Fri - Therapy session - I'm going to talk about getting into the U of M program
for trans people becuase I think I may possibly have some issues with my gender
identity (male -yuck). Then since I'm all ready dressed up, I'm going to hit the bars
Sat -there's an afternoon potluck and later a trans conference at my church
and hopefully I'm not working too late and I can do both -the Trans conference
will show a movie first and I'm looking forwards to that event.
Sun-church again then unwind and start the next week

Sunday, November 6, 2011

My toes were smitten with intense pain - that's what
I get for wearing 4" pumps to church

But before that I went to Walmart, in slacks and
bought a couple pairs of pantyhose and a couple
bras ( size 42 -B cup). The lady at the register
was nice, but I was kind of nervous, so I didn't
say a lot -so yeh she was nice to me, and being
nervous, I was kind of a jerk in return, giving
trannies a bad name I suppose, actually she saw
I was nervous and was nice to me.
I don't quite fill the bra the way it should be filled,
but I'm pretty sure I can fill an a-cup quite nicely
with what I was born with -so I'm going to go looking
for nice padded a-cup bra's in the 40 to 42" size.
I meant to get some slips too, but I forgot.

Then I went to a park near the church and put on
the red leather skirt, 4" pumps, and purse and
walked around a bit, then drove over to church
entered and did my volunteer thing (in a skirt
of course and went to service. 

The service was a little different this time around,
but that's ok I looked pretty good, and chatted
a bit after words at it was really nice. But my toes
really started to hurt after the size -they hurt
really bad, and so I guess I was getting a lesson
on appropriate footwear in a church!

Then I went over to a park walked around a bit
more, got a drive-thru meal and went home
and changed back to boy mode and I'll be in
boy mode Monday too.

Here's the song I'm going to lip sync and play
along with my harmonica on next week:
(Koko Taylor - Let the Good Times Roll)


Saturday, November 5, 2011

I have to work a full day Saturday and I have family
stuff Saturday night so I can't dress up at all, except
when I walk the dog in the morning of course (I pretty
much always dress up for that these days). 

So I really wanted to dress up Friday night, but I was
really tired because I'm working too many hours and
it's a tough job (I'm not complaining -the job is a blessing,
but I am physically tired, I'm emotionally tired, I feel a little
exhausted -I'm just stating a fact that I'm working too many
hours and I don't get any break all day when I do work a
10 to 12 hours per day, so it's a long day)
Anyways I had to take care of some stuff and just didn't have
time to dress up nice so I tried for a more natural makeup and
slacks instead of a dress and went out -I thought I looked nice
and a bit more like I was really a woman not a drag performer,
but I got to the St Paul bar and sat at the bar for 45 minutes and
not one person talked to me or smiled at me or even noticed me really
(I've been there several times now) so I finished my beer, and
headed over to the Gay90's in Minneapolis.  Walking in I overheard
one black guy correcting another black guy that I was a guy -like
thanks friend and I went in ordered a beer and sat down and
caught the start of the show.  The show was good, but I was
kind of in an edgy mood so I walked around a bit, but nothing,
so I ordered another beer, after about an hour and a half it was
getting to be midnight, so I decided to leave, and on the way
out I bumped into someone who leads the Trans support
group I go to so I said hi as we passed, so that was the
highlight of the night (OK the night sucked) then on the
way home I decided I'd go to the walmart and buy some
slips, but as I was walking in a guy told me they were
closed, so I drove over to the Taco Bell went thru the
drive thru and ordered a quisadlilla, the girl at window
smiled at me as I paid for my meal (so one person
smiled at me finally)
anyways the night sucked, obviously -I'm going to put the slacks
on and a wig and the boots and go walk the dog, but then its off
to work and I'm in boy mode all day today -I'll put on something pretty
for church on Sunday.

Friday, November 4, 2011

I didn't actually go out Halloween. Since it was a monday and
I'd gone out dressed up Friday, Saturday, and all day Sunday
I had guy stuff I had to take care of - so I returned the costume
and then picked up my dog and bought some guy clothes - I've
noticed that every thing I wear is way too big.  I think I'm actually
a size 16 in womans clothes and I started off a couple weeks ago
buying size 20 so you know what my body image is (I'm too fat!
I am, but it's not nearly as bad as I think it is-I'm trying to work
through this,because I am a little pretty actually when I'm all dressed
up - a little heavy but not too bad)
Anyways Tuesday I had to work late and so I got dressed up in some
slacks, a blouse, my boots, my new coat, the wig and just a little makeup
and took the dog to a dog park.  No one was there, and I was not
dissapointed -but I'm going to need to find time to dress up and time
to walk the dog, and so like it or not - a lot of my dressing up is going
to be for walking the dog (sigh, and I looked so pretty - what a waste)
I went home and Wednesday I worked late and expecting that I put
together a girly travel kit of the basic makeup (foundation, mascara,
lipstick) wig, boots, slacks, girdle, pantyhose, blouse, coat and put
it in my truck so that when I got off work I stopped in a mens bathroom,
washed my hands and face off as well as I could in the sink,
put on the girdle, pants and blouse went out into the parking lot put
on the boots wig and makeup and 25 minutes later Viola!
(actually I kind of looked like Hell, but the other girls said I looked
Then I drove to a Trans support group that I've been going to -they
know I'm not going for a sex change, but it's OK if I go to these
meetings -so the meeting was pretty frustrating because of somethings
a post-op trans woman was saying about the other people.
Ultimately she was asked to leave, and like I said it was frustrasting.
I'll go next week if I can make it, because I think listening to other
peoples experiences and what they're going through is valuable, but
it's kind of a pretty serious thing to other girls and so I'm trying to
"tread lightly" - and maybe these meetings might be a bit too intense
emotionally - I'll go a few more times and see how it goes.
I didn't want to go home (which usually happens when I get dressed up)
so I went over to the church, did my volunteer thing and talked to a guy
about music a bit, then I still didn't want to go home so I headed over
to the St Paul bar -it was pretty dead, so I had a couple beers and
ordered a fish and chips, it was still dead and no one was interested
in chatting especially, so I headed on out to the Gay90's. I got there
had a couple beers and continued my "vow of silence" - OK it was
dead, and the reason why guys don't put on a dress and go to gay bars
is that the gay guys really are not attracted to guys in a dress -but
obviously I'm going to keep wearing the dresses and just deal with
not being attractive to gay men - I'm just glad it's accepted enough
here, but soon I will be going to regular bars in a dress -it's a big step
and one has to be careful but it is fairly safe I think -I'm really not
ready yet.
So the drag show started and I watched it and since there weren't
a lot of people I finally summoned up the courage to introduce myself
to the performers which was exciting actually and after I introduced
myself when they were doing their acts I walked up and gave each
a dollar, it's silly but it's kind of fun being more of a participant than
a spectator, and next time I'll bring five's or something to show more

So it's getting late (about 1am ) and I hear an announcement about
an amateur drag contest next wednesday - and the light bulb goes
off - I have zero interest in competing in a drag contest, but I do have
an interest in dressing up and playing my harmonica on stage, so
I ask and they'd give me a microphone, and let me get dressed up and
lip sync an Koko Taylor song or something and play my harp!
so I'm pretty excited about that - I have to pick a song and pick the
recording in and all but next Wed, 10pm, Gay 90's shouldn't be too
many people there, but hopefully I'll be up there playing my axe
for a song and wearing my black dress with the gold trim - it
should be fun.