Win a date to the circus with STACY! just write a brief description of why you should
be chosen to take me to the circus, a picture of yourself, and which show you
are buying two tickets for [tickets can be ordered at www.osmancircus.com]
show dates are Thursday March 29th through Sunday April 1st.  Winners will
be announced by email, entrants must be present at the State Fair Coliseum
in St Paul MN on the day specified to receive award.  Cash value of award $.01
All entrants must be male and over 21 years of age,  and relatively sober.

Yeh, it didn't work last time I tried it either,but going to a circus dressed up
and with a date would be fun, oh well, enough fantasy

it's raining/snowing/slushing and I'm really trying to cut down on expenses
so I went to the church on the way to the gender therapist and did my
maintenance thing and then went to my gender therapist session -the session
went well but I'm in such a state of flux that it's hard to explain things - I know
I won't be able to afford dressing up and going out anymore except on
Sundays (Church and coffee shop) and Wednesdays (support group and drag
contest) so I'm going to start acting more androgynous I hope rather than
all dressed up in girl mode, just because I really can't afford the dresses and
the makeup and etc, so I have to be able to pull it off without the drag,
and I'm not sure how to really do that, and HRT would be a crutch, and
how does one do this authentically, I'm not sure, but that's what I'm
trying to figure out, that and I know I want to make a bigger commitment to
music while I have time looking for this next job.  and of course
losing 50 pounds,
anyways the session went well, but I'm, in a strange space psycically, but it
was helpful and if the weather remains crummy, and it will, I
won't be going to group tomorrow, so I won't get dressed
up again until Sunday - and four days as a guy is a long stretch
(It kind of sucks re adapting to being a guy, not that I'd go
full time as a guy for a week, there's no way in Hell,
 things are bad, but they're not that bad)
oh well enough reality

I got an email from a straight friend who posted a video of the 
Saturday group  I jam with (in boy mode) a very talented female 
singer doing her song and I play a really nice solo on it, and then 
I got another email from another straight friend of a WCCO "Life
 to the Max" segment that includes a shot of me playing harmonica 
-so I was on TV for as far as I know the second time in my life. 
 [I'd post them but I'm always concerned about using other peoples
 names and images in this blog -so I almost always avoid that -except 
for drag performers and the names of Gay bars, and even then I typically 
avoid the use of peoples names]
The first time I was on TV was back when I was flying hang gliders and
 I went to a tow meet in the middle of winter (I'll guess back in 1999)
 so it's ten below zero, and they are towing up hang gliders with snow 
mobiles. (yeh, some people thought we were crazy)  I had a lot of aerotow
experience and a really pretty white, green and yellow Pacific Airwave 
Pulse 11m hang glider, and so after due instruction from one of the 
club members who was an instructor, I said "go, go, go" and got 
towed up by a snow mobile for what is called a sled run (in still air, 
good for training, bad for soaring) now unbeknownst to me, a camera 
crew got this on film and because there were a couple gliders in the 
air and we landed at the same time and all they got some good shots 
-and it was on the local nightly news up in Duluth -so I got to see my
glider in the air - it's odd writing about stuff like this while I lie in bed in
my slip and panties and pumps (I don't know, I felt like wearing heels
to bed, give me a break)  but looking back on it being a guy isn't all 
misery and stuff the way some of the girls make it out to be
of course there have been a lot of really really tough times and a lot
of times like now when I'm almost broke and I don't have a job and 
even with the college education and working hard and making the 
companies I work for a lot of money, there is a major rejection of
people like me, regardless of how straight I try to act
so I don't know, but hey I was on TV, for whatever that's worth


PS - I can't afford going to the non-gender therapist any more,
so I called today and cancelled the next appointment, and 
left it open, but there won't be any more appointments, 
I just can't afford it, which sucks but I'm just going to have to
keep cutting out expenses -I'll still go to my gender therapist
(I have an appointment this afternoon).

As I mentioned, it's the Sunday routine - I put on my makeup and a dress
(today a blue skirt and matching jacket and black boots, purse and gloves)
go to my church service - it was a pretty enjoyable service, do my maintenance
thing and talk to a few people after service, then go over to a coffee shop
to play with a guy for a few hours, but today he called and said he's miss
this week and nexts. too bad

anyways there were a few people I know from the service there and I
decided to play my dulcimer and concertina a bit,

So I was tuning up my dulcimer, and normally dulcimers are tuned DDAD,
but I was shown a trick to lower the tension on the strings and make it
easier to play - one tunes the strings to CCGC. the strings last a lot longer and require
less finger pressure.  SO I was at the coffee shop after service, and tuning
my dulcimer, and somehow I overtightened the middle string and it broke,
yeh, I snapped my G-string  (bad joke I know)

instead, I just played my concertina, and without someone to play with,
I only did a few tunes, casually, but we all talked for a while,
then I headed over to Como Park - the flowers in the sunken garden
are really pretty right now, it's definitely worth seeing.

so a slow Sunday, but I got dressed up and got out for about seven hours
and it was nice, I get dressed up again Tuesday (for Gender Therapy)
and if the weather isn't too bad I'll take the dog for a walk somewhere
for a couple hours, so that'll be a good day

This is why society should keep me in a dress, I only do caps like the top one
when I'm in boy mode for too long (I haven't gone out in drag since Wednesday)
The second one I did yesterday as kind of a Warhol thing but it didn't come out
too good, not that I'm remotely pretty or feminine looking, but I do look better
than that image, anyways I'm sure I'm pissing off every one by this point
but give me a break -I'm out of work, I took my parents to my gig last night,
and they got to see me play, I took them them to the Met opera broadcast
this afternoon, and my moms trying to be understanding that her son thinks
he should be living as a woman, and I'm trying to lay low and be a guy
a bit right now, at least until I have a job.

The church I go to has been bringing up this eunuch thing lately and I get the
sense that in their mindset it is a way of understanding trans people
(trans people are like male eunuchs) OK I genuinely like my church
and maybe I'm reading too much into it and that is probably true
for some trans people who are very uncomfortable with their wrong sexed
genitalia, but I did a back of the envelope calculation and figured out that
I have climaxed as a male at least 20,000 times in my life (and that's a
very conservative figure) - I'm not bragging, it's really kind of disgusting,
I'm just saying physically there's no reason I couldn't live as a reasonably
well endowed sexually functional married man - except that it makes me
sick to think about living like that for the rest of my life -ewwww gross

So OK if I wasn't being so guy, I'd say I'm in a bitchy mood,
luckily I get dressed up in the morning and I'll go to church,
play some music at the coffee house, if it's nice out take
my dog for a walk - it'll do me good to go out en femme
again

OK, the last post sucked, let's try this again:

Drag - #1
by Stacy Wilderness

Monster comes in the room
"are you the only one here"
"as far  as I know"

I like the black gown,
not the one June likes so much,
the other one,
 it's pretty

 I'll  wear the silver sandals
with the three inch heels with it
in drag, 3" heels are like flats
but they're pretty

I have to be careful walking up stairs
the gown is so long the heels can catch
the hem of the gown
and rip

I had to sew a three inch tear
the last time I wore this gown

Nina comes in the room
in guy mode
I don't know her guy name,
so she's Nina to me,
"any one else here?"
"Not yet"

She doesn't say anything
but she's not thrilled
I'm not a drag performer
even an amateur drag performer
I'm a musician
who wears a dress

they tolerate me here
but I'm not one of them
I'm different

that's the one constant in my life
every where I go,
every one I meet
I can always say
I'm different

Lucy Fer arrives
all ready painted
in her new black vinyl body suit
and platform heels,
she projects confidence
and power

She wears black lipstick
with glitter on her lips,
oddly, it's very pretty

I'm wearing hip pads and
a corset under my gown
the corset is pink and black
boned,
 it ties off in the back
even with the corset, and girdle and
boobs and make up and wig
and every thing,
I look like a guy

but I walked over to the bar
 in drag
in public,
 a guy helped me carrying my stuff
and I let him kiss me on the cheek
in the bar
and that felt nice

I cinch up the corset
I ask Lucy for help tie-ing me off,
and I thank her

it's odd,
Standing around in my girly under things
but I'm trying to be "one of the guys"
getting ready with the other performers,
letting them see me in various states
of undressed,
perhaps even with my wig off

it's a small crowd and it's just Nina,
Lucy Fer and me
after the first set I'm upstairs in the dressing room
with Lucy Fer
"Well at least you'll win the fifty dollars"
I say as I help her out of her black vinyl
body suit, her shoulders sweaty,
she's still panting from her last performance
it's small consolation
but it's all I have to offer

I was in guy mode all day - I had to run some errands, and I'm in guy mode
Friday - job hunting and my band gig, and Saturday too - so three days in a
row  without going out  in a dress might be a record for me since I started
going out in public in October -don't worry, I'll be in a dress on Sunday.
 - so just to fill some space I booted up  photoshop and this is what I came
 up with kind of as stained glass effect I took from a Steve Caplin book and
monkeyed with.  

The Trans support group was pretty intense, and a had an hour or so before I 

really needed to get ready for the Drag contest so I walked over to another

Gay bar down the street.I've only been in this bar once (I was dressed as

a guy) and I've been hesitant going in dressed up, but I was feeling confidant

and I certainly had time ( being a Gay bar doesn't by any means mean its

a good or comfortable place for a guy in a dress to go in and sit down)

  I walked in and was walking around when it was pretty obvious I caught one 

guys eye walking past.  I walked to the end of the bar, and turned around and 

decided to take an open seat at the bar near the exit, so I passed him again and

he said something along the lines of "hi beautiful" but I walked past and sat

at an open stool , waited a bit and  ordered a beer..  A few minutes after that 

he sat down next to me and we talked a bit - I wasn't really interested in him

(he was really much more effeminate than me, as he himself even mentioned)

but still we talked and in a while the time was up and I needed to walk back 

over to the other bar where I was entering the amateur drag contest - so

he decided he wanted to walk with me over to the other bar,  about four blocks,

and up to my truck in the parking ramp.  Here I grabbed my suitcase full of

outfits and shoes and makeup and my bodhran (an Irish drum) and walked

he offered to carry the drum for me, which was nice, so why not, so

we went back down the elevator and back onto the street and entered the bar 

and he knew that it would be about an hour and a half before the show started

(and he'd mentioned his plans to go over to another gay bar that night, which

I thought was a good idea for him to enjoy his night) anyways so we enter

the bar and I take the drum from him and he gives me a hug and a kiss 

on the cheek (which was pretty nice actually) and later in the even, when I was

up on stage I saw him in the sitting at the bar and waved, that was the last

I saw of him (which is ok, all he was going to get out of me was more small talk) 

Anyways, since I won the week before I was just up doing my performances

for fun - and so I did Muddy Waters  (I'm a man) starting off

with holding the bodhran and beating out the beat for about a minute -then

switched to harmonica and played the rest of the song.  For the second

song I did Van Morrisson's Tupelo Honey and played along on the harmonica,

which went well and I made $3 in tips (wow -I'm rich, but that's three people who

got up walked to the stage, smiled at me, enjoyed my playing , so yeah,

3 bucks - that's cool, I appreciated it) I talked a bit after the show with someone

I know but it was getting late so I headed home - $3 in tips, two twofers at one

bar ($6 plus $1 tip (Im pretty poor right now) ) one beer and a $1 tip at another bar

and $6 to park - so basically it cost me $15.00, which is OK -I have a music gig

on Friday in guy mode with a band I'm in and Saturday I'm going to see the Met

Opera broadcast with my parents (in guy mode) so it won't be until Sunday

when I dress up for church and playing at the coffee shop afterwards when I'll

be dressed up again. so until then, take care - Stacy

I was over at Laura's Playground which is a very good site,

but I haven't been on the site in several months, so I 

made this post this afternoon, just to kind of reconnect

to one of the more useful sites on the web, but it's kind

of nice sometimes to look back and see that I've actually

had a really wonderful time since I started dressing up 

and going out in public (back in October), well here's the post:

I thought I'd try and reconnect with this site a bit - last time I was
posting was at the end of October (when I first started going
out publicly dressed up(and had gone out 9 times in about
2 weeks) -so I'm actually not going out 4 times a week dressed up
(I don't have the money to afford going out that much - I lost
my job a couple weeks ago) but I joined a gay church, volunteer
as their bolier operator and attend service dressed up, I actually
got to play my harmonica doing the song Amazing Grace, with the
church's music director playing piano during an offeratory one
Sunday -that was kind of amazing (if you pardon the pun) me in a
pretty brown suede leather skirt and matching boots (with 4" heels)
and a red blouse, it felt good and the congregation really liked it,
anyways most Sundays I talk to a few people after service,
then head over to a coffee shop and play my harmonica with
a guy I met a few weeks ago (he's straight and has a fiancee so
it's not like that) There's a wednesday night trans support group
that meets in the same building as ths coffee house _I've been
going to that, and afterwards doing my volunteer boiler thing
over at the church then heading over to a gay bar where I enter
a drag contest (mainly so I can get up and play my harmonica
and wear evening gowns and pretty dresses of course) so when
Im at the trans support group, and they ask about pronouns
I normally joke that I'm doing drag tonight so I better go with he
- but actually I'm pretty close to 100% confidant "he"
doesn't fit, I don't mind she, but it feels a little strained or
awkward or funny, but then I never really spent any time
being called a she or a her either, it's OK I know whenI started
seeing a gender therapist and we started working on the letter
that I wanted no ambiguity there - I want them to refer to me as
she- when it comes to the legal issues, the dealing with authority
and doctors and all that , it's simple I wanted to be treated as a
woman, at least as far as its allowed, but face to face,
person to person, it's confusing - I got the letter a couple days
ago, but I can't afford to go on hormones now and oddly
enough I'm not quite ready somehow (and I was telling my
therapist this was going to happen) but when I lost my job,
(the contract ended) I did come out to my mom that I was
trans, gay, and unemployed. I live at home, and the idea of
going backwards was too horrible, but since then she's seen
me dressed up once, but I don't dress up unless Im going
out honestly, and I'm only going out 2 or 3 days a week now,
so I'm going out occasionally, playing my music, and
looking for a job (I actually did go to a job fair last week wearing
a skirt and jacket, it went suprisingly well) anyways like I said
so I'm trying to recconnect a bit here and do some on-line job
hunting too, so later,
Stacy

stupid Blogger - I just lost all my bookmarks - the blogger said it doesn't support
my old browser, so I figured I'd upload the new browser, Google Chrome,
which doesn't seem to work very well, and I lost all my bookmarks too boot!
how frustrating -
anyways I'm too frustrated right now, what a mess

OK I figured out how to import them from IE, but they're all sorted
wrong, oh vey! how frustrating

I started making some hip pads (for drag -it makes you look full figured)
here's a you tube video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5ks3D_Lo-U
I want mine a little different ( as you can tell from the photo's)
and the room was such a mess yesterday as I was 3/4 done with just one
that I had to stop and clean up the room, but anyways here's some pictures
of my efforts and I have one more to go then sonme final trimming.
I should have them ready for Wednesday - so hip pads, butt frisbees
(but pads) a corsett -it should look pretty good

I don't wear hip pads or the corsett when I'm out in public - just for
drag- I do wear a girdle and pad the breasts from my natural a-cup
to a c-cup

so I did the routing ( put on a skirt, wernt to church, went to a coffee
house and played music with a new friend (who is straight and has
a fiancee) then for a change of pace, I went home grabbed the dog
and went to Lake Calhoun for a stroll in my jean skirt a nice suede
leather coat a purple top and black boots with 2.5: heels - the lake is
3 miles around so near the  end, me in my heels was getting a little
worn down,  but I passed probably a hundred people, and a couple
people talked about my dog (she's really cute) but nobody really
had anything to say about me (bit that's OK, I thought I looked cute)

so I'm doing a sober sunday -Im not on the wagon, I'm just backing things
down for a few days

I got "the letter" the other day
(yeah!!!!) and I reread it, but yeh, I'm going to
hold off for now - a lot of things are still new to me
like the idea that I can put on makeup and a wig
and walk around in public like it's no big deal
(because it isn't) so for now I'm still laying the
groundwork I think

I want to start at the end of last night and work backwards - so I'm walking out
of a Gay bar, alone of course - that should be the start of every Gay bar
story I have: Stacy walks out of a Gay bar alone......anyways, I walk out of the
bar and cross a busy downtown street and there are police cars on the corner and
a few people around and I'm pretty comfortable walking along in a public setting
like that - I'm wearing a soft suede leather coat with fur trim, a comfortably
tight jean skirt that's just above the knees, black boots with 2.5" heels that are
just below the knees and carrying a purse - so I'm presenting as a woman, but
not at all "enticing or slutty or anything".  as I cross the street I sense that
someone is following me.  To confirm this I adjust my speed a little and confirm
that with a slight slowing down speeding up resuming my normal pace that he
is on my wing. My hand moves from the purse strap onto the purse itself , but
otherwise I keep walking down the sidewalk and I'm not very concerned.
Physically the person following me is a bit shorter than me, probalby 20 to 30
pounds lighter than me (I'm 220#) and is physically fit and impressively muscular, and
oh yeh, he's black (and I'm white).  So I keep walking back to the parking garage
and stop before making the turn.  He stops too, he has correctly determined that
I'm concerned about the situation.  He says "I'm not following you, I'm going
back to my car" - he has a nice smile and is polite and I used to be a weight
lifter and boxed some and had straight football players as room mates, so
to me being muscular is a sign that someone has self-discipline and takes
care of themselves (I don't automatically assume every muscular guy is
a threat) so my radar says he seems ok in a suspicious sort of way,
especially since he diesn't have a coat on ( I just realized as I write this
that he was probably in the coat check line at the bar getting his coat
when I walked past to leave the bar and he followed me out - obvious)
anyways so the walk from the sidewalk to the entrance of the parking garage
 is pretty isolated and narrow, and I'm not really buying that he's not following me,
but like I said Im not feeling threatend, so we walk along and talk a little bit
and he explains that he's never been in that Gay bar and all that
he's asking if I do drag at that bar and I explain that I do some as a hobby but
really Im more trans and he asks if Im pre-op or post op and I, feeling pretty
proud of myself say "I'm very pre-op, I just got my letter today"  [I'll
get to that little bit of news later] then we enter the parnking ramp entrance
and he gets in the elevator, and again I pause for a second because, well
I had to evaluate the situation, but my sense wass the situation was relatively safe, and
so we start going up to the 6th floor (he pushed 6 first, but my truck actually
was on the 6th floor) and he asks about my breasts I tell him their fake he asks to
see them so why not I pull them out -it's pretty harmless by then he asks to
see under my skirt and I say no, of course and explain I wear a girdle so there's
nothing to see anyways and he's dissapointed and is like "oh"... but that's
such a turn off to me, so the door to the elevator opens and I go one way,
and he with no coat and no car keys goes the other and I'm guessing walked back
to the elevator and then back to the bar to get his coat - but OK a little risky, yes,
but basically I felt I was safe and I was - if I was 50 pounds lighter, if I was
on hormones and physically weaker, if I was more femminine looking in this
specific instance I still would have been safe, but you start thinking -wow walking
back to my truck as a woman is potentially a risky thing to do - and mentally
I'm not quite prepared for assesing risk that way and I had a few beers in me
and thats the next point - I saw someone at the bar (the girl I'd competed
against Wed and while recognizing that I knew her was unable to remember
how I knew her - that was the second time in one day I'd made a mistake
due to alcohol or tried to justify my alcohol use, and the parking ramp
thing counts as 1/2, in that alcohol was a factor in not assessing the situation
and realizing that the guy had followed me out of the bar - which is so
obvious, and critical to assesing the actual risk and proper response)

so, I think I'm drinking too much -I dont think I need to stop,
but Im walking around in a dress and a lot could potentially
happen and I can't really be walking around stupider than I already am

I went to see a friend after her play and meet some of her friends and new
girlfriend and hang out at a dance for a little bit and that was fun, then
I headed over to the Gay90's to see the show, but I didn't really
talk to anyone there except a few people I all ready knew (and one
person I knew but couldn't place and it was really embarrassing )

I got my letter today-I still need tos ee an endroconologist, and as I
explained I'm going to hold off starting on hormones - partly because
I've been in a good mood lately and why take a chance on mucking that up?
It's not all that common when I wake up and go through life basically happy
(which is another reason to moderate the drinking - why drink so much if
you don't need it to be in a good mood?) -but I got the letter and that's
a major milestone in my life and it really does state, honestly that this is my
future - and I'm still trying to get my head around my future life
as a woman
and what that's going to be like and how Im going to make a living and deal
with all the problems and find someone to live the rest of my life with
and all that - but on the one hand the letter is a major milestone in my life and
on the other hand, as I've been joking it's a piece of paper that's gathering dust right
now as I speak

really Im just trying to lay the ground work now - I want to be happy
this time around....

And tonight's winner of the amateur drag queen contest is..... Stacy!
who me?  oh very nice!

So I enetered the amateur contest at the Gay90's and there were some past
week winners (who get to perform but aren't eligible for the prize -they
do get tips and exposure though) and me and another girl entered in
the contest itself - she had a cute LBD and long legs and was a better
dancer than me honestly,. but I had my harmonica, and my dancing is
getting better, and I was the new girl (I hadn't been there in quite a while
now) and a pretty gold dress, and my presentation is much better than when
I started -so I do take this seriously -it;s just , well I'm trying and doing
my best and having fun and so in the end I got the $50.00 prize,
It was a fun night, and I talked to a couple couples and the other performenrs
of course.  I really don't get hit on by the guys, and while it'd be fun to flirt
with a guy -there's not a chance in the world I'd leave the bar with a guy and
go to his place, and so I get left alone -I think physically I scare the guys,
or maybe just because I'm older, or stouter, or whatever, but
I really have never had the crass come-ons that the other performenrs get
(which is fine, believe me -I don't know what I'd do if someone came up to
me and said some of those things, probably drop him wiht a left hook,
I mean I am just not used to people being rude to me, and I work very
hard on not being rude to people) so my conversations are kind of fun,
like this one boy/girl couple the guy had a few beers in him and he started
talking about how he should enter this (he's never cross-dressed) and of
course I'm encouriging it and letting him try on one of me heels and
all that talking to his girlfriend about maek up and stuff, another
guy/girl couple the girl wants to hug me and stuff and I look over
at the guy and he's OK with it so why not? and whan she wants me to
squeze her tush, he's like "if that's what she wants..." it was a very nice
tush actually but I mean its play -being way more uninhibited but not
really doing anything you can't go home and laugh about and say
that was a very silly conversation - it was fun.
The support group before that went well and a sommone showed
up who I hadn't expected and she was looking good -so I was
happy about that, and otherwise it's good to build those
connections, did my volunteer thing at the church, then went
to the drag show, and that was my night.

Tonight I'm hoping to catch a movie with a new friend -we're talking
about doing more "boyish things" thinking that would be fun,
but I'm still going to put on a skirt.

Thu aft update - my friend isn't feeling well, and I'm shaking a bit of a cold
too, so I'm going to stay home tonight and clean my other room
a bit more -I'm just wearing boy clothes, but if someone wants to
send me a French Maid outfit (size 16) I'd be only too happy to wear
that instead (giggle) , but tommorrow going to be a lot of fun:
(I got invited to a party/dance after the Naked I play)

I recommended to a friend that she see the play the "Naked I" and
just saw her post that she thought that it was awsome, which it is. I'm
going to call her after my interview today (I'm in boy mode
all today, so that'll give me a chance to talk at least)

I'm going to be adding some helping out in the church kitchen
to my sunday routine before church but it's still the same routine
really - it should be fun - and the thought of letting me any where
near a kitchen, well it's a church - they should be safe (I hope).

The job fair was a little scary - getting out of my truck in a nice
skirt and jacket, resumes in hand and looking at the guys in their
suits and thinking everyones going to laugh and stare, but I did
a really nice job on my makeup ( excepet the nails - but the face
was really, really good) and the outfit was conservative but very
ladylike and I felt confidant, so I walked in and smiled and met
the straight everyday working people and talked like I do to
anyone, and I smiled and felt confidant and happy and left
my resume at two of the booths and who knows - it would be
amazing if I got hired as a woman -of course I'd accept
instantly - but I took the chance and it was nice - I was
really proud of myself and honestly it's such a long shot,
but if they offer, I'd say yes so fast, and they;d get a very
happy, healthy, reasonably sane employee who looked forward
to going to work every day - so that's a rare commodity

Oh yeah i forgot to add, so after the job fair I went to the
Mall of America which was just a mile away and I walk
into one of the stores and this guy who works there was
smiling at me, and I smiled back of course, but he was obviously
working and I didn't want to get aqnyone in trouble but
that was nice, I wandered around a bit in broke mode
(ie too poor to actually buy anything, unless it was really
nice and at a very good price) but I did try on some shoes
and looked at some dresses but they were all too expensive
and showed too much arm, anyways so I was going to
catch a movie and I stopped at the food court and Im
eating lunch when someone I recognized but hadn't really
talked to walked by -so I walked over said hi, her friend
showed up we chatted a while, her friend left, we chatted
some more a couple hours later I dropped her off at an
office (she'd just been hired for her first job as a woman,
and they required a drug test) so I'm just sitting there
having lunch and then end up making a new friend like
that is really cool - we're talking about seeing guy movies
like "Red Tails" - which will be fun

It's the Sunday routine now - I take it for granted, but I do enjoy Sundays
so OK here's my Sunday routine -which is going to be pretty typical for every
Sunday if I can because it's a nice routine:I get up and get dressed up
grab a Chai tea at a coffee shop near the church, go to church service,
socialize a while after sevice, then do the volunteer maintenance thing
I do, drive back to the coffee shop play my harmonica and tin whistle
with a guy I met there last week - we jammed and talked and talked to
other people and spent about  two and a half hours over there before
calling it quits and making plans to do it again next week - it's pretty
fun really but so it's now almot 3 o clock, I'm all dressed up in a nice
skirt, blouse and heels and I really don't want to go home, so in
Minneapolis where does a girl go on a Sunday afternoon? Yep,
the Mall of America - which was very crowded, I spent a couple
hours shopping but didn't buy anything (OK I can't really afford
to spend too much, but finally I broke down and bought a large,
kind of gawdy hand painted silk fan which just screamed "I'm
made for drag, honey!") it was $25.00, then I went and saw
"The Vow"  which is OK but that's $10 and I bought some
nachos with jalepenos of course and a water and that's about
$10 bucks too, so I ended up spending about fifty bucks at
the mall which is more than I wanted to spend -oh well it's
still fun, and I got to take a movie survey - which is pretty
funny - and field what should be an easy question:
What sex do you identify as?
 and make it needlessly difficult
(I couldn't resist)
anyways it was a fun day and after the movie I did go home
and I'm doing laundry now so that my feminine undergarments
smell fresh when I put them on tommorrow for the job fair
I'm going to (dressed up and presenting as a woman)

well the biggest news for me happened today - I was in the bathroom getting
ready for the cross gender club meeting and my mom was downstairs
putting some groceries in the freezer,  so I checked my makeup and
that everything was in place and I walked out and said " hi, well this is
what I look like"  it's really awkward and it feels odd, but I don't feel
being honest is being wrong - things are OK, I told her a couple days
ago that I was trans, so this was just her first chance to see me
as a woman, so I feel awkward, I'm sure she feels awkward,
it's just a really odd thing to have to do - but I have to do it,
(or rather I had to do it - it's done now, there's no going back)

all right back to the chronologic story - I went and saw the Naked I
again , yesterdayand really enjoyed it - after wards I  talked to two of the
performers I know in the play and had a nice long talk with a trans
man who is quite attractive and a really nice guy.  We talked for
about an hour and a half, so obviously I enjoyed the conversation,
one of the performers invited me to a party after one of the shows,
(not a date, just a chance to go to a party, do some dancing, have
some fun) then I went home but I wass in areally good mood but
very tired so I didn't blog yesterday.

Today I jammed a bit with some musicians in the morning (in guy mode)
the took my mom to the grocery store, then started getting ready for
the meeting, so as I was all done and ready to go out she came down
so rather than cower in the can, I checked my makeup and outfit
and walked out and said hi..... the meeting represents the official
4 months of cross dressing and going out in public as a woman
(yeah!!!!!) before the meeting I did a little shopping, and afterwards
I watched a bit of the drag show and talked to someone who wants
to enter the amateur contest, so yeh I kind decided to enter that again
 next Wed and I decided to go to a job fair en femme - that's monday
so here is my en femme schedule
Sun - play music with a guy at the coffee shop, then go to church
go back and play a little more -then who knows it'd be nice to go somewhere
and talk if things are going good, but if not I'll head to the Art Museum
again I think then just head homeMonday lie I said I'm going to dress
up and go to a job fauir.  Tuesday I have a job interview and I'll
go in guy mode so no dressing up tuesday
Wednesday a support group, over to the church for a bit, then I'll enter
the amateur drag contest.Thursday - Gender therapy and
after a trans group meeting
Friday the aftershow party I talked about
Saturday there's another party at three that I'll probably go to that
and Sunday is church again and hopefully some jamming with a guy
at a coffee house.
Obviously I have to keep the job hunt and the diet in mind as I go
get through the week, because  moneys going to start getting tight
but I've been thriugh tough times before and emotionally I really
feel pretty good these days.

I saw the preview show of "The Naked I - Wide Open" , and it is very good.
-the actual premier is tommorrow, and I want to see it again because
it's pretty moving.  My mascara was all messed up by the end,
and that's a good thing...The play is held at the Intermedia Arts
on Lyndale Ave (Minneapolis) and it's more a series of monologues
than a play, but a number of writers and actors are involved so the
range of emotion and the variety of the people is quite good.
I know two of the actors in the play, which makes it all the more fun,
of course, and it's very moving  to watch, so yeh it' s a really
good play about gender roles and non-conforming people,
I'm pretty tired though - so I'm calling it a night

Fri morning update - sorry I was so tired I had to get some sleep-
but it was the good kind of tired - so anyways to continue -
I knew two of the performers in the play and they both gave
wonderful perfomances so I had to congratulate them of course,
and one of the performers had some friends of the family show
up (they;d driven up from Missourri just to see the show -
Suprise!!) so I got to watch that and it was kind of wonderful
realy,  so I hung out and chatted a little, but listened mostly,
but it was really nice, but then I had to go hone, and I walk
in the back door and start to take off my coat and I realize
I really don't want to undress and take off my makeup and all,
not yet, so I didn't ( I realy never "crossdress" at home - I
dress up and go out and have been undressing in the truck
before I'd get home - this is partly how I kept things secret,
but now that I'm out I don;t really want to play dress up at home,
but I've dressed up, I've come home from a pleasant evening
and I just want to relax and enjoy my  outfit - I feel pretty in
it, I'm happy, I feel good about myself, and my firends and
what I'm achieving and what they've achieved, and I just
want to stop and savor the whole thing in the privacy
of my bedroom - that's really not the same thing as having
a Transvestic Fetish - I mean I went out and socialized,
and sure the shiny gold dress and the boots with the 4" heels
and the uber-cute sued leather jacket with the fur trim
are all fun to wear, but it's just a part of it, and a small
part of it - anyways so I did walk around my room
still dressed up and sat down and watched a little TV,
then finally did put away the coat and take off the dress
and the makeup and all that and went back to "normal"

but it occurs to me that if I can't find a job as man, and the
only reason I'm going around being a man is so that I can
make a living, well you see the problem... I wrote this song
a long time ago and that is really what it is about that I'm
trying to live as a man but I can't make it as a man,
and it turns destructive knowing that I can't make it that way:
"honey, where's the pay?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBB_CXj6V1o&feature=player_embedded
(I hired John Black to sing and play guitar on this song)
I've been offerred the chance to play my harmonica on a stage at a Gay
event and of course I'll do it, and this is one of the songs I'm going
to play, and what's cool about that is that some of the people in the
audience are going to understand what the song is about - and it
isn't about some stupid Transvestic Fetish, trust me

Now that I am out, and unemployed, if I wind up going broke,
 which is probable,
I'm thinking I'm going to try living full-time as a woman for a week
which would be amazing

I'll still look for full-time work, because that is what I believe I should
be doing - but honestly maybe it's really out of my hands and it's
time.

I just got done spending several hours cleaning my room - sorry, I'm not
in a French Maid outfit - the room was really pretty filthy -I've been working
long hours and leading a double life (mild mannered tech by day, social
butterfly by night, or sort of..) so it's been a while since it's been cleaned. 
It feels good to clean the room there's another area I have to clean and I'll start
on it tommorrow - houseworks OK once you get started, I really don't mind it -
but yeh, I should have gotten dressed up for it, sorry -

After hearing about my friend getting beaten up by a security guard at
the K-Mart, in Minneapolis of all places, and listening to the rantings
on the radio against the overturning of Propistion 8 and all the hate
that's out there, I've been a little scared about going out en femme
- it's not all together rational - the risk hasn't changed, but the perception
of risk has changed, and being unemployed and not having enough
money to make it through and taking high risks is not a good combination,
so I'm going to lay low a bit
Having said that, I'm going out tonight to a trans support group and I'm
thinking of entering the Gay90's amateur drag contest tonight again,
and tomorrow I'm seeing a play about people who push the gender boundries
and of course I'll dress up for that and Saturday the cross gender/cross
dressing club meets and that marks my 4th month going out in public,
so I have to make that, but after Sat (oh and Sunday church service and
sitting in with the guy at the coffee shop) but anyways after that I may
only be going out rarely and probably just to the local library to use
their computer ( it gets me out of the house) and to walk the dog
so, at least until I get some money coming in, my out and about
experiences are winding down but I think I achieved a little progress
before life came back to remind me that I really have no choice but to live as a
guy, and I'm going to be stuck living that way for a good long time -
it was fun while it lasted and I'll keep working on getting the letter
and stuff, but getting some money coming in is really essential right now.

Wednesday night update - the trans support group ended early,
I signed up for a ticket for tomorrows show (which is free -yeah)
and might have a gig at a gay festival (double yeah!!! - very cool!!)
but I didn't want to hang around Minneapolis for three hours for the
drag contest to start (and pay for parking, etc) and I'd probably end up spending
money at a gay bar drinking beer (because I'm too fat for any guy to
think I'm sexy enough to buy me a drink) so I stoppeed
over at the church did my volunteer thing, whined about losing my job
(I don't know why I whine about this, but I did - I feel stupid about it
now) and then headed hopme and walked around outside our house
in full dress -taking the mail, taking the garbage out to the curb - and then
walking in to my room using the downstairs door - and my mother was in the
next room with the door open, so - I came out to her a few days ago, and
now she's seen me in drag - from a distance and I didn't approach her -
I took the dog out for a bit and when I came back in she'd gone back
upstairs so I udressed and ungirlied before going upstairs - I don't know,
I'm taking things slow -but there's a difference between being out and
being obnoxious about it I think, or maybe it's just going to seem too
weird standing around in a skirt talking to my mom.

A couple days ago someone I know got beat up pretty good by a K-Mart
security guard for entering a Minneapolis K-Mart with a friend of hers and her
friends service dog. She needed a couple trips to the hospital emergency room,
but she's out of the hospital now, thank God..
Because this Minneapolis K-Mart employs off duty Minneapolis police officers
she was charged with assualt - the whole thing is disgusting, and she's tapping
into her entire savings now to fight the charges and seek legal recourse.
The money was going to be used for her operation, and now she's all beaten up
and bruised and like I said the whole things disgusting.  I don't feel there's
really anything I can do to help but put it out there that this occurred and go to the
first hearing and watch and show my support, but it's just totally disgusting.


Anyways I've been chronologically posting all the times I've gone out dressed up, so
I'm going to continue of course.  I got up early Sunday and put on a blue skirt
and jacket for church. I stopped at a trans friendly coffee shop before church.
I was talking to the owner a bit and a musician she'd hired walked in and started
setting up so she introduced me, and I went out and grabbed my harmonicas from
the truck and came back in and we jammed a bit which was fun - a little loose,
but it was cool, looking at the time, I saw Service was starting in a few minutes so
I drove over to church and came in a minute or two late. After service I went to a
trans support group the church has started (run by June R.) I drove somebody
back to her house, changed into a very nice gold dress and the boots with the 4"
heels ( I had tickets for "Cat on a  Hot Tin Roof" at the Guthrie and that's what
I was wearing to the theater) so anyways she was busy and I don't like sitting around
while someone talks to this person and that person on the phone so I made my exit,and
went to the Art Museum ( way overdressed -but it's free and I really need to
watch my spending right now) -so like I said I was way overdressed, but I had
fun, I just felt a little silly.   Then I went over to the church parking lot to carpool over
to the theater (it saves money and lets me socialize with new people) I got a ride
over with another member of the church who was meeting someone I've met
before , and my friend met us at the theater - the show was really good of course,
and way more fun  than some stupid football game (I'm kidding -I'm not that girly
yet but I did have more fun that folks watching the game) after the show we wandered
around the upper level of the Guthrie and looked at the skyline and chatted and I felt
really nice and it wias all lovely - I was pretty conspicuous - I'm wearing a very shiny
gold dress, brown boots with 4" heels I have long, very stong legs, I'm 6' 2" in heels
(5'10" tall)  and a size 16 -so yeh you're not going to not notice me when I'm walking
around like that (heheheh)  a few girls and guys smiled at me, and I'm starting to relax
enough to notice that there are people who are smiling at me - who knows
maybe I will meet someone, but anyways it was wonderful - I went all dressed up to
a show with a friend, and I think this is the first time she's gone dressed up to a show
(I'm an old hand -it's my second time!)  I went home and that was the first full entire day
I've spent dressed as a woman and there was really a lovely experience -really the only
bad thing was how guilty I felt was realizing a friend of mine was in the emergency room
at the hospital while I'm at the theater having a good time - I don't know - it's like
World War II where some people are on the front line and others are in the theaters
having a good time - it doesn't make sense, but what can you do?

Transformative Honeymoon's 200th post!
well I better do something special for this,
hmmm, let's see - why don't
I come out to my mom about being
Gay and Trans and Unemployed
I know what you're thinking and you're right
it sucks telling your mom your unemployed....

I came out to my mom this afternoon - it went well,
it's odd, it feels strange but everything is OK
and it's out in the open now and yeh
things are out in the open and I don't know what
else to say - I called a friend after and talked about it,
then we got sidetracked and talked about some other stuff,
because, well  because it's fun to talk about other stuff too    ^_^


I was out wednesday in a black and silver pantsuit and
I'm trying to remember the last time I was out in a skirt, it may well
be about a week ago, but even though I haven't been dressing up a lot
lately, this is a week I'll look back on for a long time.

so I'm just going to hang out in boy clothes in my room and
drink a few beers and celebrate and relax......
and sleep good tonight

I showed up for work wednesday and found out my  job ended that day it seems.
-they'll give me a good reference and all, but I was told two weeks ago that the
job would be going a few months more, so I got blindsided pretty good with that.

I was pretty broke when I took this joib a few months ago, and a lot of
what I've made has gone to buying dresses and stuff, so I have very little
in the bank to live on - so I'm a little worried and going back to see if I can
get the last job back, and updating resumes and all that.

after finishing work Wed, I got dolled up and went out to a support group, then
stopped at the church, went to a gay bar for a dinner, then went to another
gay bar to watch the amateur drag contest -  where I got hit on my a couple
giirls - I was kidding on the phone with someone about this and she's saying
I ought to call her back, I don't know, I'll think about it.

Walking around today "en homme" I decided that when I tell my parents that I lost this
job, and don't have very much money at all right now, I'm also going to
tell them that I've been using the money to buy dresses and that I wear them
when I go out - so yeh I'm going to come out about dressing up and going
out in public....of course I'm nervous
I was going to go dressed up to my gender therapists, but I took my mom
shopping and that ended up taking a couple hours and there just wassn't time,
so now my therapist has seen me as a guy.  I wanted to focus on "the letter"
but kept sidetracking to talking about employment stuff and/or  coming
out related stuff.  it was really helpful, but I'm ptretty nervous about it all
and may postpone it to Saturday -but just so I can follow his advice on
having a contact to talk to about what happens ( and because I'm a
chicken of course) -anyways it should be interesting.

and it's a hard, rain a gonna fall - Bob Dylan