So the question arose about my outfit for Pride. I was thinking something tasteful'
like this:

on second thought, maybe not - I'll wear my new shorts and a t-shirt with

from one of the Blues performers I really enjoy, and be fully in guy mode

(undercover). 

I've been having fun with the role play over at D+X Institute, but I'm a little

dissapointed about how little resistance Stacy Wilderness put up about

being turned into a girl - I mean it was like she wanted it to happen or

something - not very realistic- oh well.....

I bumped into a guy who I hadn't seen in about a year, and when I told

him I'd lost 50 pounds, he was like "at least!" , so that was nice.

He's straight and married and all that, so it wasn't like there was any

ulterior motive, so I thought that was fun.  Sunday was a good day,

I'm playing really good, and church was interesting - on the one hand

they are very sincerce and committed and older people who really are

very nice and do help each other out, which is really how a Christian

community following the Word would act - on the other hand, there's

like a dream catcher on the ceiling and the mission statement is like

"groovy, man, far-out" - like an enviro-peace-thing - so the ritual

part wasn't "speaking" to me , but they did seem genuine and nice

and more open to me than I was to them, so I'll probably try a couple

other churches over the next month, and attend another service

here at some point.

Anyways it stopped raining so I'm going to take a bike ride

(I guy took a video at a jam that included me playing a solo,

wearing shorts, and I was like my God my legs are big

(you can see all the muscles and everything) - but I'll

have to live with that, as long as I don't bulk up in the

shoulders and arms it's like that's what pants suits and

heavy-duty industrial strength pantyhose is for

so a couple re-runs:

Take care,

Samantha

I did this cap for Jennifer who's always been really supportive of my blogging
efforts - which have been a little erratic actually - to review I started the blog
in November as strictly a caption blog to post captions I made at Rachels
Haven (that was before I dropped out of Rachels Haven then went back
as Stacy Wilderness then dropped out again) then I terminated the blog
when I started Gender Therapy, I then terminated the Gender Therapy
and restarted the blog before terminating it again briefly, thought I'd turn
it into a poetry and writing blog , but dropped that idea and turned it into
some weird mix of a super slow motion transition blog and caption blog,
which included my very strange conversion to going to Church, then not
going to church (essentially I got booted out) and starting therapy  with a
general therapist not a gender therapist (because, I don't know does this
seem like normal?) - anyways, like I say Jennifer's been really supportive
of me, and I thought this was a really funny way to support her blog:
http://jenniferstgcaps.blogspot.com/?zx=e4fee93d2b2383be
which get's a lot more viewers than mine ever will (but mine does have
a certain undeniable idiosyncratic weirdness of it's own)

Anyways I woke up this morning and thought I'd like to go to church today
if you believe that (no not that one - a different church, obviously) - I went
to the Gay 90's last night stayed about an hour and the show was good -
didn't meet anyone but I never do, and wasn't as envious of the girls as
I normally am, so it was fun - I really think the upcoming Pride event
is my best chance to make some friends, but in the meantime I've been
out to parks and stuff and meeting people that way - it's just casual
conversation, but that's a lot of fun actually - just talking on a nice spring
day.

So a couple repeats:

Take Care,

Samantha

Well I just got back from shopping - I had to buy a pair of shorts and a belt - this is
pretty funny - I can put on a pair of shorts I wore last year and hold them up around
my waist and let go of them and they don't even touch me as they fall to the ground.
So yeh, obviously I just have to make room in the budget for some guy clothes,
(I lost 6" and that's just at the beltline) I also got another belt.

Right now my diets not going so good, and it's kind of reassuring to remind myself
that I did lose 50 pounds, and that's a big accomplishment, but yeh I really do need
to take some more off.

Hi anyone from D+X Institute!  I like the Role Playing, it's fun.

So hows this for news: Stacy Wilderness is on Facebook - She doesn't have
a friend in the world though (I just put up the page last night) but seriously if
you ask, of course I'd friend you.

a couple reruns:

have a safe holiday weekend
take care,

Samantha

I think I'm going to start a "Fuck off Friday" and just post stupid captions on Fridays.
Enjoy boys (well, there's a thought....)   Anyways how about  a couple more:

PS- this was the last caption I did at Rachels Haven, it got absolutely no response,
not even from the recipient, but I dunno, I think it's OK

This one was kind of fun because the text of the letter was obviously made for the
caption.  I can go back an re-edit the letter and paste it into another caption
pretty quickly - so it's no big deal to me,  - anyways the layout was
really simple - 3 items -a picture someone wanted to use (I erased a bit of it
to soften it's appearance) a letter file which I re-edited and copied in, and
a bunch of white text on a black background - the entire cap took about an
hour - but making the letter file initially took me at least three hours.
I think for Fuck off Friday, I just want to do quick - 10 minute captions like the
top two ( I mean 10 minutes per caption, not 10 minutes each - I'm not that
sloppy that I'd only spend 5 minutes on a caption). 
Hopefully that's OK with you boys

Take Care,

Samantha

PS - I created a Facebook page for Stacy Wilderness about 5 minutes ago
so she needs some friends now, poor girl.

So I've gone ahead and scheduled general therapy session #2 - but I've pretty
much shaken the whole depression cycle that was the reason I decided to seek
therapy.  But  for anyone who does experience this depression stuff, if she can
help me stay away from that terrain, it would be worth it.

One thing she recommened was fish oil capsules, and I dunno, I was getting out
of the cycle naturally anyways, but it does seem to help - there's not any
real effect you can feel, but I have been handling things better lately. 

Speaking of quack cures - if you are a guy who's tried Feminique or Perfect Curves,
or soemthing similar, I'm interested in your experience - you could leave a comment
or send an email - did it work? and were there side effects for guys?  I'd keep
anything you emailed anonymous of course, if you wished.
(I'd delete the file as soon as I read it).

I've had a few interviews and a few rejections now, but let's be honest, some of it
is about my skill set and qualifications (and I just need to keep looking for the
right job) and some of it is people who don't like me for this stuff, and the
more they knew about me, the less they'd like me, well good riddance
this is from a Clash lyric:
"then there's Pete, waiting in Jail, 25,000 bail
if he goes down, you won't hear a sound
but his friends carry on anyhow
Fuck 'em"

There's a local group of people who get together as cross-dressers and all
that  and meet once a month.  I got an email back from one of the girls and
its a few weeks away, and I don't want to say the where or when, and of
course being the chicken-shit I am and honestly not having anything to wear
(literally -when I get I job I really need to correct this situation!) .  I'll go
as a guy to the first meeting, but I'm really excited about this.

My latest attempt to set up a date over at Match.com fell thru (again).
So in terms of emails I've sent out or responded to,
I'm 0 for 10 now, which is horrible, I know -fish oil capsules, I tell
you - I should be really bumming about all this rejection (the guys don't
actually reject you, you just never hear back from them).

Over at the D+X Institute, Stacy Wilderness is starting her operation
(well technically his operation still, but soon enough her operation)
It's all very silly, but it's free and fun and I enjoy it - my thread is
in the arrival section under the title" Well I might be from Michigan"

Job interview this week, tonight - Payday! and my wages will be garnished
by the Departement of Education, who believe that spending the money
on health insurance or a dentist or a therapist or car insurance or clothes
or food is not as important as making sure that a homophobic debt
collection agency gets to play "Smear the Queer" on me (I'm working
part-time for minimum wage and this is my sole source of income -
that they would garnish this income is obscene, but the Department
of Education approved it, so they are garnishing my wages -it's about
$15.00 a week, but they know that I really need any money I can
get my hands on now. Mr Williams at NCO could care less
about the money (his commision would be about $5/week.)
 He is enjoying the pain he is inflicting on that faggot (i.e. me))
[NB -fish oil capsules, I tell you ]

And  I'm supposed to be up in arms about the MN anti- gay
marriage ammendment?  Sorry folks - I'll pass, that's not my battle,
there are real battles out there for real people.

Oh it just really, really pisses me off - if I ever move to Canada, you'll
know why.

Some retread caps of mine:

Sigh, why doesn't anybody ever say I have a really dirty mind?
I'd take it as a compliment, really.
Well anyways,
Take Care,

Samantha

So my dog spent Monday night in doggy prison after her attempted jail break. 

Clever. The gate to her outside area was held shut by a bungee cord and so she

wacked the gate with her paw and got it swinging back and forth until it swings

enough that she can put her head through, then she squeezes out and makes

her escape.  So I went to bed late Sunday, having spent an hour looking for her

in the dark, and figured well she'll be back when she feels like it.  Then early

Monday morning she's not at the door, so I'm really worried.  I hop in the truck,

and start driving around, which really sucks because honestly, I recognize I'm

looking for a body if I find her driving around like this, I mean if she could make it

back she would have.  I don't know what I'll do if that's the case, I mean seriously,

as shitty as everything else is, this would be tough to take, but I drive around and

don't find her, so a little before 6am I call the Police, and they've got her and she's

fine.  So I drive over and pick her up, and she's glad to see me and all, but her

coat's a mess - all muddy, full of burrs and ticks, and the officer who picked her

up says she was being chased by a fox.  It's a neighberhood fox, and she hates it,

but I've always been worried that she'd be whupped pretty good if they ever

actually met -so I tell the Officer this and he laughs - I show my license, and the

dog license, to get the dog back, but there's no fine or anything and she's been

safe in a cage all night -so I'm pretty happy about how it turned out.

I get her home and giver her a bath, spend about 1.5 hours brushing her out

and pulling ticks, and she looks so pretty I take her down to the Lakes to

show her off - but I only meet a couple women who ask about the dog -

and I tell them about her being an ex-con  last night and all (I won't repeat that

story) - so everything was cool - she was a very tired puppy yesterday,

and I'm figurimg out how to secure that gate better but everything turned out OK.

The top two cap's I did a while ago but never used here - the first one is so tacky,

the second one I figured I'd use in a story but never did, the Certificate is new,

someone a while back kind of warned me about what was going to happen and

yeh, maybe I should have listened, but then I really do want to be included in

things sometimes (well anytime actually) and I'm probably more Christian than

you or they, or the fundamentalists think, but for now, Chuch - yuck!

(as an aside I actually saw Spamalot on Broadway

-the only Broadway show I've ever seen - and there wasn't a witch in it!)

and this is a recent photoshop effort of the puppy (but she wasn't on the lam

when this was taken, but that's about how she looked when she was paroled)

Take Care,

Samantha

So I've got Sundays free now that I'm a heathen, again. I was going to say
pagan, but alas, I'm not a pagan, just a heathen. So with the morning free I
went to the Anoka Airport Airshow -I'm going to post some pictures I took
below, but first a couple sketches, because I'm thinking I'm going to colorize
and photoshop these two - so here's a chance to see my "before" sketches:

So without further ado (because I had to work a full day, and I just haven't
had time to do anything remotely creative today or yesterday for that matter)
here are some picture I took this morning at the Anoka Aviation Days
(which is worth seeing just for the Golden Wings Museum,
if nothing more).

I don't know, it's kind of interesting, isn't it
anyways.....
Take Care,

Samantha

So I realize my response to Jennifer's comment wasn't very responsive,
so let me try that again - The church offers communion to anyone who
chooses to take it.  A line is formed and several deacons administer the rites
- an usher directs you to which one to go to - so it is a bit of a lottery -
But I was not singled out in any way that I'm aware of - I just was directed
to go to this Deacon, and I did so.  I walked up and took the wafer and then
started getting asked questions about my reading practices, there were
several such questions culimating in him asking me if I even owned a Bible
-there may have been a brief blessing after this, I don't remember, I was kind
of shocked actually, but I think there might have been a very superficial
"blessing" after the Bible question, maybe.  Regardless I did not walk away from
it feeling blessed in any spiritual sense, but maybe they want to, in a secular way
start recording your reading habits, and communion is a convenient time to
do this, I don't know - I mean they used to exchange money in the temples
because that was a convienent place to do that -like I said if it is a secular
ritual (i.e. one without a spiritual/religious basis)  I don't see any reason to
participate in it honestly.  If I was singled out for some reason, which I believe
was the case (because of the way I act in guy mode is defensively "guy-like"
in a way that is often perceived negatively, and some people don't like it,
and it is not my intent for people to not like me, it's just well, it is my intent to
fucking survive -I'm sorry, but in a radically inclusive church to exclude me for
acting like I have to to pass (as a man -my genetic sex) is just wrong)
Anyways, I'm not really sure what happened there, but like I said
I went up in good faith to take communion, and walked away with some one
asking me if I even owned  a Bible, and literally and spiritually a bad
taste in my mouth.

So enough of that -somebody actually emailed at Match.com. Yeah!
It's way cooler to have some guy email me that for me to email the guys
all the time, and yeh, I emailed him back and see what happens - but
since I put on my profile about the cross-dressing and stuff  I've
felt I was scaring away everybody, and at least not 100% of the
people -actually he sounds like a really interesting man - but
that's all I'm going to say on this blog (shhhhhhh!)

I've been spending some time over at the D X Institute website in the
arrivals section - it's a role-play site, and I'm using Stacy Wilderness
as my name there if you want to read what's happening in my
fantasy world (OK - another fantasy world of mine)

I got to go work now, but anyways
Take Care,

Samantha