I got plenty of nothing - I'm out of money now, just about,
so I won't be dressing up at all for a while and I'm going to
only post after I dress up or when something significant happens
so who knows when I post next -
but I did email the singer of my band about some potential gigs
and kind of officially came out, in the process, so I'm waiting
to hear where that goes
got an email from a guy who wants to meet me at the Townhouse,
so why not? if I get stood up again I'll be dressed up in a gay bar
and Lord knows there's no way I could get into trouble walking
around wearing a dress in a gay bar (sigh)
Obviously I didn't get an offer from the job I had a second interview
for so I keep looking, and there's still another job I'll be on the list for,
so I just need to keep looking
so I wanted to close out the 6 month stretch with one last poem
which will be Drag #5
Drag #5
I'm at Hidden Falls park in St Paul, waiting for a friend
we play music together, or we did
until he disappeared,
he's been depressed
he called me the other day,
today is Sunday, Earth Day,
I suggested we go to a drum circle
at Hidden Falls park, on Sunday,
I'm running late, I've never been there,
but he can't find it either,
I get there first
I walk over to a pointlessly milling
about crowd of vaguely hippiesh looking people
with an odd assortment of African looking drums
the email said it would start at 2, it's now 5,
I don't think they will be starting anytime soon,
but I'm pretty sure this is the drum circle
I'm wearing girls beige colored jeans, a girls blouse,
makeup, a dark brown wig
brown boots with 3" heels
and slinging a bodhran in a case over my shoulder
oddly I'm not nervous walking up to this group,
a girl is cutting fire branches for the bonfire later
I offer to help, but she explains she's just started sawing,
she saws the branch, or tries to
but is slides around on the log that it rests on.
I offer my foot -
my boot heel actually
to hold it in place
the notch of my boot heel is the perfect size and shape for
stepping on the branches she's sawing -like a vise my
boot heels hold the branch in place she saws through
the branch, quickly -next, I step on branch again
and again she saws through the branch we repeat this
several times -we are a good team - her strong arms,
my sexy boots with the 3" heels
if anyone ever asks you what practical use heels have
now you know
my friend D- arrives
I walk over.
this drum circle won't be starting any time soon we both agree
D- wants to walk, so we walk
he's depressed and wants to quit smoking pot -
it helps with the depression but it also doesn't
not any more
I've quit smoking pot,
I quit a 12 pack a day beer habit,
I quit a 2 pack a day cigarette habit and gained 50 pounds
I talk about how it took so much out of me,
how hard it was, it was scary, and hard
impossibly hard
I talk about coming out about being trans, walking out in
public in a dress, how hard that was, how unimaginably
impossible that was -it was a mountain, I say, that was
impossible to face, you can't imagine
but I'm smiling, and I'm walking along with my friend
and people are walking by and it all seemed OK at the time,
which is weird, me smiling, laughing, dressed like a woman,
talking about how impossible it was, how depressed I was,
you can't imagine how depressed I was, you just can't,
how hard it was to quit, how unbelievably impossible it
was to let people see me dressed up, I laugh and people
walk by and hear me laugh,
what do I care, I'm talking to a friend
I knew what caused my depression,
I knew exactly why I was depressed facing that mountain,
that mountain of impossibility of never, ever being me,
and shrinking back into the mind numbing depths of the hopelessness
relieved only by getting stoned out of existence
D- talks about his depression, facing the morning, how hard
it is in morning, being so tired, so depressed
he talks about his fiance, his job, his wonderful son,
we talk about ideation versus making plans,
he knows exactly what I'm talking about
and why -if that line is ever crossed,
(it's unstated, but understood)
I joke about my last job and the first thing I thought
literally when I woke up every morning was
"Fuck!"
I laugh -it's funny, but God I hated that job, all the hiding
repressing, depression, fear
I had to quit
but it was scary
I talk about going to church,
my gay church where I got to meet gay people,
well I didn't actually met them, but I sat in the same room
with them and that helped at the time
it's not a very religious message
but it's helped me
being around people is important
not shutting them out
I've been doing that
D- says
They should support you I suggest
but he disagrees, and feels he's been ignoring people
or not returning their calls and shouldn't do that
I nod and walk on
we talk some more
and make our way back to the drum circle
which still hasn't started,
of course
So we decide to start our own jam
I get my dulcimer,
because I want him to hear me play my new instrument
and my harmonicas (of course) and a tin whistle
and a couple bath towels (because I don't want
to get grass stains on my girly jeans)
he brings a couple drums and a guitar
we jam
it's a lovely spring evening
as we start to play a mother and her child
come over the child is fascinated
"He's a boy, right? how old is he? about two?"
"he's one" his mother tells me
I play my harmonica and D- lets the boy
bang on his drum
the drum circle starts up in the background
a persistent rhythm
I adjust my jamming to this new beat
the boy bangs on the drum
he's in 4/4 time and keeping the beat,
he starts bobbing up and down in time,
dancing
it's hilarious
I'm laughing, D-'s laughing, the mother's laughing
the boy looks at us
and goes back to dancing
in a bit the father will come over
he was down by the river
he will have a camera around his neck
and a daughter
my foot will have fallen asleep and I'll need to stand up
and stomp my heels into the grass
the spell will be broken
D- will need to get home.
but he'll hug me before he goes
and he's smiling when he leaves
in a bit I'll be standing there
alone
looking at the drum circle
afraid to go over
feeling like an outsider
an intruder
unsure of whether to go over and join in
or not
I'll feel that vague fear
but I give in to that fear and
get in my truck and go home
but that's all in a bit
right now,
thing's are OK
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