and the winner of the week #8 drag contest is:  Stacy!
(who me?) actually I wasn't too suprised -there's
two ways to look at this - the cynical way is to say well
gee Stacy you were the only girl entered (that's kind of
the way in boy mode I'd naturally think, and it'd rob me
of any feeling of accomplishment whenever I did
accomplish anything so here's the alternate gilry take
on it -  I was there competing, there were other people
who could have showed up, but they went once or
 twice or are waiting for an engraved invitation. or whatever
the bar was holding a drag contest and it needed
someone who wanted to show up and compete in drag,
and I wanted to show up, get all dolled up and play my
harmonica and I gave a good performance -  the crowd
got to see a show, the bar got to hold it's competition and
not cancel it because no one even bothered to show up
(for the $50 prize - I like cash prizes)  and it was a good
enough performance in fishbowl that I made another $10
in tips, so people were having fun, and I got to get up and
play my harmonica, and since I won this week, I
get to compete for the finals ($500 prize) - now OK
my chances are slim to none, but I will be playing my
harmonica in front of a bigger audience, and they'll
see what I'm doing is unique, an who knows?
probably nothing will come of it, but it is another chance,
and I'll get all dolled up, and do my best and smile
like I'm  having fun ( well that's the easy part)

anyways for next week I want to improve my act -
so I'm listening to some Etta James, looking for the right song
to play along to, and I got my new over the bust corset (very nice)
and I'll be going with hip pads (which I'll have to make this weekend)
and I'll be shopping for a really prettyu dress (well of course a pretty
dress is needed and maybe some Victoria's Secret lingerrie
for confidence, heheheheh, hmmmmmm)

anyways at the bar after my performances I had a long conversation
with a couple straight girls who were there for a bachlorette party,
and at some point in our discussion of fashion and beauty tips and
same sex marriage and courage and cabbages and kings, I wound
up taking my falseys out so they could see them which ended up
with one of the girls cupping her hands on my natural breast and
me resting my head on one girls breast and me feeling one of the
girls breast and we're all just talking away and all a little drunk,
and I'm thinking  at this point, this is a very silly conversation - I was
very tired by the end of the night though, and I had to be up
at 6am ( 3 hours sleep - I was sort of sober when the alarm
went off in the morning)

PS besides winning $50, I also got the OK to start using the
woman's restroom - using the  men's restroom when
you're in drag  is kind of serioulsly yucky -you get hit
on a lot - of course the assumption is that I'll just go
in and use the bathroom discreetly and leave which is
really all I want to do in any bathroom

I couldn't make this up - I was running late at work yesterday
and remembering what a disaster the last time I tried going
to a gender therapist was ( about a year ago) I really wanted
to go dressed up - I knew that anyone who sees whats going
on in going to agree that what I want makes sense for me, but
if I'm sitting there as a guy trying to explain things, well it'd be
deja vu all over again, so running late I went to plan b - I had all my
stuff in a bag I carry for such an emergency, but I was really late so
I needed a place along the way that I could walk in and change
and walk out -and  one place fit the bill, so I went to my church!
yeh, like I said I couldn't make this up - I do volunteer maintenance
stufff at the church so they recognize me  (even though I wasn't dressed
up and it is extremely rare that I go there not dressed up now) ,
but OK - I knock on the door , get the I almost didn't recognize you,
someone else I know walks in,asks "where's Stacy?" and I'm
going " in the bag here" , I go downstairs, do my maintenance
thing, change into my skirt and blouse, go to a bathroom put on my
makeup and wig and walk out and as I'm leaving who's there?
the pastor!  seriously - so I start talking about how I'm going
to the gender therapist for the first time and want to convince
the guy that I'm crazy (as if that should be a problem) - but
crazy in the right weay as we discuss (gender dysphoria) , and
I'm joking about how this may be the first sex change in the churches
basement, and I'm still rushing to get over to the therapist's office in
time.  I get there on time, and the session went really well and
I am very happy about how well it went and all ,
and I think coming in in a skirt and blouse did help, so it was worth
it, but how ridiculous -they were really cool about it at the church.
afterwards I drove over to a nearby gay bar for some fish and chips
 and then went home so a kind of odd day, but nice.

I go to my new gender therapist tommorrow.
I went 4 times to last my gender therapist, and it
really screwed me up - but I started going to
my gay church and ultimately started dressing
up and dressing up and going out in public,
joined my church, met many people, been
seeing a therapisit about coming out as gay
(it was always understood that I didn't want
to cover the trans-stuff until I was on more
stable ground), finished tech school and
started a new job, lost 50 pounds, and
probably more. 
The big thing is if I can get done with work
early enough I can get dressed up and drive
to his office and show up and he'll see immediately
that this is who I am comfortable being, and if
I can't get done with work early enough I will
walk in in my work clothes and still be comfortable
enough in boy mode to talk about how I've been living
and how good I feel about going out in public
and being myself and meeting people and trying
to live my life this way as much as I can, and I just
need to be honest about how I feel about myself
and who I need to be to make my future work,

but yeh I'm kind of nervous, and last time was
such a disaster but so much has changed -there
is so much that I take for granted now that would
have been impossible back then -it really is

different this time  - I pray this works out.

My first Christmas in drag was nice.  I wore the same outfit
I wore the other day to the musical, and started the day with
a quick walk then went to my church and did the maintenance
thing I volunteer for then I attended the service.
The service was enjoyable, and afterwards I went downstairs
for the community meal which was really good - I thought I was
going to be helping serve the meal but there were enough people
so I was off the hook (I'd kind of look forward to serving actually)
so I chatted nd ate and spent about an hour there before driving
to Como park and walked around the zoo in my powder blue
down coat ( very pretty) and my 4" heeled boots - so my calfs
are kind of sore right now after walking around for several hours
but it was fun I had lunch there and bought an inexpensive
necklace and a gift card.  had a meal over there too, and
one lady said she loved my boots, which I really enjoyed,
wo that was my Christmas -nothing special, but nice.

I went to the matinee performance of Rodgers and Hammerstein's
Cinderella, and it was a lot of fun.  I ended up wearing a brown
leather skirt (size 14, some nice hem details) , some brand new
brown shoes with 4" heels that are very fun ( and actually comfortable
to walk in) and the red top.  I have a powder blue down coat which
is really cute to wear when I'm outside and I bought some blue gloves
to go with it. Then a black purse completes the outfit.  Wearing comfortable
4" heels is way different than weqaring uncomfortable 4" heels and it's
hard not to feel kind of special walking down the street wearing these,
then you catch a look at yourself in the glass, and think "oh, very nice!"'
just a long, graceful pretty stride that looks really good - which has
nothing to do with the musical -sorry, but my tickets were up on the
mezzanine which meant that going in, during intermission and after
the show I had to go up or down the staircase wearing my heels and skirt
coat and I was feeling pretty graceful and enjoying these moments.-
ok sorry the play is a bit of fluff, with some cute songs that are well done,
Cinderella was very pretty and had a good voice and was quite graceful
as a dancer - the gowns at the start were bleh, and the gowns at the end
were very pretty (no suprise there)-the prince was of course handsome
and a good actor - the play was entirely predicatable, so I don't know
why I was crying at one point other than if you're a guy who get's all dolled
up like that you get to cry at a play even a silly one, but regardless I had
fun and enjoyed it and going to a play was really a big accomplishment.
The doorman holds the door and smiles at you ( very nice) the lady at
the will call was very nice to me and smiling too, at intermission I talked
to the usher about the shows she had been seeing, which was fun,
the couples next to me were very polite, one lady complimented me
on my shoes (yeah) and afterwards we both agreed that the show
was kind of wonderful so everyone was very friendly and smiling
and I'm still pretty sure I don't pass, so I'm still trying to get my head
to accept that I really can just put on a skirt and some makeup and go
out and just do anything any other woman would do and jsut be accepted,
it's an amazing thing -no one ever tells you this -you have to experience
it for yourself, but it's amazing,

I actually got dolled up pretty early and left at about 7:30 am drove to
Unique (a thrift store) where I bought several skirts, a couple 2 piece
outfits, the blue gloves I mentioned a couple necklaces  and a pair
of men's size 10 figure skates (I want to go figure skating in drag but
I'll have to get the skates sharpened and get some white boot covers)
I spent about $70.00 and about an hour and a half there.  There was
a store nearby I wanted to go to but they weren't open for a half hour,
and I didn't want to wait so I drove to St Paul and my luck continuing
I went to store that sells wigs and they weren't open either (but they
should have been -there was a number to call but I'll have to go
online for some more wigs I think) so I went across the street
to a shopping center and bought some size 12 soes with 4" heels
in black and in brown, and as a concession to the reallity of
living in Minnesota some boots without heels -just warm, safe
boots that are a little girly, but basically just boots that fit and are
warm (and aren't boys boots -yuch) 
Then I went over to the walmart to get some pantyhose, and some
makeup - I want to try some different eyelinersm because the pencil
is really difficult to use, and I need more nail polish (just because
I've been using it a lot) so I'm in the aisle looking at lipsticks and
some guy is there says to me ( without really looking at me)
"there sure is a lot here, it must be confusing finding anything"
and so I go "yes it's really confusing at first" and keep strolling
along to the next aisle as he's saying "oh, uh...thanks ma'am"
I got a chuckle out of that and I turned around to go back to
that aisle a few seconds later, and he was gone - so it was
pretty funny ( I really don't know enough to help someone
else out, and I don't think I was making fun of him, I hope
I wasn't, its just that's the way it happnened).
I drove to the show next, then after the show I went to
Perkins for a meal, and Iv'e gone a couple times to
Perkins in drag and both times the waitresses have been
very nice to me and both times I left then a very nice tip,
then I went to my electrolysis session and this was the
first time she's seen me dressed up, but she also
didn't write down on her new schedule that I had a
session, so rather than talking about how I looked we
were talking about wether I was on the schedule
(I was of course and it just took a half a minute to
straighten that out and start the session, anyways
so after the session my makeup was a disaster
(OK it was tears that ruined my makeup - but I don't
whimper and it only takes once or twice to wreck your
mascara and if I didn;t have mascara on no one would
ever know).  The progress is really slow, but it'll be worth
it not having to shave and beeing smooth, so I keep going.
By the time I got home it was 7:30 pm so that
marks my first official 12 hours in drag record and
it was a fun day -I'll be in boy mode until Christmas day
which should be another fun day

I entered thge week #7 drag contest and played really welll and the crowd was
getting into it, but fishbowl (round #2 where I end up dancing to some
pop song) didn't go too well.  The other girls were really good so, I didn't
mind losing other than 7 weeks in a row -yuck, boo, yuck,
not to be a bad sport because the other gilrs were much betterr dancers,
I'm jsut up there to get in drag and play my harmonica, but it's fun.
I got home at 2am and got up a 6am and had a full day today after a 12
hour work day yesterday, so I'm probably not getting dolled up tonight.
tommorrow is very exciting though - A live musical at the Ordway
(Cinderella) then another electolysis session, then I'll do some shopping,
so I'll be showing up for electrolysis "en femme" for the first time -she
knows I do it but she's never seen me, so that should be fun.
Then I'll probably go shopping rather than hit the bars -I'd like to do
more female stuff, and less gay male in a dress stuff.
Actually Christmas eve will be straight male in blue jeans with
the parents (I'm technically not even out about being gay with the
parents, but obviously it's an open secret - I mean no one ever asks
me if I have a girlfriend or things like that, then Christmas day I'll
spend a good bit of time at the church (dressed up of course) which
should be fun.

I'm going to buy a ticket for CInderella,(which is a musical at the Ordaway)
- I'm going alone, because boys don't seem very interested in me (sigh) ,
but I've been thinking about doing this all day, and I think I'm ready , and it's
really very exciting.  I'll go Friday, and I'll wear a gold silk blouse with a suede
leather skirt and black boots - it'll look better than it sounds, trust me, it's
a cute outfit.  Going alone in drag to a live theatrical performance is really
very exciting -so that'll be interesting (I'll go Friday night)
Drag contest tommorrow -it's odd but I've entered 6 of these and really haven't
even been hit on by any guys - I mean I'm not beautiful or anything but  the drag
show is a lot different than you'd think, and part of the reason I'm getting more
comfortable dancing for the people is the recognition that when I'm done I
really won't have to talk to the people the watching me, I can talk to the the
other performers, but there's an invisible wall between the performers and
the audience - I'd be pretty embarrassed if I thought the people watching would
talk to me afterwards, but they'll just sit there and watch the next act and
leave me alone, which is OK -I'l, play my harp again to Mannish Boy, because
I didn't have toime to practice this week.
I'm  looking forward to Chistmas day, but I'll save that for later -Christmas Eve
will be spent with my family, that's OK too, sort of ( well I'll get through it, but I'll
be in boy mode the whole day -yuck)
Anyways I have to buy a ticket.....

Sorry, nothing but boring girly stuff - I wore a really cute
white skirt and a red top (very Christmasy) with black
boots to church - there was a Christmas musical performance
by the choir instead of a sermon and it was a lot of fun,
after that I chatted with a couple people and joined
a church meeting for a new trans-church group -it's just
starting up but it's very worthwhile to be a part of this, so
that's worthwhile, then I offered to give another girl a ride
home, but we (as in me) decided we needed to go shopping
(I didn't need to twist her arm to much) anyways -I bought
a couple coats, a couple pairs of gloves and a necklace for
$70.00 - the one coat is really, really nice. After that I dropped
her off at her place then went to Como park and walked around
the garden (and made a quick tour of the zoo too).  I was
hungry so I stopped at the St Paul bar I go to and had a meal
and chatted a bit with a nice guy and his partner and ate my meal,
finished my beer and headed home and went back to dressing
as a boy, so it was a good day - I have to take care of a couple
things in boy mode though.

I went to Mall of America in drag and had no problems at all walking past the Security,
I was dressed in size 16 jeans, brown leather boots with a 2.5" heel, a brown suede
leather coat, matching purse and a purple top, so I looked pretty respectable, but
the security never even bothered looking at me as far as I could tell so, obviously
if you look outragous security might look at you suspicious, but if you try to present
youself as a woman and act like a lady, you shouldn't have a problem, at least I didn't.
I'm still too chicken to actually go in a store and try on a dress and buy one in a
retail setting -ie. a Macy's ,JC Penny's , something like that - the fear is that I'll be
dressed up all pretty and bring a pretty dress up to get a key to the ladies
changing room and then they send me over to the guys changing room, which would
suck, but I really want actual dresses to wear (I always think of dressing up as wearing
a pretty dress, not a skirt or a full length gown or an LBD or girls pants or whatever,
but an actual DRESS, so I think I'll go to Macy's and try on some dresses today
after church, and buy a nice one.
anyways like I said, I'm a chicken so I went to the underwater aquarium, which
is fun (I used to scuba dive a bit, and for many years I used to have aquariums
including a salt water tank with a lion fish - so this really is a destination museum
for me - I did enjoy it a lot) after the museum I went up to the food court to
Chilpoltes and that's a good meal, but if your wearing a corset, you are taking
your chances with a big boritto full of beans and everything.

To backtrack, Saturday I dressed up to see my therapist, went to the
Swedish museum (but got there about a half hour before it closed, so I
raced through some really lovely Christmas displays), then I went shopping
at a thrift store and bought a whole bunch of skirts and tops and nighties
for $70.00, then I went to the Mall of America (and the Underwater Aquarium),
then I got lost a little (well not lost, I uh, took the scenic route) and drove over
to the St Paul bar I go to, talked to a girls I've been running into at these trans
friendly places, and listened to some really excellent music before getting
up and playing a song with my harmonica - Erin and Jay are really good, and
playing with musicians of that caliber is just a blast, I did one song and some
more drinking and listening  and chatting but I was pretty sober on the drive home
(4 beers in 4 hours at the bar, but I'm a big girl) so it was a good night. 
I'm off to church this morning then I'm thinking I'll go into a Macy's and try on some
dresses and hopefully buy a couple.

I put in 12 hours at work, so I'm exhausted -it doesn't help that I got pretty
drunk at the drag contest and staggered in still wearing my very pretty new LBD
(little black dress) and black pumps at 2 in the morning and was up at 6,
oh well

I was pretty happy with my performances in week 6 ( two more then
my drag career will come to an end I'm guessing).
I have an electrolyis session tommorrow  then I'll get dressed up
and go see a drag show

I did have one guy hit on me pretty intensly, which was different,
but it's not a big deal, and when I went to talk to some other
girls he didn't pursue it further.  As has been happening a lot
lately the guys or in this case a guy will chat me up if I'm using
the men's room or in this case coming out of the men's room
(and of course I think using the mens room when I'm all dressed
up is totally gross and I just want to get business done and
get out of there)
I thought the black gown and the  LBD were really pretty, and
I thought I was going to be hit on by
guys if I wore something like that in public, but I really wan't at all,
(except when I'm coming out of the restroom, when I have zero
interest in being hit on)
I can sit at the bar, and no guy will come up to me, which
is good in a way, at least I'm not going to do something stupid,
but it would be nice to talk to a guy occasionally - I do talk to the
girls of course, but it's not the same....

I'm really tired so I'm going to sign off here

I've set up an appointment right after Christmas to try the gender therapy again.
It's scary, it went really badly last time.  A bad therapist can cause a lot of
damage in a hurry, but luckily I recognized it was going wrong, actually I
shouldn't take too much credit, my body was being wracked with anxiety
attacks after the third and fourth sessions, my stomach was churning in knots,
my heart was pounding in my head, I was all twisted and tangled up,
 I was so sick that I just couldn't do that anymore,
God, she was an idiot of a therapist -it was just the biggest disaster,
and I was miles and miles away from being me and inside I could
just see me and my life disappearing - I mean I had to stop I literally physically
couldn't keep going - I was just getting to sick and it was obvious,
the whole episode was a disaster

Hopefully this time it will be different. Cetrainly I have built a support
structure of trans and gay people that I know and can turn to and
talk about a lot of things, this time I wont be trying to imagine what
I would look like trying to pass as a woman, I'll have a pretty good
idea that I can't pass as a woman, but I can function comfortably
as a trans person who will act like a woman and expects to be
treated as a woman (that's a huge difference)
I've really recognized that there is no way I'm ever going to "make it"
as a man, I'm just way too different than men,I've tried and failed at
that way too many times now -I have less faith in saying that
I could live successfully as a man than I have that I could flap my
arms and fly around the room -it just isn't going to happen,

so things are different. and hormones do a lot of really wonderful
things to your body and your face if you've grown up and lived your life
thinking that these changes should have taken place naturally,
but they never did,

Anyways I've set up an appointment and second time thru and a year
later and somethings really have changed and become more clear in my
mind so Im hopeful, but a little worried

Amateur drag show contest tonight - I'm doing "Landfall" by Fleetwood Mac
again but I added some more instrumental sections for the harmonica.
Tommorrow I want to start looking for a job where I would be showing
up for work as a female/trans person from day 1 (I'd interview in drag)
I think if I want to go full time I have to just find a job where they accept me
from day 1 as who I am , so hopefully I have a short day tommorrow
at work and I can start on my new resume.

Take Care,

Almost 12 hours out in public in drag - it's very tiring,
I thoroughly enjoy it but it's very tiring and I had one of
those moments that I was like OK, let's call it anight,
and keep a pleasant memory rather than be all boy-boy
and set the 12 hour record. 
So I wore black size 16 jeans, black boots (about a 2-1/2 to
3" heel - I always wear heels in public, unless I'm on injured
reserve) a shiny silver/ black top (size 16) my new long lavender
down coat, acute little white cap, black gloves and a black purse
I went to Walmart and bought some lip stick and foundation and
some more jeans, panties, and several pairs of panty hose (because
they get runs so easily) -that went well as an experience
and then I drove to church The chirch service was really nice, and
at a couple points in the service, as the pastor was talking about
accepting and validating yourself in your own eyes, I found
this pretty inspirational and was wiping away a couple tears
(I wasn';t sad or anything it was just feeling kind of sympathetic
to a message aout affirmation with all I've been going through lately)
Anyways I don't do a lot a crying in public so give me a break,
ut was just a nice sermon,. OK
after the service I hung around with a few girls downstairs for a bit
and talked, and that was fun then I did my volunteer maintenance
thing, and I still say doing this maintenance stuff dressed  up is kind
of kinky (but obviously it's way kinkier when I do it wearing the
red leather pencil skirt and the 4" pumps) - I told a friend I was going
to do the maintenance stuff and she was like "Girl, we have to talk",
so this might be some of my residual guyness (that old transvestic
fetish stuff)
It was pretty nice outside so instead of going to the Mall of America,
(which has a reputation of being unfriendly to trans people -I haven't
been there yet) I decided that I wanted to walk around a bit outside,
so I went to the Minnesota Zoo.  I was there for several hours and
had lunch there and it was fun - I'll assume you don't want to hear about
lions and tigers and bears so I'll move on.
I heard the other day about a thrift store called "Unique" so I went there
next (well I did stop for gas and deliberately paid in cash so I had to go in
-I've been doing that a lot lately -but it was more fun when I obviously wasn't
a woman, now it's not so blatantly obvious) I bought a couple really nice blouses,
a jean skirt (memories of being a teenage boy and staring at the pretty girls
wearing things like that -that was a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away,
and even then I still wanted the skirt more than their tush) a couple nighties,
a (female) wallet and a purse, everything was 3 or 4 dollars each except for the
purse which was $25.00, I probably spent too much for it, but it's nice,
it was an impulse purchase, obviously.
Then I decided to go to the Holidazzle parade (the second time I've gone) but I
got there early so I had a beer and used the restroom at the Gay90's then I
started walking down Hennepin then I walked over to Nicollet and went in
Macy's (and saw some really, really nice shoes but I was safe they don't stock
shoes for Clysdales like me who need size 12) I went to a couple more stores
and looked at dresses and blouses and shoes and the were all very nice and
very expensive and very small -I  really, really need to start losing weight again,
if I'm going to do this for real, but it was getting close to the time the parade
was going to start so I found a nice place to sit, away from what crowd had
gathered on the route.  I was kind of hoping sitting alone like that , that maybe
a guy would come up to me, but I'm not pretty that way, and instead I wound
up squeezed between two families -which actually was kind of nice, so anyways
kids to the left of me kids to the right of me and a couple young couples and
all that, but if you are just some lady stiing alone waiting for a parade, well that's
what happens- young couples feel safe and comfortable sitting next to you
(it was nice, as a guy at a parade usuallly there is a space of about two or three
feet between me and the nearest person, as a girl it's like two or three inches, max
which would you prefer?) The parade itself is OK, bicylcle powered floats with
alot of christmas lights, you wave at the people of the floats but it's a small
parade- it's fun to be outside in a crowd in the middle of winter watching the lights
and all but its more just being a part of the crowd.  After the parade, as
the young couple on the right were getting ready to go the mother looked at
me and wished me a merry christmas, which caught me by suprise and I thanked
her of course, but that was really nice, just a pleasant smile and a Merry Christmas,
it's such a small thing but I'm walking back thinking about it and I smile and wipe
away atear and rather than go back to the Gay90's and have a few beers and wait
for the drag show to start and set my 12 hours in drag record, I decide to go walk
along with the crowd back to the parking ramp, and hop in my truck and go home.
So I did almost 12 hours in draq - it was fun, regardless.

So quick update before I go to bed here
a) my "homework" assignment from my
regular therapist is to begin contacting
a couple gender therapists, because as she
says obviously I am so much happier this way,
that well .. well I'm just a lot happier when
I'm dressed up, and more comfortable and just
more alive, it's so much better going out
this way,
and b) I finally did go into a Perkins alone
dressed up ordered an ultimate omlette
with white toast, fruit, and coffee and it was
a pleassant experience -I very nearly
chickened out at the door and while waiting
for the hostess.but I went thru with it and the
waitress called me ma'am several times which makes
me feel a little silly, I don't mind it, it just makes me
feel funny, but she was nice and all so I left a
$10 dollar tip on a $12.00 meal (which is
fun I'll admit), all in all no big deal, I didn't
think it would be, but still I was very pleased
that I could just be myself and have a quick
meal beofre my cross gender club meeting
c) earlier I went to an upscale thrift shop and
bought a couple really nice winter jackets, the
lavender one is long, quilted down (very warm)
very close fitting and really shows of a girls
curves very nicely, I have total confidence
walking around outside in this coat that I am
warm, fashionable, and I look very much like
a woman (as long as I have the corset on)
so I went over to Lake Phalen and walked
around the light display there, and a couple
people (both men and women) said hi as
I walked along, so that's a lot of fun.
I decided to slurge and drive along the display
too (to drive it costs $10.00) it's all right,
walking outside in a warm coat feeling pretty
saying hi to the guys walking their dogs is
a lot more fun honestly
I went to Lake Phalen before that and walked
holiday light show and a couple people,
after that I went to dinner as I mentioned,
then went to the Cross Dressing/ Cross Gender
club meeting which is the official mark of my
cross dressing in public - I talked to several girls,
and had a discussion with one about the terminology
of cross dressing vs transexual and personal pronouns
and all but honestly I'm so new to this in some ways that
saying I'm a cross dresser who wants to work on
being more passable seems like a fair description,
internally it all opens up so much that its kind of in
flux, I sort of like the third sex/trans person idea, and
she seemed to think that transperson is a good
description of her feelings too.  Anyways it was a good night
I got emailed some pictutes of me playing harmonica
in a dress from a few weeks ago and talked about electolysis
and hormones and cothes and stuff and had a good time
actually and went home pretty early (around 11)  and
pretty sober ( I only had two beers all night)
so it's sunday morning and I need to get dressed for church
(yeah I fell asleep at the keyboard midway through this
post last night -tired but happy)

week 5 drag contest was last night - it runs 8 weeks so there's
only a couple more and I'm going to try and make the last three.
I'm struggling but it's good experience and having been dressing
for two months now (yes it is officially 2 months of cross dressing
now) there are things about the drag world that are good to know
and it's interesting seeing the whole behind the scenes stuff.
the people are nice but I kind of feel a bit like an outsider.
One of the contestants I met last night gave me her number about
some actually affordable wigs and dresses and "drag supplies"
like the huge eyelashes and stuff like that -so that wass good,
she's very pretty so I'm totally jealous of her that way but she's
nice and I'd like to improve so I'll gladly accept help in finding
stuff I need to perform better.
I wore the two black gowns again, but I didn't wear the hip pads
( they're not very comfortable and honestly, well if some guy puts
his hand on your hip, you wont feel a thing under all that foam, not
that I'm going to be dancing with some guy, I'm just saying were I to
wind up dancing with some guy it'd be nicer with out hip pads,
anyways.. ) I did wear the corset, and that really changes my figure a lot
(it takes about 7 or 8" off the waist) so I had the black gown and heels
and corset and all and was feeling a little elegant - and sitting at the
bar before the show and a kind of silly boy from New York introduced
himself to me - he was very nice actually and charming but he was kind
of silly (in a nice way but he was) he talked to me a bit and to the other girls
too and that wass fun, at some point he kissed me on the cheek, in a
harmless flirtatous way, but that was nice.  For the first number I did
Fleetwood Mac's "Landslide" -the live version,and played the intro and the
instrumental with my harmonica ( a B flat harmonica if your interested).
I had practced the song while driving at work so I had the lyrics down
pretty good for lip syncing and the gown goes well with that song, so
I was pretty happy with that performance (I do need a song with a longer
instrumental section but I could edit this song if I have time this weekend).
Actually I got a good response from the audience and it went well.
Fishbowl -the second round where you get a song you might not know
didn't go so well -I got a live version of a song  by Cher -"Do you believe..."
I've heard the song a few times before, but I didn't know it or anything
and I struggled through it.  But afterwards, a few people were pretty
sympathetic about it and a very pretty cis-woman gave me a hug, so
if I had chickened out (which I really wanted to do - I knid of suspected
I was going to struggle in fishbowl) I wouldn't have gotten to talk to
a couple people like that so there are good things that happen when
you try, even if you do make a fool of yourself  -for me going out in
public in drag being able to deal with the "this is a humilating situation
and I have to deal with it and get through it as best I can" is the really
valuable thing I am getting from this performing - I am far more
comfortable dealing with potetially embarrassing situations now that
I was a few months ago.
So I had a good time and I was thoroughly exhausted this morning,
and after several days of 10-12 hours of work without breaks,
I finally said I'm just too tired and worn down and I called
in sick and slept in until 10 am (which was sweet!) I've got
something tonight that I have to be boy for , so I can't dress up
tonight but after work tomorrow I will go out, and I'm thinking
I may go out all day Saturday and all day Sunday in drag which
would be a first for me (I've never done all day)

OK let me explain the caption - I went to church in drag like I always do now,
and then the last couple weeks I've gone out to a museum, so this week I
went to Como park which has a zoo and an an indoor garden -it's really nice
and I thought it'd be a fun place to go in drag, and it was, but I walk in
the primate house, and this sweet old guy who's a volunteer is giving information
to visitors, but I don't know this at the time, all I know is I'm standing at the spider
monkey exhibit watching one monkey groom another monkey and some man
walks up to me and tells me "Spider monkeys don't have thumbs they only have
four fingers, their tails are prehensile"  I am at a complete loss for words, and
take a moment and say "oh..but chimpanzees have thumbs, I'm sure.. I was
just watching them groom, they are very focused aren't they...."
I seriously don't think the guy realized I was a guy in a dress, and
I might have kept him guessing if he hadn't hit me with a question I
was less prepared for than a Republican presidential candidate,
so I must be a little passable, but a lot of girls read me quickly,
or maybe they're just smiling because I'm the only one silly enough
to be walking around wearing a skirt outdoors with snow on the ground.
(I like wearing skirts and there's no backing out when you're in drag in a skirt
or dress - you can take off the wig, but you're still dressed as a girl - it's
no big deal if you're prepared, but there's no backing out -you're in drag
until you get back home)
Anyways church service was good and the sermon made me think a bit,
I might actually do a little Bible reading tonight instead of going out - it would
be nice to relax and read a bit for a change and hopefully you all won't get
too mad about my choice of reading material. 
after service I talked to a couple people, and I should probably give someone
a call during the week to talk about going out shopping -being "one of the girls"
going out shopping with some other trans people would be really fun
Como park was a really good time, everybody was nice to me, not one bad
incident or comment or anything, just friendly people - one girl was kidding me a bit
about if I was warm enough, but she was being friendly - I was the one in the skirt
walking through the snow - which was a very silly thing to do -It was pretty
fun that she thought she could kid me about it - and I smiled and said I was
dressed pretty warm, etc -all in all I had a good time, lunch at the restraunt
there was a chicken quisedella and it was pretty good -it was a nice fun
afternoon, but being in the corset, I wisely decided to head home after
I had lunch.  (Corsets are totally comfortable and really fun to wear
I am finding out - but if you have a few beers or a meal, you better
be prepared to loosen it up or take it off or they really get uncomfortable)
Other than walking the dog, I won't be in drag tommorrow and probably
not Tuesday either - Wednesday is the trans support group if I can make it
and the drag contest ( which I want to enter again). Hopefully Tuesday I can
buy some men size 10.5 figure skates and dye them white - I hope to do a
lot of outdoor figure skating in drag this winter.

The Met Opera movie showing was really long (the music was good,
the staging was incredible, Renee Fleming is very pretty and an amazing
voice of course, the plot was boring so overall it was OK -it's good
to do things with my parents who officially at least don't know that I'm
gay or that I cross dress, which will be awkward, considering that I had
to move back with the parents several years ago - it really didn't matter
much before because I haven't slept with a man in years and years and I
wasn't cross dressing, just fantasizing about it - and I still haven't slept
with a man for a very long time, but I am sleeping in a negligee and
dressing to walk the dog, and going out three or four nights a week in
drag and at some point there's a remote chance that I'll get discovered.
Or maybe I'm just being paranoid?
It has occurred to me that dressing up like this, while I am meeting
a lot of people, is not going to change my chances of meeting a guy
one iota, it actually makes it almost impossible, but I'm not going to
stop, so one just has to resign yourself to one fate -being alone isn't
so bad if you can make some friends....
Anyways it snowed a bit and the Opera movie was realy long so I went
out to the bar as planned but then the plan unravelled -the initial plan
was that I was going to play harmonica a bit with a very pretty and
talented performer who was in the show on the main floor, and also
play my harmonica in the piano lounge too - I did meet up with the
performer and said hi and hugged and stuffed and watched her perform,
and I am very jealous of her talent, but in the end I drifted over to the
piano lounge where an extremely talented singer (who happens to be
on the cover of this weeks Lavender) was performing to an almost
empty room (consisting of her friends and the bartender and me)
still the music is so much more to my liking than what was playing on
the main floor that I stayed there -another "girl" came in and sat with
me but I was more into listening to he,so that was kind of rude of me
but I'm not always very talkative -I didn't mean to be rude, I was just
enjoying the singer's talent.  I did get up and played a song (yeah!)
and it went well.  A little bit later they went on break and due to the
lack of crowd the bartender said they could call it a night - which is
frustrating, because she and the piano player were really excellent.
Meanwhile, I was laced up tightly in my corset and I guess 3 beers and
a corset don't mix, so I felt like I was about to give birth - I finally
hd to say "no mas" and went out to the truck and wriggled out of
the corset (which was under the girdle which was under the dress -
it wasn't elegant) after this I really didn't feel ver pretty and dainty
and all - having just performed my Shamu gives birth dance in the
bench seat of my truck -it was sereiously not pretty trust me -
I thought about trying to doll up again and look nice, but not
after that - so I drove home in this disheveled state through the snow
and of course covertly walked in to my parents house in my dress and
wig and full makeup and purse and outfit bag and everything -I have
a downstairs entry and a downstairs bathrooms - so anyways I walk in
undress and slip into my slip and call it a night. 
Today is Sunday so I go to church in drag, then I'll go out and maybe go
in drag to Como park and downtown Minneapolis for some shopping,
we'll see.

That last post was too boring, so I've mentioned several times
now that I dress up to walk the dog in the morning. so here's
my latest dog walking outfit - an LBD with a corset, girdle
and bra underneath.. pantyhose and boots, a red coat white scarf
and hat, black gloves, boots and purse, and a blog wig.
I wore this out this morning and some joggers jogged by
and we had a real short conversation about my dog -who's
very pretty.  I like to think that they thought I was a woman
but maybe they were just being nice -I'm kind of delusional
when it comes to me looking like a woman -if you haven't figured
out by now. regardless, I'm dressing up for the dog walk in the morning
almost every day now (I think I haven't twice in four weeks -both
times because I wass out late and almost overslept)
So I'm thinking of wearing this to the hollidazzle parade, because
it is pretty festive and christmasy but of course I'll put on make up,
which will make me look prettier -I'm  not delusional about that-
foundation does make me look prettier, and mascara really
helps make my eyes look more feminine, a little lipstick helps
too. 

Anyways I'm  off to the Met Opera live in HD at my local
movie theater with my parents, and I have like5 minutes before I have to
leave, so bye  (PS they're broadcasting it live on NPR radio too, if you
want to hear it -Renee Fleming is in it so it should be good)

I tried going to the Goodwill, but the fashions were so ugh
and the racks so disorganized that I gave up and just bought
3 purses for $18.00 total so that's OK but I can't really
recomend shopping here, but I did provide entertainment
for the folks looking through the racks for anything half-way
decent in a size 16.. oh well

Electrolysis session #3 went pretty good , I'm starting to get used
to it. Driving back I started feeling kind of fatigued so I decided
not to go out in drag tonight, and instead I'll go to the Met Opera
movie screening at noon either with my parents or alone in drag
then in the evening I have something really good planned -I'll
talk about it after the fact tommorrow

So slow night -I'm going to look for some size 12 white figure skates
and order them, then maybe order another corset

anyways....

I took a little nap and felt human again, so I tried on the corset and
it's really nice.  I've never worn a corset before and I thought it would
hurt or be uncomfortable , but it's not - I've had it on for several hours
now, and decided to try on an LBD over it and I really like the way
it looks and feels.  It's an old style corset with the boning and lacing
and satin and everything so it's nice to look at too, but I plan on
wearing it more than looking at it actually. so I took this picture
and that's me with a 32" waist (my normal waist is 36-37" so it's a
quite noticeable reduction, but like I said it's very
comfortable).  I think I'm going to wear it to bed tonight.

So I entered week 4 of the drag contest,played my harmonica and had a good time.
I made about $20 in tips, so that was fun and a number of people liked it and told
me so.  It's worth it, considering I've been dressing up for almost 2 months,
and it really forces me to get out and dance and work on my look and my clothing,
but I'm not remotely competitive with the drag queens - I'm just some MT? in
a gown who wants to play some music and have fun.
The gowns are really nice, and I added some hip padding this time and
putting some curves in really shows off what pretty gowns these are
that I'm wearing.  So I get to sit around the bar in long black sleeveless
gowns and heels and stockings and lots of fun stuff and I'm meeting people
and the making the bar a comfortable place to go when I'm dressed up,
so it's worth the effort and overcoming some of my shyness - I really am meeting
an amazing number of people compared to my boy life (where I rarely meet
anyone).  Im going to try and play some music with another of the
performers at another bar this Saturday, so thats pretty exciting,
and I'll try again next week - I got a new secret weapon
( my pink and black corset arrived in the mail!)
Anyways I managed to finish work early today, and I was at the bar at 2am
last night after putting in a 10 hour so I'm really tired and I'm
going to take a nap then try on my new corset