Transformative Honeymoons

I've set up an appointment right after Christmas to try the gender therapy again.
It's scary, it went really badly last time.  A bad therapist can cause a lot of
damage in a hurry, but luckily I recognized it was going wrong, actually I
shouldn't take too much credit, my body was being wracked with anxiety
attacks after the third and fourth sessions, my stomach was churning in knots,
my heart was pounding in my head, I was all twisted and tangled up,
 I was so sick that I just couldn't do that anymore,
God, she was an idiot of a therapist -it was just the biggest disaster,
and I was miles and miles away from being me and inside I could
just see me and my life disappearing - I mean I had to stop I literally physically
couldn't keep going - I was just getting to sick and it was obvious,
the whole episode was a disaster

Hopefully this time it will be different. Cetrainly I have built a support
structure of trans and gay people that I know and can turn to and
talk about a lot of things, this time I wont be trying to imagine what
I would look like trying to pass as a woman, I'll have a pretty good
idea that I can't pass as a woman, but I can function comfortably
as a trans person who will act like a woman and expects to be
treated as a woman (that's a huge difference)
I've really recognized that there is no way I'm ever going to "make it"
as a man, I'm just way too different than men,I've tried and failed at
that way too many times now -I have less faith in saying that
I could live successfully as a man than I have that I could flap my
arms and fly around the room -it just isn't going to happen,

so things are different. and hormones do a lot of really wonderful
things to your body and your face if you've grown up and lived your life
thinking that these changes should have taken place naturally,
but they never did,

Anyways I've set up an appointment and second time thru and a year
later and somethings really have changed and become more clear in my
mind so Im hopeful, but a little worried

Amateur drag show contest tonight - I'm doing "Landfall" by Fleetwood Mac
again but I added some more instrumental sections for the harmonica.
Tommorrow I want to start looking for a job where I would be showing
up for work as a female/trans person from day 1 (I'd interview in drag)
I think if I want to go full time I have to just find a job where they accept me
from day 1 as who I am , so hopefully I have a short day tommorrow
at work and I can start on my new resume.

Take Care,