It's the Sunday routine now - I take it for granted, but I do enjoy Sundays
so OK here's my Sunday routine -which is going to be pretty typical for every
Sunday if I can because it's a nice routine:I get up and get dressed up
grab a Chai tea at a coffee shop near the church, go to church service,
socialize a while after sevice, then do the volunteer maintenance thing
I do, drive back to the coffee shop play my harmonica and tin whistle
with a guy I met there last week - we jammed and talked and talked to
other people and spent about  two and a half hours over there before
calling it quits and making plans to do it again next week - it's pretty
fun really but so it's now almot 3 o clock, I'm all dressed up in a nice
skirt, blouse and heels and I really don't want to go home, so in
Minneapolis where does a girl go on a Sunday afternoon? Yep,
the Mall of America - which was very crowded, I spent a couple
hours shopping but didn't buy anything (OK I can't really afford
to spend too much, but finally I broke down and bought a large,
kind of gawdy hand painted silk fan which just screamed "I'm
made for drag, honey!") it was $25.00, then I went and saw
"The Vow"  which is OK but that's $10 and I bought some
nachos with jalepenos of course and a water and that's about
$10 bucks too, so I ended up spending about fifty bucks at
the mall which is more than I wanted to spend -oh well it's
still fun, and I got to take a movie survey - which is pretty
funny - and field what should be an easy question:
What sex do you identify as?
 and make it needlessly difficult
(I couldn't resist)
anyways it was a fun day and after the movie I did go home
and I'm doing laundry now so that my feminine undergarments
smell fresh when I put them on tommorrow for the job fair
I'm going to (dressed up and presenting as a woman)

well the biggest news for me happened today - I was in the bathroom getting
ready for the cross gender club meeting and my mom was downstairs
putting some groceries in the freezer,  so I checked my makeup and
that everything was in place and I walked out and said " hi, well this is
what I look like"  it's really awkward and it feels odd, but I don't feel
being honest is being wrong - things are OK, I told her a couple days
ago that I was trans, so this was just her first chance to see me
as a woman, so I feel awkward, I'm sure she feels awkward,
it's just a really odd thing to have to do - but I have to do it,
(or rather I had to do it - it's done now, there's no going back)

all right back to the chronologic story - I went and saw the Naked I
again , yesterdayand really enjoyed it - after wards I  talked to two of the
performers I know in the play and had a nice long talk with a trans
man who is quite attractive and a really nice guy.  We talked for
about an hour and a half, so obviously I enjoyed the conversation,
one of the performers invited me to a party after one of the shows,
(not a date, just a chance to go to a party, do some dancing, have
some fun) then I went home but I wass in areally good mood but
very tired so I didn't blog yesterday.

Today I jammed a bit with some musicians in the morning (in guy mode)
the took my mom to the grocery store, then started getting ready for
the meeting, so as I was all done and ready to go out she came down
so rather than cower in the can, I checked my makeup and outfit
and walked out and said hi..... the meeting represents the official
4 months of cross dressing and going out in public as a woman
(yeah!!!!!) before the meeting I did a little shopping, and afterwards
I watched a bit of the drag show and talked to someone who wants
to enter the amateur contest, so yeh I kind decided to enter that again
 next Wed and I decided to go to a job fair en femme - that's monday
so here is my en femme schedule
Sun - play music with a guy at the coffee shop, then go to church
go back and play a little more -then who knows it'd be nice to go somewhere
and talk if things are going good, but if not I'll head to the Art Museum
again I think then just head homeMonday lie I said I'm going to dress
up and go to a job fauir.  Tuesday I have a job interview and I'll
go in guy mode so no dressing up tuesday
Wednesday a support group, over to the church for a bit, then I'll enter
the amateur drag contest.Thursday - Gender therapy and
after a trans group meeting
Friday the aftershow party I talked about
Saturday there's another party at three that I'll probably go to that
and Sunday is church again and hopefully some jamming with a guy
at a coffee house.
Obviously I have to keep the job hunt and the diet in mind as I go
get through the week, because  moneys going to start getting tight
but I've been thriugh tough times before and emotionally I really
feel pretty good these days.

I saw the preview show of "The Naked I - Wide Open" , and it is very good.
-the actual premier is tommorrow, and I want to see it again because
it's pretty moving.  My mascara was all messed up by the end,
and that's a good thing...The play is held at the Intermedia Arts
on Lyndale Ave (Minneapolis) and it's more a series of monologues
than a play, but a number of writers and actors are involved so the
range of emotion and the variety of the people is quite good.
I know two of the actors in the play, which makes it all the more fun,
of course, and it's very moving  to watch, so yeh it' s a really
good play about gender roles and non-conforming people,
I'm pretty tired though - so I'm calling it a night

Fri morning update - sorry I was so tired I had to get some sleep-
but it was the good kind of tired - so anyways to continue -
I knew two of the performers in the play and they both gave
wonderful perfomances so I had to congratulate them of course,
and one of the performers had some friends of the family show
up (they;d driven up from Missourri just to see the show -
Suprise!!) so I got to watch that and it was kind of wonderful
realy,  so I hung out and chatted a little, but listened mostly,
but it was really nice, but then I had to go hone, and I walk
in the back door and start to take off my coat and I realize
I really don't want to undress and take off my makeup and all,
not yet, so I didn't ( I realy never "crossdress" at home - I
dress up and go out and have been undressing in the truck
before I'd get home - this is partly how I kept things secret,
but now that I'm out I don;t really want to play dress up at home,
but I've dressed up, I've come home from a pleasant evening
and I just want to relax and enjoy my  outfit - I feel pretty in
it, I'm happy, I feel good about myself, and my firends and
what I'm achieving and what they've achieved, and I just
want to stop and savor the whole thing in the privacy
of my bedroom - that's really not the same thing as having
a Transvestic Fetish - I mean I went out and socialized,
and sure the shiny gold dress and the boots with the 4" heels
and the uber-cute sued leather jacket with the fur trim
are all fun to wear, but it's just a part of it, and a small
part of it - anyways so I did walk around my room
still dressed up and sat down and watched a little TV,
then finally did put away the coat and take off the dress
and the makeup and all that and went back to "normal"

but it occurs to me that if I can't find a job as man, and the
only reason I'm going around being a man is so that I can
make a living, well you see the problem... I wrote this song
a long time ago and that is really what it is about that I'm
trying to live as a man but I can't make it as a man,
and it turns destructive knowing that I can't make it that way:
"honey, where's the pay?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBB_CXj6V1o&feature=player_embedded
(I hired John Black to sing and play guitar on this song)
I've been offerred the chance to play my harmonica on a stage at a Gay
event and of course I'll do it, and this is one of the songs I'm going
to play, and what's cool about that is that some of the people in the
audience are going to understand what the song is about - and it
isn't about some stupid Transvestic Fetish, trust me

Now that I am out, and unemployed, if I wind up going broke,
 which is probable,
I'm thinking I'm going to try living full-time as a woman for a week
which would be amazing

I'll still look for full-time work, because that is what I believe I should
be doing - but honestly maybe it's really out of my hands and it's
time.

I just got done spending several hours cleaning my room - sorry, I'm not
in a French Maid outfit - the room was really pretty filthy -I've been working
long hours and leading a double life (mild mannered tech by day, social
butterfly by night, or sort of..) so it's been a while since it's been cleaned. 
It feels good to clean the room there's another area I have to clean and I'll start
on it tommorrow - houseworks OK once you get started, I really don't mind it -
but yeh, I should have gotten dressed up for it, sorry -

After hearing about my friend getting beaten up by a security guard at
the K-Mart, in Minneapolis of all places, and listening to the rantings
on the radio against the overturning of Propistion 8 and all the hate
that's out there, I've been a little scared about going out en femme
- it's not all together rational - the risk hasn't changed, but the perception
of risk has changed, and being unemployed and not having enough
money to make it through and taking high risks is not a good combination,
so I'm going to lay low a bit
Having said that, I'm going out tonight to a trans support group and I'm
thinking of entering the Gay90's amateur drag contest tonight again,
and tomorrow I'm seeing a play about people who push the gender boundries
and of course I'll dress up for that and Saturday the cross gender/cross
dressing club meets and that marks my 4th month going out in public,
so I have to make that, but after Sat (oh and Sunday church service and
sitting in with the guy at the coffee shop) but anyways after that I may
only be going out rarely and probably just to the local library to use
their computer ( it gets me out of the house) and to walk the dog
so, at least until I get some money coming in, my out and about
experiences are winding down but I think I achieved a little progress
before life came back to remind me that I really have no choice but to live as a
guy, and I'm going to be stuck living that way for a good long time -
it was fun while it lasted and I'll keep working on getting the letter
and stuff, but getting some money coming in is really essential right now.

Wednesday night update - the trans support group ended early,
I signed up for a ticket for tomorrows show (which is free -yeah)
and might have a gig at a gay festival (double yeah!!! - very cool!!)
but I didn't want to hang around Minneapolis for three hours for the
drag contest to start (and pay for parking, etc) and I'd probably end up spending
money at a gay bar drinking beer (because I'm too fat for any guy to
think I'm sexy enough to buy me a drink) so I stoppeed
over at the church did my volunteer thing, whined about losing my job
(I don't know why I whine about this, but I did - I feel stupid about it
now) and then headed hopme and walked around outside our house
in full dress -taking the mail, taking the garbage out to the curb - and then
walking in to my room using the downstairs door - and my mother was in the
next room with the door open, so - I came out to her a few days ago, and
now she's seen me in drag - from a distance and I didn't approach her -
I took the dog out for a bit and when I came back in she'd gone back
upstairs so I udressed and ungirlied before going upstairs - I don't know,
I'm taking things slow -but there's a difference between being out and
being obnoxious about it I think, or maybe it's just going to seem too
weird standing around in a skirt talking to my mom.

A couple days ago someone I know got beat up pretty good by a K-Mart
security guard for entering a Minneapolis K-Mart with a friend of hers and her
friends service dog. She needed a couple trips to the hospital emergency room,
but she's out of the hospital now, thank God..
Because this Minneapolis K-Mart employs off duty Minneapolis police officers
she was charged with assualt - the whole thing is disgusting, and she's tapping
into her entire savings now to fight the charges and seek legal recourse.
The money was going to be used for her operation, and now she's all beaten up
and bruised and like I said the whole things disgusting.  I don't feel there's
really anything I can do to help but put it out there that this occurred and go to the
first hearing and watch and show my support, but it's just totally disgusting.


Anyways I've been chronologically posting all the times I've gone out dressed up, so
I'm going to continue of course.  I got up early Sunday and put on a blue skirt
and jacket for church. I stopped at a trans friendly coffee shop before church.
I was talking to the owner a bit and a musician she'd hired walked in and started
setting up so she introduced me, and I went out and grabbed my harmonicas from
the truck and came back in and we jammed a bit which was fun - a little loose,
but it was cool, looking at the time, I saw Service was starting in a few minutes so
I drove over to church and came in a minute or two late. After service I went to a
trans support group the church has started (run by June R.) I drove somebody
back to her house, changed into a very nice gold dress and the boots with the 4"
heels ( I had tickets for "Cat on a  Hot Tin Roof" at the Guthrie and that's what
I was wearing to the theater) so anyways she was busy and I don't like sitting around
while someone talks to this person and that person on the phone so I made my exit,and
went to the Art Museum ( way overdressed -but it's free and I really need to
watch my spending right now) -so like I said I was way overdressed, but I had
fun, I just felt a little silly.   Then I went over to the church parking lot to carpool over
to the theater (it saves money and lets me socialize with new people) I got a ride
over with another member of the church who was meeting someone I've met
before , and my friend met us at the theater - the show was really good of course,
and way more fun  than some stupid football game (I'm kidding -I'm not that girly
yet but I did have more fun that folks watching the game) after the show we wandered
around the upper level of the Guthrie and looked at the skyline and chatted and I felt
really nice and it wias all lovely - I was pretty conspicuous - I'm wearing a very shiny
gold dress, brown boots with 4" heels I have long, very stong legs, I'm 6' 2" in heels
(5'10" tall)  and a size 16 -so yeh you're not going to not notice me when I'm walking
around like that (heheheh)  a few girls and guys smiled at me, and I'm starting to relax
enough to notice that there are people who are smiling at me - who knows
maybe I will meet someone, but anyways it was wonderful - I went all dressed up to
a show with a friend, and I think this is the first time she's gone dressed up to a show
(I'm an old hand -it's my second time!)  I went home and that was the first full entire day
I've spent dressed as a woman and there was really a lovely experience -really the only
bad thing was how guilty I felt was realizing a friend of mine was in the emergency room
at the hospital while I'm at the theater having a good time - I don't know - it's like
World War II where some people are on the front line and others are in the theaters
having a good time - it doesn't make sense, but what can you do?

Transformative Honeymoon's 200th post!
well I better do something special for this,
hmmm, let's see - why don't
I come out to my mom about being
Gay and Trans and Unemployed
I know what you're thinking and you're right
it sucks telling your mom your unemployed....

I came out to my mom this afternoon - it went well,
it's odd, it feels strange but everything is OK
and it's out in the open now and yeh
things are out in the open and I don't know what
else to say - I called a friend after and talked about it,
then we got sidetracked and talked about some other stuff,
because, well  because it's fun to talk about other stuff too    ^_^


I was out wednesday in a black and silver pantsuit and
I'm trying to remember the last time I was out in a skirt, it may well
be about a week ago, but even though I haven't been dressing up a lot
lately, this is a week I'll look back on for a long time.

so I'm just going to hang out in boy clothes in my room and
drink a few beers and celebrate and relax......
and sleep good tonight

I showed up for work wednesday and found out my  job ended that day it seems.
-they'll give me a good reference and all, but I was told two weeks ago that the
job would be going a few months more, so I got blindsided pretty good with that.

I was pretty broke when I took this joib a few months ago, and a lot of
what I've made has gone to buying dresses and stuff, so I have very little
in the bank to live on - so I'm a little worried and going back to see if I can
get the last job back, and updating resumes and all that.

after finishing work Wed, I got dolled up and went out to a support group, then
stopped at the church, went to a gay bar for a dinner, then went to another
gay bar to watch the amateur drag contest -  where I got hit on my a couple
giirls - I was kidding on the phone with someone about this and she's saying
I ought to call her back, I don't know, I'll think about it.

Walking around today "en homme" I decided that when I tell my parents that I lost this
job, and don't have very much money at all right now, I'm also going to
tell them that I've been using the money to buy dresses and that I wear them
when I go out - so yeh I'm going to come out about dressing up and going
out in public....of course I'm nervous
I was going to go dressed up to my gender therapists, but I took my mom
shopping and that ended up taking a couple hours and there just wassn't time,
so now my therapist has seen me as a guy.  I wanted to focus on "the letter"
but kept sidetracking to talking about employment stuff and/or  coming
out related stuff.  it was really helpful, but I'm ptretty nervous about it all
and may postpone it to Saturday -but just so I can follow his advice on
having a contact to talk to about what happens ( and because I'm a
chicken of course) -anyways it should be interesting.

and it's a hard, rain a gonna fall - Bob Dylan