So, this was odd, but I've been going to a church that has communion, and
in todays service when I went up for communion a Deacon put his hands on
my shoulder like normal, but then he started asking questions about how much
I read the Bible and if I even have a Bible and stuff, and I didn't know what
to say, so I just said "Thank You" when he was done, like I always do, but it
was odd, and odder still the wafer was really dry -like it hadn't been
dipped in the grape juice, or just the tip maybe - it just tasted dry.
Now what makes this even odder is that the Scripture reading was from
Ezekial (2:9 through 3:3) the jist of which is that when Ezekial receives
the word of God it "tasted as sweet as honey in his mouth" - when I received
communion at this church, it tasted dry, really dry.
I don't think I'll be going back, but 2 months ago when I first showed up,
I was in a cold, lonely place, and it did seem like there was a message to
me personally in these services.so I went to church for 2 months straight
(well you know what I mean). That is a record for me.
Anyways, a while back, I wrote some additional lyrics for a really beautiful
hymn (the hymn not my crappy additional lyrics) - Down to the River to Pray
You won't find me in church, it'll ruin your day
and they won't let me in 'cuz I can't afford to pay
but John and Jesus say there is a better way
Let's go down to the river to pray
chorus
Now John the Baptist had something to say
when he heard the good Lord was a coming his way
but the Lord said to John, No, today's your day
Let's go down to the river to pray
chorus
Now if the good Lord needed some one that day
to wash away some dirt, hold his hand and pray,
then I guess it's OK for me to say
"Good Lord, show me the way"
chorus
But the answer is yes, I do own a Bible I've read it a few
times, but no I haven't read from it recently.
I guess I overstayed my welcome, it's time to move on.
that, I've joined the D+X Institute -which is a femminizing role-playing
site. I don't know much about the site, but it could be fun for me.
I'm using Stacy Wilderness as my name there.
I have decided to stop going out to the gay bars because it is depressing
me being this alone and just not being able to do anything about it - instead
I'm going to try and get out more to normal bars and meet normal people.
Fuck it.
Today is day one of my new diet - I am actually really proud of my
last diet - I lost 50 pounds (which is a lot) but I had to regroup, and
like I said today is day 1 - the plan is 10 poundes per month (5 pounds
by the first of the month, and additional 5 pounds by the 15th of the
month) until I'm down to 170 pounds -yep exactly 50 pounds again
(for a total of 100 pounds - and don't tell me losing 100 pounds won't
change your life). Basically 1 large meal (2,000+ calories plus minimum
1.5 hours aerobic excercise plus walking)
I might be able to continue therapy on a once per month basis if I can
cut down on driving and ride my bike more -which is good excercise
( I only need to cut out $12.50 per week - I'm sure I can do that).
I have to call someone back to arrange another interview Monday, but
I had a really good interview last week, so that might come thru. I'm hopeful
(poor as a church mouse, but hopeful)
PS - I was sitting in church thinking about how totally unprepared
I am to transition, and I still don't know what exactly transition means,
but as I sat in this church for what is probably the last time, I did realize
that I am going to do it, or at least try, and I am really unprepared for this.
Oh well, what the Hell. Looking at the support I'll be getting from friends,
and family and church, I can truly say "I'm fucked." Some times you do
just have to go forward on Faith, alone.
Take Care,
Samantha
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