up before everyone and made it official. It's a gay church, and for me
coming out as both gay and trans was really important - it just doesn't
make any sense to come out as gay and try to hide still that I'm trans,
so I was pretty happy and very comfortble about joining the church,
and it was the thrd week I've come to the service dressed up so it
was not a big deal but it was -for me acknowlidging that I really am
trans and that this is the way I need to be living and is what God wants
me to do and what I have to do to be happy and find fullfilment in life
has really been a struggle - so joining the church as a trans person
really was a big deal, and being accepted as such really is important,
but the actual moment was sastisfying and I was kind of proud but
it wasn't a big deal -it seemed like it was a natural thing for me to do,
so yeh, I think I'm starting to genuinelly accept myself.
I was going to wear my black dress with the gold trim, but I went
shopping at Walmart (dressed up of course) and bought a pair
of black pants size 18, and a couple blouses and ended up
wearing them instead - the pants fit OK but I needed a belt
still to wear them so I'm going to buy the size 16's this week
and I'm really sure they'll fit better - so I started out thinking
I was a size 20 and I really am a size 16 - my body image is
a disaster because size 16 is really not big for a woman my age,
and there is nothing I can do about age. Top side I'm size
16, but if it has narrow sleeves I need to go to size 18 or
pick a different outfit - my forearms are bigger than a girl
my size will have, and a womans size 12w is a classic
tranny give away big hands, big feet) but if I can get
to the point where maybe I'm recognizable as genetically
a man but truly wants to be accepted as a woman, and
will present and act according to those rules most
people will accept me on thise terms and that
would be wonderful, then if I could just find a boy friend...
but anyways so I actually wore pants, but they were misses
pants and a blouse and it was obvious that I was presenting
myself as a woman, but I didn't actually wear a dress, but
I looked pretty.
So I went downstairs for coffee after the service and got invinted
to a meal at a trans woman's home and of course I accepted
and gave a lift to one of the other guests and drove over to her
home and spent several hours there and had a truly delicious
meal but it was home cooking which meant we sat there for
quite a while, her guests talking, everyone smelling the food
as it cooked, seeing pictures of her friends and family and
a recent trip, me having little conversations here and there,
and she had a pair of new size 12 sandals, that she gave to
me and of course I'm so new to finding shoes that fit I put
them on and wore them around for the rest of the afternoon
they are really cute, and I really like looking down and seeing a
cute pair of womans shoes on my feet - it's one of those
aesthethic things - I look down at the shoes and the stockings
and it looks pretty, and its like as a guy I never ever got to wear
things like this and it really brings me an enjoyment -it's not in
any way a sexual enjoyment, I'm wearing a tight enough girdle
thst getting as hard on would be pretty uncomfortable -
but it is possible to really enjoy things and find pleasure in
how you look and how people look at you with out it
being a masculine sexual thing - that's a really superficial,
thing the whole boy thing, and this seems more part of
the whole entirety of who I am as a person - and just
sitting around someones home, dressed up and being
accepted as one of the guests waiting for a home cooked
meal, occasionally glancing down at my new sandals,
and just sitting around listening and talking a little was really
a whole lot of fun.
So I went home and was pretty much exhausted so I went to bed
early. Monday I'm in boy mode and I don't shave and Tuesday
I don't shave and I'm in boy mode again but I'm starting electrolysis,
so I'm not sure that really counts as being in boy mode.
Wednesday is the trans support group and if I can find a good backing track
for me to play harmonica on , I'll give the amatuer drag contest another try
I won't win but I don't care if I can find a good song to show off my
musical abilities.
Thursday I'm playing out as a boy musician
Friday is therapy and I want to discuss going into Gender Therapy
again ( which is scary after the last time, but
my last therapist truly was a horses ass, and this time around
it's a lot more obvious what the situation is) then I'll go out in drag,
Saturday is a cross-dresser potluck then over to a
screening of genderf*kation and a trans panel discussion
at the MCC church 3100 Park Ave)
Sunday is church service then the day of remembrance
service (if I go) at the Spirit of the Lakes church and I
don't have that adress handy, but I've only been trans
for a month, so I'm 100% sure I really feel I "fit in"
as a trans person at this event, but as a supporter
of what it stands for, I mean seriously I'm 100%
in support of the girls and there right to live as they
need to and the total immorallity and horror that people
get killed because they have to try and live in
a non conforming gender rule - I'm completely
in support of this, but I think presenting myself
as a trans person at this event, I'd be a bit of
a poser, so I'll probably go in boy mode
just because while I'm trans I'm not trans like they
are - living it day in, day out for years and really
facing some of those dangers and all -so I'd
like to go in drag of course, but I'll probably
go as a guy, but maybe I'll go in drag, I don't
know yet.
anyways busy week ahead.
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