I went on a date this afternoon.  I t was really very nice.  We talked and
spent a couple hours walking through a zoo and garden.  I had a good time.
 I'm pretty sure he likes me and thinks I'm pretty. He's going to call me
and ask me out again, and of course I will go with him -he's very nice.

so that would be me, this morning, and this would be a video of  my crazy dog:

this would be the puppy I had before (several years ago) -she was such a good 

girl that we got another of the same breed and they are nothing like each other

(that would be me on the harmonica -but I am so much better now that I'm

like oh my, that was a long time ago)

so OK where to begin, the date was a disaster obviously -it's like a running gag

now -He had a headache, he emailed me later though feeling better, but I was at

rally etc so we never did get together -but I had a good day so if he wants to

try again that's cool, but he's really got to be more serious about it if he tries

to set up a second date -considering how very patient I was this time.

A couple other guys have also emailed me about formal dates - pick me up,

take me some place nice, etc real dates to impress me, and I have to admit

it's kind of working, I mean I walk out of the house in my dress, get in a guy's

car, go to a nice resteraunt, seriously -it's kind of exciting and I don't want

to take advantage of someone and have them blow a couple hundred bucks

on me, but then again, I am pretty, genuinely a nice person, very intelligent, healthy

(other than being kind of fat), college educated, and really pretty sane -which

is rare in any woman, but especially transwomen (and stop laughing,

I am a very sane person -I just live a very weird life) -but I stop to think about

it and why wouldn't a nice guy looking for a nice transwoman be interested

in me?

So back to todays narrative - Church service was good, and I stopped 

downstairs and told several people about my bands gig next Sunday

then I'm walking back to my truck parked on the street a couple hundred

feet from the church, so I'm getting in the truck and and the guy parked

in the car behind me pulls up, I roll down the window, and we chat a bit

he asks where I'm going next, I'm just hanging out, you want to go hang

out at  Como Park, etc... so he get's in my truck and we're gonna go over 

to a park in St Paul.  Let me pause the story for a second -people at my 

church park on the street across from the church (where I park and where

he parked) and so I just assumed that because he was getting in his car

and pulling away, just as I was, that he'd been in church and was looking

for someone to chat with and spend some time with after church - that

was a really bad assumption - turns out he'd seen me walking to my truck

and was trying to, well proposition me  to have sex with him, and of course

I'm like I wouldn't have sex outside of a relationship and that got him

running from my truck faster than if I'd used tear gas on him

So I go over to the cafe, to talk about the gig on Sunday, and I tell this story to

a transwoman friend I know when I get there, and I'm laughing and

blushing as I tell the story,  anyways we were going to talk but a friend I'm 

kind of worried about called and we chatted for a good bit, then I go back

in and my friend at the cafe is leaving but she tells me about an event going

on in Burnsville ( to defeat the one man/one woman marriage bill) 

so I talk to someone about the gig, then wind up in Burnsville-

the event was pretty cool and and everyone was smiling and welcoming

and obviously I totally support the idea of same sex people being able to

marry, so I hooked up with someone there and I'm going to try and

get involved in that

then I was still trying to make the date happen (you remember the date 

that started this whole chain of events) so I wanted to meet at the 90's at 9

it was too late, how about the mall of america at 7? I never heard back

but I wanted to go so I went anyways and wound up in a store playing with

the toys and talking to a guy for about 45 minutes, then it was closing time,

so I went home 

So like I say my dating experience is a running gag now, but it really was kind of

a fun day, so I get home, video crazy dog, take off my dress and stuff and go back

in boy mode (which kind of sucks) write this block and next I'll walk my dog

and call it a night.

Seriously I am going to get dressed up and go on a date with a guy -

it is really going to happen, seriously,  this is getting absurd

my life sucks
anyways I'm two minutes from walking out the door, after taking a
couple pictures of myself all dolled up, and I get a message that
he's not going to make it -he's not feeling well, but maybe we can
go out this evening, so I email back:

OK, thanks for letting me know

I'm all dolled up all ready

(as you can see)  so I'll go to church and
head to [well I'm not going to tell you]  anyways. I'll probably be

back in boy mode this evening -walking the dog,

sending out resumes, stuff like that.

So let's try again, maybe next weekend

Dang... I actually felt pretty today too

Stacy

well I suppose I'm off to church

Well I suppose I should get ready for my date.

I'll go to church first, then stop over at the Cafe and talk about the gig
next Sunday with my band, then I'm going to meet someone I've met on-line
and it's very informal and in a very public place. The odds are I'll walk over
say Hi, talk for 30 seconds and decide this is a bad idea and turn around
and go home.  Certainly nothings going to happen other then introducing
ourselves and chatting a bit, and that's if things go well, and they never do,
Anyways, time to get this over with.

I thought I was done with this stupid blog for a while,
but I actually have updates

I'm going on a date with a guy Sunday (tomorrow) -we've just been chatting
on line, and I want to actually go on a date with a guy -with me all dolled
up -especially since last time I got stood up (see Drag #4 and Drag #7)
So if I get stood up, it won't be the first time, but he seems nice
and he wants to meet me, so I'll get dressed up for church, then
afterwards meet up with him.  I'm wearing my black dress and heels
and I'm looking forward to this, obviously

The band I'm in played last night and something like 330 people went thru
the event. The organizers seemed happy with the performance, and
I made $20.00 which sounds pitiful, but actually a $20.00 bill means I can
buy some foundation (#225 is my shade) and some more pantyhose (I refuse
to wear a skirt without pantyhose, and I won't wear pantyhose with a visible
run in it, so that's one reason I haven't been dressing -I only have a couple
pairs of pantyhose that I could wear right now, and I'm not going to pawn my
TV to buy pantyhose and makeup).

I play in guy mode, but the band has decided to perform next week
at an event in a local park, and I got that gig from the same
person who offered us the chance to play at Pride - so it looks like
the band is going to play this event next week and Pride in a month
and a half - I don't think I'll be in drag for Pride, but I'll be there
playing with my band and that's pretty exciting (I've come a long way
since a year ago, but it has not been easy)

The top caption is based on a phone call yesterday from a friend who has tickets
for todays Twins game -I turned it down, not because the Twins really suck,
but because I'm kind of afraid of getting dressed up and going to a
sporting event with her -I'm worried about the drunks (see Drag #2 -
St Patricks day) so I turned down a free ticket, but it was a last minute
thing and it's raining anyways, but really I was kind of nervous about
going dressed up and as for going as a guy -ehh, the Twins really suck
right now, and I'd feel awkward

My friend did get released (Drag #6), I called her and she seems OK,
all things considered and I tried to put her in touch with someone,
but my own situation is so bad that there's really not anything
tangible I could do - so many people I know are really going
through really tough times, and its just unrelenting

anyways I'll be dressed up tomorrow so I'll post Sunday,
then I'll put this stupid blog back on ice until Friday
(the next time I'll be dressed up) -I'm going to go shave,
and shave, and shave for tomorrows date, then go do
some jamming

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFRbZJXjWIA

I have an interview with a recruiter in a bit - I actually made the initial
contact at a job fair, where I was dressed as a woman, but I'm going
to show up for this interview dressed as a guy - funds are really tight
right now and I have to take my best shot at getting a job when I can
get an interview

I'm telling my fellow band members about a gig at Pride this year-
which is really exciting, I all ready emailed the singer -so he knows,
I'm pretty sure they know I'm gay but probably not that I'm trans,
and you don't have to be gay to play music the stages at Pride,
 I talked to someone who runs one of the stages and played
some of our recordings and got offered a chance to play and
now I have to sell the idea to the band but it's great exposure.

I haven't decided if I want to play Pride in Drag or not
but I really, really want to play with my band at Pride -
if I dress as a guy, whatever, but playing with my band
that would be something, so tonight that's what I'll be doing
then practicing for the Friday night gig with the guys

I'm going to call a friend of mine later tonight too, there's not much
I can do, but I'm trying to put her in contact with someone who
might be helpful at some point, so I'll try that again and just
call and try to come up with something intelligent to say

I'm going to church on Sunday, of course, but I don't plan on dressing up,
so unless I get a job in the mean time, I probably wont be posting until
May 4th (the next time I'll dress up)

so I'll be working out and riding my bicycle, and walking the dog,
and who knows maybe actually get some fishing in

PS - you'll get a kick out of this
it just happened about a half hour ago

Drag #7

I posted an ad on Craigs list
Cross dresser looking to date
there was a photo and everything
I know it's a little dangerous
and the guys are all creeps
but its clearly spelled out
 it's just a date
and we'd meet in a public place

if I wasn't so broke and lonely
I'd agree - girl you're crazy

anyways
I got a response!
from the guy who stood me up a couple weeks ago
there was a photo and everything
I couldn't believe it
he didn't recognize me,
obviously
I had on a different wig

I wrote back
"you're kidding me, right?
you're an idiot."

Drag #6

4:44 am

Obviously I can’t sleep

I got a call last night when I was charging my phone

No one ever calls me at night, so why not charge my phone at 7pm?

I won’t use her name, but she left a message

She was being held in an institute,

the message was a phone number where she could be reached, visiting hours, 

she asked if I could call her

Obviously I did

She wasn’t sure who I was

 then she says “Oh. Stacy, of course”

She asks if it is Tuesday, unsure

The conversation is brief,

I first met her in group, she sat next to me

Showed me pictures of herself

A guy who managed a car dealership

And drove race cars on the weekend

He was muscular, good looking, weighed 225 pounds,

About what I weigh now

“so there is hope” I joked

I show her my pilot’s license

I just dress for fun I explain, which is sort of true

She is about 140 pounds and very pretty

She lives as a woman and passes, at least I think so

She not sure

She’s competitive and opinionated, and smart and  frustrating  

and  I know I kind of like her

She wants  to talk about how hard it is to transition, 

and ultimately manages to get asked to leave, 

making a comment about me in the process

Which kind of hurt,

So I remember meeting her, and knowing I kind of liked her

I was dressed up in a bar watching a drag show, when I saw her next

By the pool table with a friend – I thought about going over

But decided not to, I was afraid

I was at the Mall of America when I saw her next

I was in a very pretty outfit I bought at Macy’s and had on to go to a Job Fair

I was handing out my resume – I’m not full time, I’m not on hormones,

But I wanted to do this –it was scary walking in the door, but it went well

I was proud of myself and was now ready for lunch

I was sitting there eating, when she walked by and sat at a nearby table

I thought about it for about five minutes

Then casually walked over and said hi

We chatted, she was waiting for a friend, and she showed up

And sat with us, it was a very enjoyable chat and we exchanged numbers

She was starting a her new job, the pay wasn’t so good but it’s a job,

And I thought that was exciting, especially being able to go to work as a woman

I give her a lift to a clinic for the pre-employment drug test

At  the next job fair I went to I called and talked before I went in

It boosted my confidence

And of course she would remind me that I could always take the dress off

And get a job as a guy

I’m  looking for a job as a guy too I reminded her

But I really wanted to say at least I tried

She called me last Tuesday and asked what I was doing

I wanted to go to a blues jam, sign up and play my harmonica,

I would go dressed as a guy

It’s still too scary for me to let my musician friends know about this,

Even at a jam I’ve never been to there’ll be someone I know  casually

and then there are the drunks

I picked her up and she was dressed casually but she looked very pretty

Not that it was a date or anything, we’re just friends

We go in the bar and I sign up for the jam

I meet a musician I know slightly, and we talk, on his last CD

One of the guys on the CD  was a man when they started the CD

had a sex change and was a woman when it was completed ,

I couldn’t make this up

I sat with my “date”, chatted  

and waited  for my turn to play with the band

she gets up to get a drink, 

 at the bar,some guy approaches her,  

and when she orders A meal some guy approaches her

she’s very pretty and it’s not a date and stuff

but still I mean, I am dressed as a guy and everything

anyways I get up and play and take her home afterwards

and she has to get up early for work the next day

then Saturday I’ve asked a friend to go to a play with me

(I sometimes get tickets for next to nothing)

She’s not feeling well so I call  about going to the play

I get the machine and leave a message

I call again  she answers

She’s not on the lease, her partners moved out,she’s not on the lease

They want to evict her, the social worker is coming over and she has to

Stay in the apartment until she arrives

I go and  see a play and have a good time

I get a call Tuesday

I call back

“Today is Tuesday”  I say, helpfully

I got plenty of nothing - I'm out of money now, just about,

 so I won't be dressing up at all for a while and I'm going to 

only post after I dress up or when something significant happens

so who knows when I post next - 

but I did email the singer of my band about some potential gigs

and kind of officially came out, in the process, so I'm waiting

to hear where that goes

got an email from a guy who wants to meet me at the Townhouse, 

so why not? if I get stood up again I'll be dressed up in a gay bar

and Lord knows there's no way I could get into trouble walking

around wearing a dress in a gay bar (sigh)

Obviously I didn't get an offer from the job I had a second interview 

for so I keep looking, and there's still another job I'll be on the list for,

so I just need to keep looking

so I wanted to close out the 6 month stretch with one last poem

which will be Drag #5

Drag #5

I'm at Hidden Falls park in St Paul, waiting for a friend

we play music together, or we did 

until he disappeared,

he's been depressed

he called me the other day, 

today is Sunday, Earth Day, 

I suggested we go to a drum circle

at Hidden Falls park, on Sunday, 

I'm running late, I've never been there, 

but he can't find it either, 

 I get there first

I walk over to a pointlessly milling

about crowd of vaguely hippiesh looking people 

with an odd assortment of African looking drums

the email said it would start at 2, it's now 5, 

I don't think they will be starting anytime soon,

but I'm pretty sure this is the drum circle

I'm wearing girls beige colored jeans, a girls blouse,

makeup, a dark brown wig 

brown boots with 3" heels

and slinging a bodhran in a case over my shoulder

oddly I'm not nervous walking up to this group,

a girl is cutting fire branches for the bonfire later

I offer to help, but she explains she's just started sawing,

she saws the branch, or tries to

 but is slides around on the log that it rests on. 

 I offer my foot -

my boot heel actually 

to hold it in place

the notch of my boot heel is the perfect size and shape for

stepping on the branches she's sawing -like a vise my 

boot heels hold the branch in place she saws through 

the branch, quickly -next, I step on branch again 

and again she saws through the branch we repeat this

several times -we are a good team - her strong arms,

my sexy boots with the 3" heels

if anyone ever asks you what practical use heels have

now you know

my friend D- arrives

 I walk over. 

this drum circle won't be starting any time soon we both agree

D- wants to walk, so we walk

he's depressed and wants to quit smoking pot - 

it helps with the depression but it also doesn't 

not any more

I've quit smoking pot, 

I quit a 12 pack a day beer habit,

I quit a 2 pack a day cigarette habit and gained 50 pounds

I talk about how it took so much out of me,

how hard it was, it was scary, and hard

impossibly hard

I talk about coming out about being trans, walking out in

public in a dress, how hard that was, how unimaginably

impossible that was -it was a mountain, I say, that was 

impossible to face, you can't imagine 

but I'm smiling, and I'm walking along with my friend

and people are walking by and it all seemed OK at the time,

which is weird, me smiling, laughing, dressed like a woman,

talking about how impossible it was, how depressed I was,

you can't imagine how depressed I was, you just can't,

how hard it was to quit, how unbelievably impossible it

was to let people see me dressed up, I laugh and people

walk by and hear me laugh, 

what do I care, I'm talking to a friend

I knew what caused my depression, 

 I knew exactly why I was depressed facing that mountain,

 that mountain of impossibility of never, ever being me, 

and shrinking back into the mind numbing depths of the hopelessness 

relieved only by getting stoned out of existence 

D- talks about his depression, facing the morning, how hard

it is in morning, being so tired, so depressed 

he talks about his fiance, his job, his wonderful son,

we talk about ideation versus making plans, 

he knows exactly what I'm talking about 

and why -if that line is ever crossed,

(it's unstated, but understood) 

I joke about my last job and the first thing I thought

literally when I woke up every morning was

"Fuck!"

I laugh -it's funny, but God I hated that job, all the hiding

repressing, depression, fear

I had to quit

but it was scary

I talk about going to church,

my gay church where I got to meet gay people,

well I didn't actually met them, but I sat in the same room 

with them and that helped at the time

it's not a very religious message 

but it's helped me

being around people is important

not shutting them out

I've been doing that

D- says

They should support you I suggest

but he disagrees, and feels he's been ignoring people

or not returning their calls and shouldn't do that

I nod and walk on

we talk some more 

and make our way back to the drum circle

which still hasn't started, 

of course

So we decide to start our own jam

I get my dulcimer, 

because I want him to hear me play my new instrument

and my harmonicas (of course) and a tin whistle

and a couple bath towels (because I don't want

to get grass stains on my girly jeans)

he brings a couple drums and a guitar

we jam

it's a lovely spring evening

as we start to play a mother and her child

come over the child is fascinated

"He's a boy, right? how old is he? about two?"

"he's one" his mother tells me

I play my harmonica and D- lets the boy 

bang on his drum 

the drum circle starts up in the background

a persistent rhythm 

I adjust my jamming to this new beat

the boy bangs on the drum 

he's in 4/4 time and keeping the beat,

he starts bobbing up and down in time,

dancing

it's hilarious

I'm laughing, D-'s laughing, the mother's laughing 

the boy looks at us

and goes back to dancing

in a bit the father will come over

he was down by the river

he will have a camera around his neck 

and a daughter

my foot will have fallen asleep and I'll need to stand up

and stomp my heels into the grass 

the spell will be broken

D- will need to get home.

but he'll hug me before he goes

and he's smiling when he leaves

in a bit I'll be standing there 

alone 

looking at the drum circle

afraid to go over

feeling like an outsider

an intruder

unsure of whether to go over and join in 

or not

I'll feel that vague fear

but I give in to that fear and

get in my truck and go home

but that's all in a bit

right now,

thing's are OK

So that's what I wore today, except I changed to a black blouse and a
 brown suede jacket, which matched the boots nicely.  The service was good
and a couple different guys asked me about what I thought about the play
I'd seen yesterday (they were there also) -so the first question was
what was it all about? (the play is Time Stands Still) I thought that the
key scene was where the two female actors were talking about whether
as a photographer you should interfere (to save someones life or alter events)
but I thought that was an interesting comparison between a woman who
goes into being directly  very involved ( as a mother with a child)
versus a career woman who is working for a social good by not getting
involved personally, just witnessing it as a photographer -so two
people two very different paths, and neither is right or wrong -so that was
an interesting dynamic as as the one woman grew into her motherhood role
and the other recovered from her injury and worked towards going back
to doing her photo journalism - and as I told someone else who asked me I thought
it was good, but it was a very feminine oriented play -the two male actors
were pretty superficial and secondary, and not very interesting, so if I'd
been identifying with the male actors I might not have liked it as much,
but hey I was all dolled up, so I got to root for the girls yesterday....
anyways I liked it, they weren't so sure

A friend of mine showed up late for service, she got a ride over after she
hit a pot hole and blew out two tires (both on the same side) -she asked
me for a ride home after service and of course I agreed, so we're talking
about it and she says she was very lucky to have been able to safely pull
over afterwards, and I said it was a good thing she was on the way to
church when it happened ( blowing out two tires both on the same side
is a very dangerous thing, and that's a serious pothole, so to be safe
like that is good fortune)

I called a guy friend (not a boy friend, a guy friend) about going to a drum circle
so that was my objective for the day to go to a drum circle.  I had some
time to kill so I went over to the Bell Museum (no it's not full of bells, it full
of stuffed animals, very 19th century -dioramas with stuffed birds and mammals,
it's actually pretty interesting and free on Sundays)

as I'm walking past a bar a couple college age guys are sitting outside a bar,
watching me, and I'm thinking oh no, here it comes, and one guy smiles and says.
"those are some killer boots!" and I say "oh. thank you" and smile back , but he
so young, I mean literally he may have been half my age, so he was just being
\nice, but it was fun

oh a little trivia, so I wound up using the restroom several times this weekend
(very unremarkable I will admit) but I didn't use the Men's restroom once all weekend,
it just feels too weird using the men's room when I'm all dressed up and it
doesn't seem to be a problem really -but I still avoid crowded Women's restrooms

Anyways after the museum I went over to the coffee house, and I have some very
good, top secret news -and I'm going to hold off on the news because it involves
other people -but it's very exciting news but some other people I know have to
agree to do it -it's very exciting

So by this time it's time to meet my guy friend for the drum circle, so I drive
over there and there are a bunch of people there, some drums, but no drum
circle yet, just people milling around, so me and my friend go for a walk and
talk about stuff, and come back and still no drum circle so we decide
to go off a little ways and start our own jam (just sitting on some towels
on the grass) and we're playing when a mother brings her one year old
child over and the kid is super cute and fascinated with the music and
he's barely able to stand but he's dancing, and everyone is laughing watching
this -so that was fun and by this time the drum circles started but it's gotten
pretty late and my friend gives me a hug and head home and I think about
going over to the drum circle and joining in, but it's late, I've been in drag
for almost 11 hours now, and besides, I'm kind of a chicken when it comes
to meeting people, so yeh I kind of chickened out and didn't actually
join in on the drum circle, I don't know -sometimes I just chicken out
what can I say, but what ever, it was a fun day


PS -this is funny

Spirit Airlines issued an apology and pulled a racy ad spoofing the Secret Service Colombian prostitution scandal that many people found offensive.

The Secret Service said Friday that three of its agents under investigation for allegations of misconduct in Colombia have resigned, NBC News reported. In all 12 agents have been implicated, including one who was "cleared of serious misconduct" but will still face administrative action, the agency said.

Spirit Airlines' ad featured women in pink bikinis around an agent implying secrecy and the slogan "More Bang for your Buck" for flights to Cartagena, Colombia – the location of the scandal – as well as other destinations.

of course it's the Secret Service that should be apologizing, and I haven't heard that.

I went to see "Time Stands Still" at the Guthrie -you can see what I wore 

brown skirt, purple top, brown ankle high boots with the 4" heels.

I wanted to go with a transwoman friend, but she's still recovering

from some minor surgery, and so I called another transwoman friend 

who had some pressing business and couldn't go, so I went by myself,

but bumped into someone from the church and so I ended up sitting

with them -and that was nice.  The play is really good, and I enjoyed

it.  I talked to a couple guys who also go to the church afterwards, then 

ran in the rain in my heels out to my truck.  Having no where to go and no

money, and wanting to go somewhere out of the rain, I picked the 

Minneapolis Institute of Arts -which is free and always worthwhile

A Japanese lady and an American guy where giving a demonstration

 about the Tea Ceremony and they were very nice to me, so that was

fun, I wandered around a bit but soon it was closing time -so I went home

the total cost for the day was $4 that I'd all ready spent, I parked for

free, and I found $12 in my purse, and I shamelessly mooched a few bites

of a rice crispy bar during the intermission (actually he offered and I of

course accepted, since I was hungry) I really, really wanted to go dancing

but I would have had to hang out for several hours and actually spend

money, so I went home and I'm back in boy mode now

Church tomorrow and maybe jam with a friend I haven't seen in several

weeks again - that would be fun and then maybe go to a drum circle

in a park in St Paul, which also would be fun too

Stacy Wilderness' semi-annual poetic posting

After this weekend, I won't be able to get dressed up for an indefinate

time (until I start a new job and get some money coming in, whenever

that happens) so since this is the end of my dressing up for now, I wanted

 to consolidate my Drag series into one post -so here it is:

 "Drag #1, #2, #3, and #4"

Drag - #1

Monster comes in the room
"are you the only one here"
"as far as I know"

I like the black gown,
not the one June likes so much,
the other one,
it's pretty

I'll wear the silver sandals
with the three inch heels with it
in drag, 3" heels are like flats
but they're pretty

I have to be careful walking up stairs
the gown is so long the heels can catch
the hem of the gown
and rip

I had to sew a three inch tear
the last time I wore this gown

Nina comes in the room
in guy mode
I don't know her guy name,
so she's Nina to me,
"any one else here?"
"Not yet"

She doesn't say anything
but she's not thrilled
I'm not a drag performer
even an amateur drag performer
I'm a musician
who wears a dress

they tolerate me here
but I'm not one of them
I'm different

that's the one constant in my life
every where I go,
every one I meet
I can always say
I'm different

Lucy Furr arrives
all ready painted
in her new black vinyl body suit
and platform heels,
she projects confidence
and power

She wears black lipstick
with glitter on her lips,
oddly, it's very pretty

I'm wearing hip pads and
a corset under my gown
the corset is pink and black
boned,
it ties off in the back
even with the corset, and girdle and
boobs and make up and wig
and every thing,
I look like a guy

but I walked over to the bar
in drag
in public,
a guy helped me carrying my stuff
and I let him kiss me on the cheek
in the bar
and that felt nice

I cinch up the corset
I ask Lucy for help tie-ing me off,
and I thank her

it's odd,
standing around in my girly under things
but I'm trying to be "one of the guys"
getting ready with the other performers,
letting them see me in various states
of undressed,
perhaps even with my wig off

it's a small crowd and it's just Nina,
Lucy Furr and me
after the first set I'm upstairs in the dressing room
with Lucy Furr
"Well at least you'll win the fifty dollars"
I say as I help her out of her black vinyl
body suit, her shoulders sweaty,
she's still panting from her last performance
it's small consolation
but it's all I have to offer 

Drag #2

No! No! No way! No! he screams at me
By this time I'd gotten used to walking on the sidewalk
in the grey/green wedges - just slightly greenish
but it seemed appropriate for St Patricks day
NONONO you are not a woman NO WAY!!!
at the parade a mother with her children looked at my blouse
and said "it's not really green!"-it was a very funny thing to say
and I laughed (it was turquoise -I don't have a green blouse)
it was nice that she said that and that she, her husband and
children sat next to me during the parade,
You're a man! You know that don't you?
she shook hands with the Mayor of St Paul
I was a few feet away, the Mayor looked in my eyes and nodded
but he did not shake my hand, and I didn't offer it,
but I respect the Mayor
Let me see your penis! she screamed from the window of the bus
I'd worn the wedges before at the Gay90s drag competition
but not out on the sidewalk and it had taken a mile or two
walking around during the day to really get used to the
difference between wedges and heels
Dude you're a guy!
but I walked purposefully and my stride was even and
deliberate -it was important not to feel fear and I didn't
something my brain was wired for - to walk confidently,
purposefully, gracefully, not to fight, not to run
just to walk away - gracefully 
Hey Honey,
Hey you, the sweetheart
I'm talking to you!
I hold my purse close to my side, hold my head up and walk on
You're disgusting
Only 6 more blocks to go........ 

Drag - #3

Smash

my dog jumps away from the window startled and scared
the mirror lies shattered, the plastic moulding
torn clean off from the door
I pull in front of the bus and park the truck
Damn


a lady pulls alongside and rolls down her window
"Are you OK?"
"I'm fine"
"was he pulling out?"
"no, no, he was stopped, I just hit him"
"that's a beautiful dog you have, you really need to 
keep her in back. if the airbag had gone off it would
have killed her I'm sorry but it's true'
the car slowly pulls away


I take the insurance card from the visor
and reach for my purse.
I take my man's wallet
from my woman's purse 
and find my drivers license


I get out of the truck and walk over the the bus,
the door is closed
the glare on the window makes it hard to see into the bus
I walk over to the drivers window I walk back to the door
it's closed -I'm confused - not from the accident 
I was wearing a seat belt and only going 10 mph,
I'm confused from the aftermath - of what to do next and
from being in a skirt and stuff and from going around
smashing into buses with my truck like some crazy person,
and from a big white bus with it's doors and windows closed


I walk over to the mirror lying in the road and pick it up,
I'm not worried about looking delicate,
I pick up the stupid mirror, walk back 
and dump it uncerimoniously it in the bed of the pickup 
I walk back to the bus,
the bus door is open


On the bus I give my license and insurance card to the driver
he calls in that he's been in an accident 
then we have to wait
it's procedure


soon the 7 or 8 people on the bus are antsy,
"let's go!" someone says 
"we have to wait" the driver says
"there'll be another bus coming along" 
"if you want to take that"
he opens the doors
the people walk off the bus
walk past me 
the crazy guy in a dress
and wait for the next bus to come along
it arrives shortly afterwards


"It was good that the people got off, they won't
claim whiplash" he explains, "these things
happen" he says seeing how nervous I am
we wait and talk a little and wait


I find out that he sees about two or three trans people
a day on his routes - I find that interesting
to each his own is his philosophy on that
we wait


The Metro Transit Police arrive and take my information
again,
they take pictures, fill out reports
They're nice to me but official
The supervisor arrives
and he takes pictures
of the rear view mirror
of the black scuffed dent
in the rear of the big white bus


they give me an accident report
and a citation for an expired license
I can't move the truck
someone has to come and get it 
or they'll tow it away


It can't be expired, because it isn't 
it was a snafu last time I went to 
get my license renewed but it's all
straightened out I have the letters at home
nobody believes me
but it's true 
but it doesn't matter 
I panic,
my parents don't drive, 
I don't have any friends
they're going to tow the truck
and I don't have any money to pay for that
I want to die
what a disaster


I go sit in the truck
with my dog


I remember my cell phone and tell them
there might be somebody I could call
I call a woman friend (who is trans) 
She has been supportive in the past,
but we've drifted apart,
we're still friendly,
but it feels like we've drifted apart, 
and I don't really go around asking for help
it's so awkward
and all
I'm pretty much a loner
and being isolated is how I get by
I just take it for granted
you don't ask for favors from people


but what else can I do
I call and she answers, she'll come pick me up
"Thanks" I say


I wait in the truck
and pat my dog
and play my dulcimer
and play my harmonica
and wait, 


I'm playing my harmonica 
with the door open,
the dog on a leash tied to the door
sitting on the sidewalk
Somehow I don't feel very sexy right now,
but I give her kiss on the cheek
(later, she's mad at me for being so cold,
what can I say? nothing, thanks, I'm sorry
nothing - I don't go around asking people for 
help, really, and all I really wanted right then was to
just get out of there




An officer gives her the keys,
I get in the passenger side,
she gets in the drivers side, starts the truck
and drives away. 

Drag #4

I sit on a bench in my blue skirt
and matching blue jacket
and fumble in my purse for the phone

I open it and look at the time
I put it back in the purse
again

I pull the hem of my skirt down
I glance at my ankle-high black boots
with the peek toe
and the 4" heels

I'm not really dressed for sitting
at the Mall of America
on a painted steel bench, alone

I've been sitting and waiting for 10 minutes,
some people walk by and don't notice me,
some notice me and walk by, some stare,
nobody smiles,
you don't smile at the guy in the blue dress
waiting, 

I text "@ the Mall"

I thought I was meeting someone
he said he would be here
but he's not here
I'm pretty sure he's not coming
but I'm waiting
just to be sure,

I might not be a woman,
or a real woman or whatever
but he'll never ask me out again
and I want to make sure I remember
what it was like, just in case he ever does
in a state of drunken masculine stupidity,
I want to remember
I want it etched in my brain
"You coward!"

the neurons and neurotransmitters
and psychologically effecting chemicals
floating across the synapses in my brain
do their work and form that memory,
etch it in my brain

sitting and waiting alone

so I sit and I wait alone

I take the phone out of my purse and text
"I won't wait any longer"
stand up
and walk out