I'm going to stop counting how many times I've gone out in public
at this point - I don't really think I'm actually compelled to go out
every night or almost every night as a woman, but obviously I want
to go out if I can and I enjoy the sense of freedom and being alive,
and being a real live person with feelings and hopes and desires and
wanting to make friends and meet people and all that.
Obviously the plan to go out once a month in a dress isn't going
to work and going out to bars every night isn't remotely practical.
hopefully I can get comfortable with just going out to regular
stores like the grocery store or wal-mart -neither of which I've gone
in yet, or the local movie theater or the local suburban straight bars (not the
downtown gay bars) but I'm not there yet - I am comfortable with
getting gas at the pay at the pump, even if there are other people
at the other pumps, and I'm pretty much used to walking around
a street at night in heels and skirt, even if there are other people
around.
So anyways monday was a boy day there was supposed to be some music
stuff I was doing but it got cancelled and nobody told me so I went anyways
then went home - I had the flu for a couple days so I was kind of tired and
edgy and wound up and stuff and didn't get a lot of sleep and I got up early
put on a skirt and walked around the suburbs for a bit tuesday morning.
I got done with work and went to the Post Office in boy mode to pick
up a couple dresses, but when I tried them on it was pretty disapointing
-I think they're both too big and just don;t look very good on me, so
yuck - I'm going to send them back and try for a size smaller. My therapist
told me I should get my eyebrows waxed, so I then got a haircut and after
the waxing. The girl was teasing me a bit - partly because I act so manly man
but when she started asking if my wife want me to do this, I was happy to jokingly
talk a bit about being gay, I don't really like the idea of people thinking I'm a
straight married male, but I was very pleasent in correcting this notion and we were
having fun, a married girl next to me joined in because it was fun talking about
trying to get her husband to wax his eye brows and stuff - so you're going to get
teased a bit if you do this, but it's all good natured and fun actually - it cost $9.99
and it does make you look better, and you can say you want more of an arch and
thinner, but you don't want it to look too effeminate, and they will do a good job
of keeping it still manly enough that it's not embarrassing in boy mode.
anyways to celebrate this, I got dressed up and went to the 19 bar, spent a while
talking to a guy who wasn't all that interested in me, but it wasn't pleasnat talking to a
a guy for an hour or so, I parked on astreet that had good access, but I noticed there
was a girl in the car across the streetand I was getting out she drove the car down the
block and a guy got in the car and as I was walking back a similar thing happened,
so yeh I magaged to park on whore avenue and I felt kind of stupid realizing people
where probably watching me and thinking I was a whore - I mean its a parking space
near a bar - obviously I need to find a different place to park. I didn't want to go home
when I left the bar so I drove over to the Gay90's parked in the ramp across the street
and walked over - it was really boring there -there was a queen there but she gave me
a really mean look, and some other people who didn't seem too interesting -one nice
looking guy smiled at me when I went to use the bathroom, but, well I really hate
using the boys bathroom and I don't want to meet some guy in a bathroom, so
I smiled back at him, but then I ignored him and walked away.
I'm sitting at the bar, bored, all alon and some guy walks up to me and tells
me I drink beer like a guy -so I say yeh probably - but what an idiotic thing
to say, he just wanted to hurt my feelings but he wasn't any more manly than
me and he knew it - so he was just trying to be mean, but it does suck that
someone in a gay bar thinks -hey a queen, let's make fun of her.
Anyways it got to be a bit boring, so I went home.
Last night was the Trans Support group meeting - and the second time I've
gone to this - I think going to this group weekly is really important to me
right now because it lets me meet and talk and listen to other people
who've been doing this and living this and so it's important to go.
I got done late with wrk and really had to fly to get ready -I took a shower,
got dressed up put on my makeup and was back on the road in 25 minutes
which is a record - I didn't do my nails and they looked gross, and the
makeup was just foundation, lipstic, lip gloss, eye shadow (two colors)
and mascara, but considering I actually looked pretty good.
I was still 20 minutes late, but it's really important to go and start
making that connection and I did introduce myself and said I've
been dressing publicly for two weeks and want to start hormones,
aqnd talked a bit about the last two weeks so it was good to go,
even if I was late. After the meeting I went over to the church
and did my volunteer maintenance thing, still in my skirt, then I
walked around the block because it was a nice night, then I went
to a nice mostly lit park near my home and walked a couple miles
in my boots and skirt and stuff - no other people were walking
around even though it was only about 9pm but a lot of cars passed
by so I was pretty safe walking aeound alone like that.
Hopefully I'm going out tonight to a trans/cross dressing "book club"
and Friday I pick up my halloween costume, so I might go ahead
and wear that at one of the gay bars that has a costume even that night
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