So one year ago I was pretty seriously depressed and bottled up and all,
I had terminated gender therapy sessions with Willow Counseling in St Paul
because it was so bad, and I was being misdiagnosed and it was a disaster,
I was working at a minimum wage job part-time at nights, and getting some
calls from some social deviant by the name of Mr Williams from NCO who
was demanding I pay him 50% of everything I made or he'd garnish my wages
- of course I had them garnish my wages ( The Department of Education then
took 10% of everything I made after taxes - it was about $8 a week,
seriously this guy called in the effing government to garnish my wages
so he could get the equivelant of a Big Mac once a week from me!
So I know what it's like to be treated like shit when you wind up totally isolated
and unable to express yourself (and therefore defend yourself)
But I was in school full time as I said and I was trying to get over my
embarrassment about going into gay bars and watching drag shows ( it would
still be 7 months before I myself began going out in public dressed as a woman)
and for some bizarre reason, I decided that I wanted to start going to church.
so I went to one church, then another church, then I went to the church
I go to now (All God's Children which as I say is a Gay church) -obviously
I didn't go dressed up, I just showed up, and sat in back, and no one talked to me
-but I went and next week I went again (and I sat in back and no one talked to me,
and the next week..you get the picture)
Anyways now I'm a member and I volunteer and I meet people and some of
them are friends and we say hi and hug and I dress up as a woman and do this every
Sunday and it's fun and its good to have these positive experiences -but I'm still broke
(I've been meaning to talk to God about that), I'm still not too terribly religious
(read my last post if you doubt me), and I'm still struggling a bit with how to live
one's life being gay and trans and poor (and unemployed now) but there've been
some gains, and I think going to church (especially a GLBT affirming church) is a
good thing, even if ,well I'm not the best example of that point.
ANYWAYS ONE YEAR AGO FROM YESTERDAY AT TRANS-HONEY
I made this post:
I'm a little rusty, but it is fun, so why not - my therapist was down on internet stuff,
but then -well I'm just going to drop the whole Gender Therapy subject- what a joke -
I'm going by the name Stacy Wilderness over at Rachel's this time around.
So I went to a predominately LGBT church on Sunday, and it was really interesting
(in a good way). The service itself is pretty typical, but you look around and there
are a whole bunch of identifiable LGBT people in attendence. That would include
some identifiable transgender people - that is something me and my therapist were
in total disagreement about -I think it's crucial if you go through all that -that in the
end you're able to pass as a women - I really wouldn't be comfortable living as
an identifiable transgender person, and if that meant losing 100 pounds or
whatever it took that's fine, but if I was identifiable transgender, there's no way
I'd go through with it, I'd just go out at night in drag -that's where the cross-dresser
diagnosis came from (not that I was cross dressing to obtain sexual arousal -which is
a cross dresser does, but that I was contemplating dressing as a woman and going out
publicly as a woman, either full time (if I could pass), or part-time in drag
(if I couldn't pass) -I still find the diagnosis bizarre -that and my therapist was
frustrated and wanted to call me a sissy, but couldn't -I know I said I'd drop the
Gender Therapy stuff - so that's the end of it, really).
so I am totally off topic now -Church - so yeh I actually made it to church, and I went
to an LGBT church this time, but I really thought it was a place were I sort of
fit in - I consider myself to be one of the least identifiable people there, but then
that's my opinion, and whether I'm identifiable or not is beside the point, because
I self-identify as LGBT, and this is a church that is accepting of me and my beliefs.
The Church practices an open communion (open meaning anyone in attendance can
take communion). At first I thought I'd just remain seated for this part of the service,
but I decided to participate - the service is based on an event at the Last Supper,
just before the death of Jesus, where Jesus gives his Apostles bread as His body
to eat, and wine (or unfermented white juice of the grape -giggle -it is a LGBT service)
as His blood to drink So this isn't something to take lightly, there is a lot of symbolism
in drinking Christ's blood. But it seemed right at the time, and so I got up and took
communion. I was glad I did - I think it gives me more of a connection to this church,
and I left feeling pretty good about the whole service, so yeh if you get a chance,
check it out. There are a few LGBT churches around, and I'm going to try and make
it a weekly thing - Sunday 10 am, I go to church.
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